Thank you Mr P. Much appreciated.
Here is the rest of the episode... But please note.... As expectations have now been raised.... it is highly unlikely that you will find the rest as funny even though it's the same.
(Think Matrix.. and Matrix Reloaded.. or the hype around the Star Wars films... e.g. The phantom menace. Avid fans found them quite a let down. They would have done regardless...It's psychological)
I should have posted it all in 1 go.
BTW.... RE: the legs....This is the episode to introduce the characters only. I've got basic stories for 6 episodes... and ideas for others. Believe me, it can go on. Existence for Josh in a world that is totally alien to him... even the most banal things can be made into quite funny stories.
Glad your wife liked it too....
------------------------------------------------------------
Continues......
SCENE 4. GARDEN. EXT. 2.10 PM DAY 1
(TO SOME MELODIOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC)
JOSH WALKS SLOWLY ALONE IN THE GARDEN WITH A THOUGHTFUL LOOK ON HIS FACE.
HE HEARS A BIRD CHIRPING IN THE TREES AND WHILST CONTINUING TO WALK, HE
NONCHALANTLY PULLS A GUN FROM HIS TROUSERS, WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING, POINTS IT
UPWARDS AND SHOOTS.
THERE IS A SQUAWK AND THE CHIRPING STOPS.
HE CONTINUES WALKING AND AS HE DOES, A DEAD BIRD FALLS TO THE GROUND BEHIND
HIM, WHICH HE IGNORES COMPLETELY.
JOSH
(TO HIMSELF) Oh god. What can I do?
I have everything. It doesn't matter how much I
gamble, daddy keeps making more. I can have
anything I want...
New car.
SOME CAR KEYS ARE THROWN TO JOSH FROM OFF SCREEN
JOSH
Woman.
A WOMAN WALKS ON SCREEN AND WALKS WITH JOSH
JOSH
Subway.
A SUITED ARM FROM OFF SCREEN HANDS HIM A 6 INCH SANDWICH FROM SUBWAY
JOSH LOOKS AT IT
JOSH
Ahem - FOOTLONG
A SECOND ARM REACHES OUT FROM THE OTHER SIDE WITH A SECOND 6 INCH SANDWICH
FROM SUBWAY
JOSH
I'm sick of all this. It's all so samey. I don't want any of
it.
HE HANDS THE SANDWICHES TO THE RIGHT, THROWS THE CAR KEYS TO THE LEFT, THE
WOMAN STARTS WALKING AWAY. HE STOPS HER AND PULLS HER BACK.
JOSH
Actually, you can stay.
SCENE 5. LOUNGE. INT. STUDIO 3PM DAY 1
JOSH WALKS INTO THE LOUNGE WHERE CHADWHISTLE IS WATCHING TV
JOSH
(STILL WITH THOUGHTFUL LOOK) What is this you
are watching?
CHADWHISTLE
(NOT SARCASTICALLY) IT'S CALLED TELEVISION
JOSH ROLLS HIS EYES
JOSH
What program?
CHADWHISTLE
A documentary about the unemployed and their
fraudulent benefit claims.
JOSH SITS DOWN AND WATCHES WITH INTEREST
JOSH
My god, look at that reprobate, he looks like he could
do with a shower.
CHADWHISTLE
Actually Rogan, these are the adverts
A COUPLE OF SECONDS PASS
CHADWHISTLE
THIS is the documentary
TV Interviewer V.O.
So Mr Splodge. No work, little money, so what do you
do all day?
Mr Splodge V.O.
Get up at 12, have breakfast, watch telly till 3, have
lunch, watch more telly till 5, have tea, then watch a
bit of telly then erm - go to bed.
TV Interviewer V.O.
Every day?
Mr Splodge V.O.
Ha ha. No not every day, we normally relax at
weekends.
TV Interviewer V.O.
Which means?
Mr Splodge V.O.
Going to the pub on Friday and Saturday night and
get takeaways instead of cooking.
TV Interviewer V.O.
And you don't worry about being caught by the
government for cheating on benefits?
Mr Splodge V.O.
Tee hee.. They have to catch us first
TV Interviewer V.O.
You know they may watch this program
Mr Splodge V.O.
Bugger, should have thought of that before saying yes
to you to using my face on screen.
JOSH'S EYES LIGHT UP
JOSH
My god. Did you see how carefree that disgusting
animal on the TV was?
It amazes me how a person with no money and no life
aspirations can give off the same carefree aura as a
dog humping a woman's leg.
CHADWHISTLE
What? You admire him?
JOSH
I like his attitude. He doesn't care what he looks like.
His wife was so obese she could barely sit on a 2
seater sofa but he didn't care.
He even allowed her to be seen on TV with him.
He came across as happy and without a worry in the
world.
But as a person, God no. He looks like a badly shaved
orang-utan that's been forced to eat its own earwax.
CHADWHISTLE
Well he can't afford to worry:
One, it looked like they use the floor of their house
as a bin.
Two, their clothes looked like the unwanted returns
from the ones that were sent to Africa for charity.
Three, You know the saying the last chicken in the
shop? Well in his girlfriend's case it's the last giblets
scraped off the butcher's floor.
JOSH
That's why it's so amazing he's happy.
CHADWHISTLE
Do you think a happy man would be wearing an extra,
extra large T-shirt with the slogan 'Daddy screwed me
up'?
JOSH
Come on Chadwhistle, how could you not see?
You've lived with the hoi polloi, consorted with those
little brown shop owners and I've seen you deal with
those moving heaps that smell of dung.
CHADWHISTLE
You mean homeless people?
JOSH
Whatever they're called. Judging by that program
and that program alone, without looking at any other
evidence and sticking to my bold and unfounded
statements, I would bet you that their life is easy, that
they are happy.
CHADWHISTLE
Well I'm willing to bet you that they are not?
JOSH
A wager eh? Very well.
I'm willing to bet you that people like that, with no
ambition, no desire for anything and no prospects are
happy as they are.
CHADWHISTLE
Hmmm. OK. I bet you could not live amongst
people like that for 6 months.
This means frequenting them and their
establishments, talking to them as friends and joining
their meaningless conversations about football,
what sauce they put on their chips the night before
and which celebrity they'd most like to shag.
JOSH
Done. I will wager my cocktail shaker shaped like
a Hawaiian Hula dancing girl against your limited
edition Prince Charles mustard squeezer that groans
when squeezed and has the mustard coming out of
his bottom.
CHADWHISTLE
Very well. I look forward to the day when you crawl back to
apologise infected with festering skin diseases with oozing
sores all over your body.
JOSH PUTS HIS HAND ON CHADWHISTLE'S SHOULDER
JOSH
Much appreciated Chadwhistle. And may you hold the
bow the wrong way around during archery and
accidentally fire an arrow through your head.
CHADWHISTLE WALKS OUT, CHAMPSELISE WALKS IN
JOSH
Right. Champselise. I have to beat Chadwhistle.
CHAMPSELISE
Oh right, well I could give you my rounders bat, but it
might leave a mark.
JOSH
No you stupid girl. I mean I have to win at this bet I've
just made.
That means I have to go to the local centre and
befriend people who are so common, they make
muck look UNcommon. Right...
I'll take the car daddy uses to go to town. That should
shield me from being attacked by dirty beggars and
toothless crones selling beads.
SCENE 6. ROAD. EXT/INT. 3.30PM DAY 1
JOSH LEAVES HOUSE AND WALKS TO THE CAR. (SOMETHING LIKE A FIAT GRANDE PUNTO.)
HE DRIVES OFF.
ARRIVES IN TOWN AND STOPS ABRUPTLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD CAUSING PEOPLE
TO SCREECH TO A STOP BEHIND HIM.
HE LEAVES THE CAR WITH PEOPLE BEHIND HIM SHOUTING ABUSE FROM THEIR WINDOWS
TO WHICH HE APPEARS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS.
HE WALKS UP TO A PUB AND READS THE SIGN OUT ALOUD.
JOSH
The 'Punch and Ambulance' public house. Perfect.
The establishment where the working classes
congregate to drink alcoholic beverages until they are
sick and lose control of their bladders.
HE WALKS IN TO SEE SEVERAL REGULAR LOOKING PUB GOERS SITTING AT TABLES AND/OR
STANDING AT THE BAR.
CUT TO:
BOTCH AND TIM ARE SITTING AT A TABLE TALKING WITH A COUPLE OF PINTS OF BEER.
BOTCH IS HOLDING HIS ARMS OUT AS THOUGH HE IS HOLDING SOMETHING IN EACH HAND.
BOTCH
So there I was, bollocks in one hand, rusty blade in the
other about to cut them off when I had a moment of
clarity. I thought, Christ, I' been called a nutter a lot of
times but I can't do this.
TIM
(CAMP MANNERISM) So you let him go?
BOTCH
Let who go? I almost cut my own balls off. Tina
thought she was up the duff and that nearly killed me.
She's alright an' all but can't imagine having kids with
her. She's a total poof.
TIM
Oh. Right. So you don't like wusses then? I'll bare that
in mind.
JOSH SEES TIM AND BOTCH, POINTS TO THEM AND CALLS OUT TO THEM.
JOSH
You there, working class plebs.
CUT TO:
SCENE 7. JOSH'S BEDROOM. INT. STUDIO 5PM DAY 1
JOSH WAKES UP IN HIS OWN BED WITH A BLACK EYE. CHAMPSELISE IS DABBING A DAMP
CLOTH ON HIS FOREHEAD.
JOSH
(A LITTLE GROGGY) Hmm. didn't really go as well
as I'd hoped.
CHAMPSELISE
Oh Rogan, what did you do to deserve this?
JOSH
Oh. Champselise'. Nothing. Friendly as a priest to an
alter boy. I don't know.
CUT TO:
SCENE 8. JOSH'S BEDROOM. INT. STUDIO 4PM DAY 2
JOSH, NOW HEALED, RETURNS TO THE SAME PUB AND SEES THE SAME 2 CHARACTERS, AT
THE SAME TABLE.
BOTCH AND TIM ARE TALKING.
BOTCH
So I punched him in the face and said - That's the
second time you've tried it on with Tina, next time I'll
seal your fate.
TIM
The NEXT time? You mean you knew him already?
BOTCH
Well yeah, he's my dad.
JOSH SEES THEM AT THE TABLE AND COMPOSES HIMSELF READY TO SPEAK TO THEM.
JOSH
(THINKS TO HIMSELF) - OK relax and try speaking
like they do as though you do it all the time.
(CALLS OUT) YOU OVER THERE, PEASANT BOYS
CUT TO:
SCENE 9. JOSH'S BEDROOM. INT. STUDIO 6PM DAY 2
JOSH WAKES UP IN HIS OWN BED WITH 2 BLACK EYES - CHAMPSELISE IS DABBING A
DAMP CLOTH ON HIS FOREHEAD.
JOSH SLOWLY WAKES UP
JOSH
(A LITTLE GROGGY) Ah again. Did not really go as
well as I'd hoped.
CHAMPSELISE
Rogan. What on earth are you saying to them to rile them up so?
JOSH
Nothing Champselise. I treated them as I would any
other low class disgusting pleb.
CHAMPSELISE
Hmpphff Just a thought, how about not calling them
plebs?
How about showing them respect? Like my daddy
used to show respect to that woman who kept visiting.
Oh. What was her name again? erm erm Oh I remember......
Dominatrix.
CHADWHISTLE WALKS IN WITH A SMUG SMILE WEARING A VEST AND A LARGE PAIR OF Y
FRONT PANTS. HE LOOKS JOSH UP AND DOWN.
CHADWHISTLE
A word with the raccoon.
Well, you haven't quite got rickets, leprosy or
diphtheria - and you're not covered in festering puss
filled globules but I think this is good enough. I claim
victory. Where's the cocktail shaker? I would like a
sex on the beach.
JOSH
Looking like that you're unlikely to get sex in a brothel.
Frankly you'd be lucky to get is a grunting orgasm by
yourself in the confines of your own bedroom.
Anyway, game's not over. This calls for extreme measures.
I have an idea.
CUT TO:
SCENE 10. ROAD. EXT. STUDIO 12PM DAY 3
JOSH WALKS INTO THE LOUNGE TO SPEAK TO A SERVANT WHO IS WEARING A SUIT BUT IS
DUSTING WEARING A WOMAN'S APRON.
JOSH
James, I need to gain favour with the local people
however artificial it is. That's your background so I
know you can help me.
SERVANT
How can I help sir?
JOSH
I want to be loved.
THE SERVANT LOOKS AT THE APRON HE'S WEARING
SERVANT
(SOUNDING UNCERTAIN) I see. Well for that sir, you're going to have
to get me horribly drunk.
JOSH
What? no, not by you.
SERVANT
(SOUNDING SLIGHTLY OFFENDED) I see sir. Not your type am I?
JOSH
NO - listen you rabid eunuch, what I need you to do is-
CUT TO:
A CAR IS SEEN DRIVING THROUGH THE STREETS OF A TOWN. IT STOPS NEAR AN OLD
WOMAN (ABOUT 70 YEARS OLD) WALKING ON THE PAVEMENT.
2 MEN IN SUITS AND BALACLAVAS GET OUT, RUN TOWARDS HER, PUT A LARGE CANVAS
BAG OVER HER HEAD, PICK HER UP, BUNDLE HER IN THE BACK OF THE CAR AND SCREECH
OFF.
CUT TO:
SCENE 11. LOUNGE. INT. STUDIO 2PM DAY 3
THE SERVANT IS TALKING TO JOSH AT ONE END OF THE ROOM, THE OLD WOMAN WHO WAS
KIDNAPPED IS AT THE OTHER END.
SERVANT
Sir. Here is a person from the area you wanted.
JOSH
Excellent
JOSH AND THE SERVANT WALK TO THE OTHER SIDE WHERE THE
OLD WOMAN IS. SHE IS TIED TO A CHAIR WITH ARMRESTS WEARING A BLINDFOLD.
JOSH TAKES THE OLD WOMAN'S BLINDFOLD OFF TO REVEAL SHE HAS 2 BLACK EYES.
JOSH SHOOS HIS SERVANT TO THE CORNER.
JOSH
(SLIGHTLY SMUG WITH HALF A SMILE) Welcome.... Old woman.
OLD WOMAN
(MANCHESTER ACCENT) Wheream I? What's going on? Who are
you?
JOSH TURNS TO HIS SERVANT
JOSH
James, was that English?
SERVANT
Yes sir. She is from the British equivalent India's shanty towns.
She originated, it seems, from - the north.
JOSH
Ah I see.
OLD WOMAN
I say again... Where am I? What's going on and who are you?
JOSH PACES BACK AND FORTH WITH HIS ARMS BEHIND HIS BACK LIKE A NAZI
INTERROGATOR.
JOSH
You are in my house. You are about to be interrogated and I am.....
JOSH PAUSES. APPROACHES THE OLD WOMAN AND PLACES HIS HANDS ON BOTH ARMS OF
HER CHAIR SO THAT HE IS RIGHT IN HER FACE
JOSH
Mr X
JOSH STANDS AND PACES AGAIN
OLD WOMAN
I know you. You're that rich family at the top of the hill.
You once ran over my cat.
JOSH
(ANSWERING ABRUPTLY) We do what we must.
OLD WOMAN
You must be joking, I'll get the police onto you.
JOSH
(SHOUTS) SILENCE
JOSH SLAPS HER WITH THE BACK OF HIS HAND ON THE FACE.
THEN WAITS A COUPLE OF SECONDS FOR HER TO COMPOSE HERSELF.
JOSH
OK. Make yourself comfortable.
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKS AT HERSELF TIED TO THE CHAIR AND GIVES JOSH A BEWILDERED
LOOK
JOSH HOLDS OUT A CIGARETTE
JOSH
Cigarette?
OLD WOMAN
No
JOSH
Very well then .... cigar?
OLD WOMAN
What? Are you serious?
JOSH
Ah, so you're a pipe smoker, I respect that.
OLD WOMAN
Look Mister - I don't smoke.
JOSH
Oh a celibate.
OLD WOMAN
(REALLY CONFUSED) Huh?
JOSH
I will now ask you some questions. Answer me quickly
and you shall receive a quick death.
SERVANT
Sir, we are not here to kill her.
JOSH
Oh of course not. Sorry, I lost myself in the moment
there. Madam, I'd like to ask you some questions
about the basic workings of the working class pleb.
OLD WOMAN
What? Pleb yourself you toffee nosed git.
JOSH WRITES SOME NOTES IN A NOTEBOOK.
JOSH
I see..... offended from being called a pleb.
So tell me old bat...
How would I approach someone such that their first
reaction is not to punch me in the face?
OLD WOMAN
Well for a start, not calling me an old bat will get you a
long way.
Secondly, you have to treat people properly.
JOSH
What do you mean?
OLD WOMAN
Well I liked you a lot better before I knew you.
JOSH
Are you saying you don't like how I treat my servants?
OLD WOMAN
Well if it's anything like the way you treat your
guests.... Then no.
JOSH
Interesting. So tell me old woman....
FADE OUT:
WORDS ON SCREEN "4 GRUELLING HOURS LATER"
FADE IN AGAIN:
JOSH
So to cut a long story short. Without a montage or
having to know what happened between the fade out
and fade in again,
Treat people as you would want to be treated
yourself - but without the massages
To thank you for your assistance, I shall reward you.
THE OLD WOMAN CHEERS UP.
OLD WOMAN
Oh really? How?
JOSH
I shall untie you.
OLD WOMAN
(GROANS) Oh
THE OLD WOMAN STANDS UP.
JOSH
Thank you old crone. Here is £15 for your trouble.
JOSH GIVES HER SOME MONEY. SHE LOOKS AT IT
OLD WOMAN
This is £20
JOSH
Yes do you have change?
CUT TO:
SCENE 12. PUB. INT. STUDIO 8PM DAY 3
JOSH RETURNS TO THE PUB AND SEES THE SAME 2 CHARACTERS AS BEFORE AT THE SAME
TABLE TALKING.
TIM HAS AN INQUISITIVE LOOK ON HIS FACE AND SOUND TO HIS VOICE.
TIM
So your brother's in Malaysia being publicly flogged
and your sister has been invited onto the Jeremy
Kyle show? Shit. Don't know which is worse.
JOSH
Hello again you two over there.
BOTCH
You again?
BOTCH GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO PUNCH JOSH AGAIN
JOSH
(BACKING AWAY) No No No - look, I'm one of your
ilk, I smell, have no manners, bad breath, no life
prospects - everything.
BOTCH
Eh?
BOTCH LOOKS DOWN AT HIMSELF AND SMELLS HIS ARMPITS
BOTCH
Oh right. Well what do you want?
JOSH
Well basically, to ....... erm....hang..... around you gentlemen.
TIM GETS A BOUT OF JEALOUSY AND FEELING THREATENED AND TRIES TO
INTERVENE.
TIM
Oh no, he certainly can't. I've worked too long and
hard for this and he's not taking you away from me
now Botch.
JOSH
Gentlemen. You may look at me and think I
am a pretty rich man. And you are absolutely right.
HOWEVER. For me it takes more than wealth,
power, a giant house and access to endless
parades of beautiful women who shower and mud
wrestle constantly to make one happy.
BOTCH AND TIM STARE FORWARD MESMERISED WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.
TIM
Sounds alright to me.
(QUIETLY TO HIMSELF) apart from the women part.
CUT TO:
SCENE 13. PUB. INT. STUDIO 9PM DAY 3
BOTCH IS SEEN RETURNING TO THE TABLE WITH 3 PINTS OF BEER.
BOTCH
So what's your name?
JOSH
Rogan Joshen Bishen Boshen Marsden Barsden
Rothchild the third......Squared
BOTCH
Does that come with poppadoms?
BOTCH SITS BACK CROSSING HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD, AND LOOKING DIAGONALLY
UPWARDS, THINKS FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND QUIETLY SAYS:
BOTCH
Josh.
TIM
(ALOUD TO HIMSELF WITH CONTEMPT) Huh.
Never gave me a pet name like that. Bloody
favouritism.
BOTCH
I'm Botch
JOSH
Botch? Sounds like a venereal disease. It's like - Oh
my God keep away from him guys, he's got the botch.
BOTCH
Short for Botcher
JOSH
(HALF PUZZLED AND DISGUSTED) Botch, short for
Botcher?
BOTCH
Alright then mate, you can hang around us if you
want. Tell you the truth, I haven't got any other
friends.
JOSH
(OUT ALOUD TO HIMSELF) Not surprised with a
name like Botch
TIM
(SOUNDING INSULTED) Eh? what about me? what
about Ben?
AS TIM STARTS TO SPEAK JOSH TRIES A SIP OF BEER. HE FREEZES KEEPING THE BEER
IN HIS MOUTH AND DEVELOPS A DISGUSTED LOOK ON HIS FACE AS HE CLEARLY DOESN'T
LIKE IT.
BOTCH
(TO TIM) What about you? I only hang around you because
you're the only person I know who's not in prison.
And Ben's a religious fruitcake. The only woman who
could ever even have been considered his real
girlfriend was that woman who used to sexually
molest him on Sundays on their way to church.
O.O.V. JOSH CAN BE HEARD SPITTING OUT THE BEER.
JOSH
My god, what on earth? This tastes worse than when
my nanny tried taking my temperature by putting the
rectal thermometer in my mouth.
JOSH WIPES HIS TONGUE WITH A NAPKIN.
BOTCH
S'alright Josh mate, takes a while to get used to beer.
No-one actually likes the stuff, you just build up a
tolerance to it.
JOSH
Then why in the world do you drink it?
BOTCH
All guys do. But no-one likes it. You ever wonder why
there's so much beer on the floor at closing time in
the pub?
Guys spill it on purpose as the night goes on, they
only end up drinking about half of what they buy. All
guys would rather have WKD, Smirnoff Ice or any
other bitch piss but how many are gonna admit that?
Beer tastes like piss.
JOSH
Didn't realise you people drank that as well.
A YOUNG MAN WALKS UP TO THE TABLE, WEARING BROWN CORDUROY TROUSERS, A VERY
PINK SHIRT AND A YELLOW CARDIGAN, HAS A BOWL CUT AND LOOKS REALLY BORING - HE
SOUNDS VERY SANCTIMONIOUS WHEN HE SPEAKS. IT'S BEN
BEN
Guys, I've got some fantastic amazing news.
BOTCH
You're moving away?
TIM
What news?
BEN
I've got a girlfriend
BOTCH
Is this like last time where we met that insane cross-
eyed girl with a massive cleft in her chin?
BEN
No I met her at church, she was standing all
by herself. Our eyes met. It was one of those
moments. It was as though we were the only 2 people
in the church.
BOTCH
I've told you before, people don't go to church. No-
one believes in that crap anymore.
BEN
She'll be here any minute.
BEN SEES JOSH
BEN
Hello, my name is Ben.
JOSH SEES WHAT BEN IS WEARING AND LOOKS AT HIM WITH A MAJOR QUESTION MARK IN
HIS FACE.
JOSH
Pink shirt and a yellow cardigan?
TIM
Ben, I heard you got a new job.
BEN
Yes I'm working for a charity shop called Second
Hand Item Treasure Trove.
It's really good. I've started a new counselling
initiative there to help people called
'People against evil doers organisation protecting
happiness in life everywhere.'
Which is fabulous but unfortunately, the abbreviation
for that is paedophile.
BEN WAVES HIS GIRLFRIEND OVER. A MAN WITH STUBBLE WEARING A DRESS WALKS OVER
AND STANDS WITH HIM
BEN
Everyone. This is my new girlfriend - Chlamydia
JOSH, TIM AND BOTCH STARE AT CHLAMYDIA WITH STUNNED QUESTION MARK LOOKS ON
THEIR FACES
BEN
This is Botch. Great guy, he once won a trophy for
sustaining a burp for a full 30 seconds.
STILL STUNNED, BOTCH HALF RAISES A HAND AS IF TO WAVE HELLO
BEN
This is Tim. I don't really know what he does, I think
he's just around to make Botch look funnier.
And this is their new friend.
BOTCH
(STILL STUNNED) Call him Josh.
TIM
(SARCASTICALLY TO HIMSELF) Oh we just love our
new friend with a pet name don't we?
CHLAMYDIA
(MANLY VOICE) Hi guys.
CHLAMYDIA REACHES OUT TO SHAKE HANDS WITH ALL 3 OF THEM. WITH SUCH A MANLY
HANDSHAKE, TIM IS VISIBLY SHAKEN AND GRABS HIS ARM AFTERWARDS IN SLIGHT PAIN.
TIM
So, erm Chlamydia, do you work at the same charity
shop as Ben?
CHLAMYDIA
No, I work at the Brown Trousers nightclub.
TIM
Oh I know that place. I go there sometimes. What do you do there? You
on the door or the bar or something?
CHLAMYDIA
No, I'm a bouncer.
BEN APPEARS AND HANDS CHLAMYDIA A PINT OF BEER.
BEN
Here you go my dear.
CHLAMYDIA
Thanks pet. Cheers all. Down the hatch.
CHLAMYDIA TAKES THE PINT AND DOWNS IT ALL IN ONE GO WHILST THE OTHERS (EXCEPT
BEN) STARE IN AMAZEMENT. BEN WATCHES HER WITH A LOVING SMILE. AFTER
FINISHING THE PINT, CHLAMYDIA LETS OUT A BIG BURP.
BEN
Aw, I love it when she does that.
EVERYONE WHO IS STILL STARING IN AMAZEMENT SLOWLY TURN TO LOOK AT BEN WITH
QUESTION MARK LOOKS ON THEIR FACES.
JOSH
Excuse me, Botcher, I need to urinate, can I do that
in this establishment?
BOTCH
(POINTS IN A DIRECTION) Toilets? They're over there.
CUT TO:
SCENE 14. PUB TOILET. INT. STUDIO 10PM DAY 3
JOSH WALKS INTO THE TOILET, WINCES IN DISGUST AT THE SMELL. HE SEES SOME
URINALS AND LOOKS AT THEM IN CONFUSION AS THOUGH HE'D NEVER SEEN ANY BEFORE.
WHILE HE'S STANDING THERE, A MAN WALKS IN, WALKS UP THE URINALS AND USES IT.
JOSH WATCHES HIM IN DISBELIEF. CHECKS TO SEE WHETHER IT'S DRIPPING BELOW,
APPROACHES THE MAN TO HIS SIDE AND LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AND DOWN TO THE
MAN'S PRIVATES. AS HE DOES THIS, THE MAN TURNS TO LOOK AT JOSH IN THE FACE.
JOSH, HALF SMILES AND BACKS AWAY IN EMBARRASSMENT.
THE MAN FINISHES AND LEAVES WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS.
JOSH LOOKS AT THE DOOR HANDLE IN DISGUST AND WALKS OVER TO THE URINAL TO USE
IT (JUST AS HE'D SEEN)
A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, CHLAMYDIA WALKS IN AND WALKS TO THE URINAL NEXT TO
HIM. JOSH DOES A DOUBLE TAKE WHEN HE SEES WHO IT IS.
JOSH
So you're a girl then are you?
CHLAMYDIA
Oh yes.
JOSH
Sorry, what I meant to say was, what are you doing
dressed as a girl when you look less effeminate than
Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
CHLAMYDIA
What are you talking about, what makes you think that?
JOSH
Right. Well let's take a look at the first couple of things
that caught my eye shall we?
Your shoulders from the back make you look like
Rambo.
You have stubble and you're not Turkish
And your Adam's apple sticks out so far you look like
you've swallowed a watermelon.
CHLAMYDIA
I may be a bit on the butch side so what?
JOSH
Chlamydia. Women who are butch - really butch, I
mean Butcher than Bernard the butcher after double
D pectoral implants. Even women who are THAT
butch do not sound like a stoned Barry White and
could not pee their name in the snow.
CHLAMYDIA
Look pal, Ben's happy, I'm happy, please don't tell him.
JOSH
I'm not saying anything. Frankly, if he's too stupid to
work it out for himself when it's THIS obvious then he
deserves the shock he's going to get first time he puts
his hand down your pants.
CHLAMYDIA
That'll be a while then. He's religious. No sex before
marriage and all that.
JOSH
No sex before marriage? What an idiot, I thought it
only logical to try before you buy.
CHLAMYDIA SHAKES AND WALKS OUT
CHLAMYDIA
Well, works for me.
JOSH FINISHES, GOES TO WASH HIS HANDS, TRIES TURNING THE TAP BUT IT DOESN'T
WORK BECAUSE IT'S A PUSH BUTTON TAP.
HE TURNS IT SEVERAL TIMES, FIDDLES AROUND WITH IT, GETS FRUSTRATED AND HITS
THE TOP WITH A CLOSED FIST.
THE WATER STARTS RUNNING. HE FUMBLES AROUND FOR A BIT TRYING TO KEEP THE
WATER RUNNING LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO WASH HIS HANDS.
HE EVENTUALLY MANAGES, LEAVES AND WALKS BACK TO HIS SEAT.
WHEN HE ARRIVES, HE SEES 3 SHOTS OF VODKA AND ANOTHER PINT OF BEER AT HIS
PLACE.
JOSH
You must be joking, 3 small glasses of strong
alcohol? (SEES THE BEER) Ooh and another pint
of rectal thermometer juice?
BOTCH
Yeah man, get it down you, we're partying.
JOSH
What's the occasion?
BOTCH
It's Monday, dole money day.
BEN
Right guys, we have to go, hard day tomorrow.
TIM
Hard day? You work in a charity shop, what's so
hard about it?
BEN
Pension day. At about midday, a mass of old women
rampage in to buy the half price dresses.
We sometimes have 3 extra staff on with riot gear for
crowd control.
Last month when we had our funeral special, it was
like the Hajj at Mecca. 3 old ladies were crushed to
death at the front door whilst waiting for us to open,
then a skirmish broke out over a black dress with
sequins on the nipples.
You wouldn't believe some of these old women. They
come along armed to the teeth, Poison tip umbrellas,
handbags loaded with heavy metal horseshoes and
I've even seen a couple with knuckle dusters.
TIM
Any old men?
BEN
There are normally a couple waiting outside to flash
the women as they come out. See you all soon.
CHLAMYDIA
Laters guys.
BEN AND CHLAMYDIA WALK OUT.
JOSH PICKS UP A SHOT AND EXAMINES IT CLOSELY.
BOTCH
Do it, go on, down in one.
TIM
(SLIGHT JEALOUS TONE) Yes. Do it and have 20 more.
JOSH DRINKS THE SHOT IN 1 GULP BUT WHILE IT'S STILL IN HIS MOUTH, HIS EYES
WIDEN AND HE SPITS IT OUT IN A SPRAY OVER THE TABLE.
BOTCH
Good isn't it? Now go on, let's all have one together.
JOSH
Err, I don't know if I should. I learned my lesson when
I was a child the first time I tried drinking battery acid.
BOTCH
Go on you pansy. I was breast fed on this stuff.
JOSH
Well not all of us are so fortunate to have mothers
with distilleries implanted in their breasts.
BOTCH
Right you 2. in 1 ... us 3 ... after 3 ... on 4
JOSH
(SARCASTICALLY) Good thing you still have all your marbles.
BOTCH
ONE - erm - erm - errr
TIM
Two
BOTCH
TWO yes Two
JOSH
And you do this every day?
BOTCH
Three
THEY ALL DRINK THE SHOT - JOSH PUTS ON A REALLY DISGUSTED FACE AS THOUGH HE
WANTS TO BE SICK
FADE OUT:
WHILST SCREEN IS BLACKED OUT, SHOW
WORDS
"42 MINUTES LATER"
CUT TO:
SCENE 15. PUB. INT. STUDIO 10.10PM DAY 3
Cut to: 42 minutes later
JOSH,TIM AND BOTCH ARE SAT ON ONE SOFA TALKING RUBBISH. ALL REALLY DRUNK.
JOSH IN THE MIDDLE WITH AN ARM AROUND EACH OF THEM.
BOTCH
Did you know, I was born with 11 toes?
JOSH
You know Botch? I would never have guessed. It
doesn't show on your face.
TIM
Botch, that's probably because your parents are
brother and sister.
BOTCH
Yeah, which is kind of strange in itself because their parents
had 2 kids and they were both boys.
THEY ALL PAUSE WITH A LOOK OF CONFUSION AND HORROR
BOTCH
I'd probably best not talk about that. More drinks?
FADE OUT SHOW WORDS:
"ANOTHER 42 MINUTES LATER"
SCENE 16. PUB. INT. STUDIO 9.42PM DAY 3
ALL 3, STILL REALLY DRUNK, ARE STANDING UP SINGING KARAOKE.
JOSH IS FINISHING THE SONG, MONEY MONEY MONEY - BY ABBA.
TIM AND BOTCH IN THE BACKGROUND DOING SYNCHRONISED DANCING TO THE SONG.
BOTCH MOVING LIKE A LAD WOULD MOVE (HEAVY CLUMPY MOVES AND STEPS) - TIM
MOVING WITH CRISP, SHARP MOVES LIKE A GAY MAN LOVING THE SONG.
THE SONG FINISHES AND THEY ALL GO TO A NEARBY SOFA, AGAIN JOSH IN THE MIDDLE
WITH HIS ARMS AROUND BOTCH AND TIM.
JOSH
You know what? Before today, I wouldn't have come
close to you disgusting plebs with a cattle prod.
BOTCH
And believe me, no one appreciates that more than me.
JOSH
But since I've got to know you a bit. I can say, I no
longer hate you... (LOOKS AT TIM) well maybe you
because you keep touching my bottom.
TIM WHIPS HIS HAND BACK, SCRATCHES THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND LOOKS AROUND TO
PRETEND NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
JOSH
But I understand your jokes now. I understand the
joke where you tried to make me drink a glass of your
urine.
Botch
I did that out of love for my fellow man.
Tim
(QUITE UPSET) Tsk. Favouritism again, you never
said that to me. You never tried to make ME drink a
glass of your urine.
JOSH
(TO BOTH) I think I'm going to like you
A BELL RINGS
LANDLORD
TIME AT THE BAR
BOTCH
Right. Time to go. I've found that when I drive to the
pub, drinking this much is the only thing that stops me
driving home again.
JOSH
Really? How so?
BOTCH
I can't remember where I parked the car.
THEY STAND UP, JOSH WALKS A FEW STEPS, STOPS WITH A LOOK AS THOUGH HE'S ABOUT
TO BE SICK.
HE HEAVES AND STOPS AT THE LAST SECOND.
JOSH
(TO THE CAMERA) I bet you thought I was going to
be sick. Well I'm not.
HE SUDDENLY HEAVES ONCE MORE AND AGAIN STOPS AT THE VERY LAST MOMENT
JOSH
Ha... fooled you again?
FROM BEHIND TIM APPEARS AND THROWS UP OVER JOSH'S BACK
END OF EPISODE
