A NEWS REPORTER on location. There's all sorts of commotion in the background, a large gathering of people. There is a massive sheet of some kind of shiny, see-through, plastic-like stuff. It's enormous, and piled up quite high.
NEWS REPORTER
Yes, that's right, Jonathon. I'm here at Land's End, Cornwall, where the religious group YAHWEH In Unto Gaia has gathered to launch their latest faith-ititive, erm, fishitive, erm...
CUT TO: STUDIO.
JONATHON
What's that, Jane?
CUT BACK.
NEWS REPORTER
A faith initiative. With me here now is Senior Archon of the YAHWEH In Unto Gaia movement, Perranporth Branch, Darrence Tarwell.
DARRENCE
Hi.
NEWS REPORTER
Hi indeed. Now Darrence, would you like to explain, for the viewers at home, what exactly YAHWEH In Unto Gaia is, and what you're doing out here on this lovely, sunny, no-need-to-go-to-the-French-Riviera-when-you-can-stay-at-home-and-get-the-same-thing-more-or-less kind of day here in lovely Cornwall? You're not only developing tumorous moles, are you? (laughs slightly)
DARRENCE
(jovially) Hehe, no.. (seriously) We're here submitting meekly to the will of YAHWEH. His every whim, his every desire.
NEWS REPORTER
Wonderful!
DARRENCE
Oh yes. Y'see, YIUG believe-
NEWS REPORTER
Sorry, "YIUG"?
DARRENCE
Yes, YAHWEH IN UNTO GAIA. It's an acronym.
NEWS REPORTER
Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see. (Pause) Who?
DARRENCE
Us.
NEWS REPORTER
Oh sorry! Miles away. Me, not you. Not literally, of course. I mean, I don't live here, though: Berkshire.
DARRENCE
Right. Anyway, we believe in the indivisible unity of God - birth name YAHWEH - and Gaia, that is mother Earth.
NEWS REPORTER
Okay. And what's all this plasticy stuff over here.
Some shots of the background plasticy stuff with workers dragging it about.
DARRENCE
Well, erm, this is seventeen thousand square feet of polyurethane, and, err, we're hoping to construct the world's largest, err, prophylactic.
NEWS REPORTER
Prophylactic? For the benefit of viewers out there, would you care to explain what a "pro-phy-lac-tic" is?
DARRENCE
It's a condom.
NEWS REPORTER
Golly. A condom, eh? Erm. Why?
DARRENCE
Well, we are of the firm belief in YIUG-
NEWS REPORTER
That's the, err, YAHWEH In-
DARRENCE
--Unto Gaia, yes. Anyway, erm.. where was I?
NEWS REPORTER
Right here.
DARRENCE
Oh yes, of course. Anyway, God, he's a big chap, right?
NEWS REPORTER
Surely must be!
DARRENCE
I mean, in order to create the world and everything in it, not to mention space, the whole vastness of interstellar territory, I mean, he must be a sizable fella. At lea
t.. the size of an average multi-storey carpark. Probably bigger. We reckon he's comparable in size, at the smallest end, to Bluewater, and at the biggest, lower Bavaria.
NEWS REPORTER
So, pretty big, either way.
DARRENCE
Oh yes. And, err, basically, we believe that God - YAHWEH - is going to come in unto Gaia, that is, f**k her, and then, well, basically, cum.
NEWS REPORTER
Really? Fascinating!
DARRENCE
Why thank you. And yes, erm, anyway, after he's shot his divine load, it'll mix with the molten hot magma at the centre of the Earth, forming a kind of honey-like substance, which'll spew up onto the land in a thick stream, covering the entire Earth in a layer of liquid, about, oo, I'ld say, twelve to eighteen inches in depth.
NEWS REPORTER
Golly.
DARRENCE
Hmm. And err, we'll be able to eat this honey-like issue, erm, and it'll be never-ending in supply, and, err, even if you don't like honey or anything, err, that's fine, cos it'll change its flavour depending on what flavour you want to taste: Wendsleydale, Cornish Pasty, Chicken Korma, and, erm, cucumber.
NEWS REPORTER
What about cabbage?
DARRENCE
Any flavour, basically, yes.
NEWS REPORTER
Savoy or Kale?
DARRENCE
Whatever you fancy.
NEWS REPORTER
Well, truly, that's just.. splendid. Isn't it, Jonathon, isn't that splendid?
CUT AWAY: The Studio. JONATHON blinks.
DARRENCE
And, err, you'll be able to fashion hats out of this God juice. Pots, pans, television aerials. We're calling the stuff "Mana Mark Two", although STEVE (a distant figure waves) prefers "Special Sauce". Interestingly, Jesus was made out of pure Special Sauce, and, on account of its medicinal and healing properties, he was able to hang around with Lepers, drunks, and prostitutes, and, err, come away with only a mild case of genital warts.
NEWS REPORTER
That really is, genuinely, quite fascinating, and a lovely way to spend a life. Now, the sheath, when completed... (thinks) Hang on.
DARRENCE
What's wrong?
NEWS REPORTER scratches their head.
NEWS REPORTER
If, err, if God's wearing this sheath, erm, how's his issue going to, well, issue?
DARRENCE
Erm... oh yeah. That's, huh. That's really weird. We never thought about that.
NEWS REPORTER
Yes, well, I mean, I only just thought of it now. Granted, only after about six hours with you here at Camp Cum, whereas you've been thinking about this presumably for...
DARRENCE
My whole life, pretty much, yes. It is a lifelong goal of the YAHWEH In Unto Gaia movement.
NEWS REPORTER
Sorry I've gone and spoilt it for you.
DARRENCE
Well, better now than in six months time when the sock would've reached to John o' Groats.
NEWS REPORTER
Yes...
Lapse into silence.
NEWS REPORTER (brightly)
So.. Yes, that's right Jonathon. You're joining me here at Land's End, Cornwall, where the religious group YAHWEH In Unto Gaia has gathered to launch their latest project to construct the universe's largest...
DARRENCE
...Erm, the universe's largest, errr, box of clingfilm.
NEWS REPORTER
Marvellous! How's it going?
DARRENCE
Well, the Guinness Book of Record inspectors are pleased so far with...
His voice fades out as the screen fades to black.