Restaurant sketch.

Edit 3

SCENE1

JEN AND TIM ARE IN A NICE INDIAN RESTAURANT ENJOYING THEIR AFTER 8s WITH THE BILL
THE WAITER APPROACHES

TIM
Ah I was wandering if I could ask a favour. I seem to be a bit short.

JEN
Tim you're always doing this and you know I'm broke.

TIM
Well sweety these things happen when bohemians date artists.

JEN
Hey you know how we can get out of this fix. You remember what we did at Glastonbury?

TIM
Of course you're a genius. Excuse me sir.

WAITER
Yes sir.

TIM
Could we do the washing up for you in lieu of payment? You see we're young crazy.

JEN
And so in love.

WAITER
We do prefer payment. If you left your phone you could maybe pop to a cashmachine?

TIM
Oh it'll be fun. We're really very good at the washing up.

JEN
We could help you like in the movies please, pretty please?

WAITER
Ok just like the movies.

SCENE2
TIM JEN AND THE WAITER ARE IN A DARKENED CELLAR THERE IS A VILE SOUND OF LABOURED BREATHING.

THE LIGHTS GO ON

THE BASEMENT IS HUGE, FILLING THE CENTRES IS A PINK PULSATING MASS OF LIVING FLESH, IT HAS THICK ROPE LIKE BLUE VEINS THAT PULSE RHYTHMICALLY.

IT HAS A TINY SHRIVLLED CHICKENS HEAD, AND DOZENS OF SHRIVELLED COWS LEGS.

AN ARMY OF WAITERS IN HAZMAT CARVE CHUNKS OF IT'S FLESH OFF ONTO TRAYS. PERIODICALLY A CHUNK SLIPS OFF AND TRUS TO CRAWL AWAY. THE WAITERS THEN BEAT SAID CHUNKS TILL THEY MEWL PITEOUSLY LIKE SCARED KITTENS. (THEY BEAT THEM WITH SPECIAL ELECTRICAL BATONS, WHAT EVER THIS SUBSTANCE IS THEY DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT).

TIM
I say where's the washing up?

JEN
This is nothing like the movies.

WAITER
I like diferent movies.

JEN
Tim you idiot it didn't work at Glastonbury. We got arrested.

TIM
Oh hold me Jen I'm scared.

A DOZEN WAITERS DRAG TIM AND JEN DOWN TO THE CREATURE THERE IS A STRUGGLE.

WHEN THE STRUGGLE ENDS JIM IS STANDING LOOKING ANNOYED WITH A PSEUDOPOD FROM THE FLESH CREATURE IN HIS TROUSERS APPARENTLY FELLATING HIM

LIN HAS HER KNICKERS ROUND HER ANKLE AND A PSEUDOPOD UP HER SKIRT.

JEN
Oh Jim this is terrible. I think this creature is impregnating me, oh God it's going to eat me from the inside out isn't it?

TIM
I'm so sorry my little Florence, your machine was a fool. I think it's going to fellate me till I'm an empty bag of skin.

JEN
We should have stayed home and shared a tin of chickpeas, I love how you cook them. We should have stayed home, all we need is each other.

TIM
Oh Jen marry me. If we live through this, if those evil Indian waiters don't kill us, if we some how escape. Will you marry me?

JEN
Yes. And if we escape with our little part human, part chicken, mutant meat creature. We'll raise it together?

TIM
Yes my darling we will. We'll send the little thing to St Chads.

JEN
St Chads? You mean.

ONE OF THE WAITER TURNS TO THE VIEWER AND PULLS OFF HIS HOOD, IT IS SOOTYJ HE RAISES A BIG SIGN WHICH SAYS "Here comes the punchline."

TIM
Yes we're going to it a Catholic education.

WAITER
Now that is horrific.

Based on a true story.

Edit 1 below

That's some crazy schizzle right there, Sootyj - I liked it though. Cronenberg line may have clunked a little and I'd sugges simply 'Waiter: It's like some movies'. - But very twisted, squire, as are a few of your things at the minute - anything we should know about

Edit: This forum automatically puts apostrophes in even when you don't want 'em - weird

Bit clunky in places but I love the freakishness of this.

Thanks the clunkiness is a bit deliberate, I may try a declunked version.

And the freakishness? Nah just thought it was funny.
But I wouldn't forget your wallet at the Star of Delhi...

Quote: sootyj @ April 25 2010, 2:44 PM BST

SCENE1
Edit1

SCENE1

JEN AND TIM ARE IN A NICE INDIAN RESTAURANT ENJOYING THEIR AFTER 8s WITH THE BILL
THE WAITER APPROACHES

TIM
Erm this is a bit embarassing. But I forgot my wallet.

JEN
Oh Tim you dingbat! Can we just do your washingup like they do in the movies?

WAITER
We do prefer payment. If you left your phone you could maybe pop to a cashmachine?

TIM
Oh it'll be fun. We're really very good at the washing up.

WAITER
Ok just like the movies.

SCENE2
TIM JEN AND THE WAITER ARE IN A DARKENED CELLAR THERE IS A VILE SOUND OF LABOURED BREATHING.

THE LIGHTS GO ON

THE BASEMENT IS HUGE, FILLING THE CENTRES IS A PINK PULSATING MASS OF LIVING FLESH, IT HAS THICK ROPE LIKE BLUE VEINS THAT PULSE RHYTHMICALLY.

IT HAS A TINY SHRIVLLED CHICKENS HEAD, AND DOZENS OF SHRIVELLED COWS LEGS.

AN ARMY OF WAITERS IN HAZMAT CARVE CHUNKS OF IT'S FLESH OFF ONTO TRAYS. PERIODICALLY A CHUNK SLIPS OFF AND TRUS TO CRAWL AWAY. THE WAITERS THEN BEAT SAID CHUNKS TILL THEY MEWL PITEOUSLY LIKE SCARED KITTENS.

TIM
I say where's the washing up?

JEN
This is nothing like the movies.

WAITER
I'm a fan of David Cronenberg.

A DOZEN WAITERS DRAG TIM AND JEN DOWN TO THE CREATURE THERE IS A STRUGGLE.

WHEN THE STRUGGLE ENDS JIM IS STANDING LOOKING ANNOYED WITH A PSEUDOPOD FROM THE FLESH CREATURE IN HIS TROUSERS APPARENTLY FELLATING HIM

LIN HAS HER KNICKERS ROUND HER ANKLE AND A PSEUDOPOD UP HER SKIRT.

JEN
Well that's just dandy. I'm going to be mother to an Indian Restaurant meat creature. Which will eat it's way out of my uterus leaving you a single dad.

TIM
Atleast the schools near us are good.

WAITER
It's going to be home schooled.

JEN AND TIM SCREAM

Based on a true story..

View original

Love the idea; playing with expectation, but the beginning seems hammy, I would probably go for a more realistic set-up to offset against the surreal kitchen scene.

Damnation that is actually me writing realistically

Sooty, very very good! Not so much comedy as wonderful horror-comedy: Jam, The League of Gentlemen, Psychoville, and now... sooty!

A very minor nitpick, but your spelling and punctuation always seems a touch random. Not a big deal, it's easily fixable. But after you've workshoped stuff with us, always make sure you sort that longsome SPaG stuff out, cos it does matter.

I prefer the version "Edit 3" in the first post, not the version halfway down the page.

I also agree with The Giggle-o's comments.

Keep it up, you sick muthah!

You know I think of this as a sweet rom-com, with a dash of satire.

Is it really sick?

I see it performed by Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus with Shane Ritchie as the waiter. And John Prescott as the meat monster.

Sootyj will of course be played by Johnny Depp.

Great casting choice: Prezza will need minimal make-up. Indeed, you may need to make that monster **down**.

Bizarre but very imaginative Sootyj.

I just found this oddity, why the hell did I write it?

I just found this oddity, why the hell did I write it?

That is the craziest thing I've ever read.

But I liked it