New Sitcom Script Page 2

Over a year later, and I've decided to dust this one off. I decided to go with the off-air/on-air suggestions to enable better storytelling. Also I hope the restrained tension of the 'on-air' stuff reflects the openly antagonistic relationships 'off-air'. I've included a sample of the revised script that moves from 'off-air' to 'on-air'. Let me know what you think.

This is intended for radio.

**************************

SCENE 5: INT. SOUND BOOTH - MORNING (OFF AIR)

F/X: A TINKLING OF SPOON IN COFFEE MUG.

ANT: You don't seem quite with it today, Lucy.

LUCY: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?

ANT: I don't know. Maybe it's because you're stirring your coffee with your iPlayer. Or maybe it's because there's no coffee in the mug, and the mug is actually a plant pot, but you seem distracted.

LUCY: I don't know what you mean. I'm fine.

ANT: Is this about the other night?

LUCY: Of course not. I'm not upset about that, why should I be upset about that?

ANT: I'm sorry; I thought you were up for it.

F/X: SPOON TINKLING GETS LOUDER.

ANT: The other girl certainly was.

F/X: SOUND OF PLANT POT SMASHING.

F/X: BOOTH DOOR OPENS

MATT: Room for one more, Lucy?

LUCY: I don't do threesomes!

MATT: Right. I'll just get a coffee from the machine instead.

F/X: DOOR CLOSES. DOOR OPENS AGAIN.

MATT: Can I just say for the record that I don't view the female staff of this station as sex objects? Women have brains too I accept that.

F/X: DOOR CLOSES. DOOR OPENS AGAIN.

MATT: Do you know what the most erotic organ in the body is?

LUCY: Oh God, you're not going to show it to me are you?

MATT: The brain. I think I read that somewhere. So having a brain is actually sexier than... not having a brain.

LUCY: Are you on medication?

MATT: What I mean is, just having sex with a body is alright in the beginning but sooner or later you find yourself wanting more.

LUCY: Oh God! You're a necrophiliac!

MATT: What?

ANT: Damn! We're meant to be back on the air!

F/X: SOUND OF RUNNING FEET, PANIC ETC. DOOR CLOSES.

SCENE 6: INT. STUDIO - MORNING

GRAMS: JINGLE: RADIO HERON! GUFFING IN STEREO!

MATT: Hi! We're back. We had a slight technical hitch just now, so apologies for the dead air.

LUCY: Silent as the grave wasn't it Matt?

MATT: Yes it was so, Lucy.

LUCY: Although you get a thrill out of that don't you?

PAUSE

MATT: Yes. Yes, the excitement of live radio eh?

LUCY: It's like a drug I'll bet?

MATT: Maybe.

LUCY: Like Rohypnol, that's a drug isn't it?

ANT: (THRU GLASS) We've got tripe on line one!

MATT: Thank God. Let's take the call. Hello there, what's your name?

NORMAN (40s-50s): Norman. But everyone calls me Rambo.

MATT: Oh, why's that? Is it because you look like Stallone? Or are you just sly? (LAUGHS)

NORMAN: It's on account of me strippin' to me waist during the summer months I think. That and I carry a knife.

MATT: Right. And you like tripe?

GORDON: Can't stand the stuff. My old man used to have it in his tuck box.

MATT: Aha.

GORDON: Waste of space he was.

MATT: That's great, well thanks for-

GORDON: Loved his tripe though.

MATT: Yep.

GORDON: More than his kids.

MATT: Well, thank you Gordon.

GORDON: Call me Rambo.

MATT: Will do. Bye then.

NORMAN: You don't care.

MATT: Yes we do. Caring, sharing radio, that's us. Right, bye then.

F/X: DIAL TONE

**************************
Do back track and review the original script for comparison and please give me some feedback on this new stuff too. Cheers.

Marc.

Anybody fancy having a second look at this script I've written. Mainly these revised bits at the end, but feel free to back-track through the rest.

I read this new extract, and some of the previous stuff--this new piece works much better. I like the tension evident in the "On-air" bits, due to them not coming out directly and saying what's on their minds. Subtext makes for interest, in my book.

Not sure if the crazy caller is the best way to go about this scene, though. It doesn't really have anything to do with what went before. Rather then rising to a climax, the scene seems to fizzle out towards the end. Maybe Lucy could gang up with the caller against Matt?

Also, have you plotted out your story before you begin, or do you tend to make things up as you go? It may be worth trying the former method. That way you have a clear idea of what each scene is designed to accomplish.

For example, what I noticed in the earlier version is that a lot of the scenes were really just repeats of "Matt fancies Lucy but she won't give him the time of day". This caused me to lose interest. It's a question of flexing your story muscles. What is Matt's goal? How does he go about achieving it, and how does it go wrong?

1. Matt fancies Lucy but she won't give him time of day.
2. Matt asks Ant for tips on how to impress Lucy. Ant tells him she likes men with expensive cars.
3. Matt drops hints into conversation with Lucy that he owns a Ferrari. Lucy asks to see it.
4. Matt hires a ferrari for a day.
5. Takes Lucy for a ride.
6. Crashes Ferrari.

I know this isn't the direction you want to go in, but it's an idea of how plot points lead to something happening, rather than just repeating the same idea.

Anyway, to be honest, I think I've written all this just to help myself with the problems I'm having on my own script! Hope it helped you at least a little bit!