BSG Comp 22-30.4.10

Cheers and congratulats to WILL CAM for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Will Cam
3 - 5 - Angiebaby
2 - 1 - Badge
Special mention: bigfella, Nigel, Kasm, Cool Mikado, Gerry McDonnell, Nil Putters, Mr Sunshine, followed by Andie, bigcam and Otterfox

Your new subject: ROMANCE
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 30.4.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

124 - Mr Sunshine
117 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
107 - Otterfox
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Nigel Kelly
85 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
78 - Timbo
78 - Kasm
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
54 - Scratchyr
40 - Angiebaby
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Gerry McDonnell
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Alex Mahon
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
12 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Will Cam
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
06 - The Giggle-O
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

TREVOR
That's my CD.

ANNE
You bought it for our anniversary.

TREVOR
Well yes, for me.

ANNE
Fine.

F/XANNE throws the CD in TREVOR'S face. There is rustling as she looks for something else.

ANNE
Aha.

TREVOR
Come on now, what are you doing with that?

ANNE
Oh, you know I bought this in Marakesh.

TREVOR
And you know I brought you to Marakesh.

ANNE
That's ridiculous.

TREVOR
Look you can have it, of course you can. (Beat) But then you do owe me the money for the air fare.

ANNE
Alright then, if you're going to be like that, I bought you the brochure from the travel agent from which we bought our holiday, I renewed your passport when you forgot to and I booked your time off work after plying your boss with vodka and a shufti or six at my cleavage.

TREVOR
That's crazy. It's my lamp.

ANNE
It's mine.

TREVOR
It's mine.

F/XExertion as they try to prise the lamp from each other's grip. There's a poof followed by chronic coughing.

TREVOR
What the -?

ANNE
Goodness.

TREVOR
If that was some sort of booby trap...

ANNE
Of course it wasn't, I don't know how you think I am -

TREVOR
Oh, I'll tell you exactly who -

GENIE
(Interrupting) Right, sorry to interrupt but I've got to ask this, we have protocol you see. Ahem. Who dares disturb my slumber? Ooh, that was my scariest voice yet.

TREVOR
What?

ANNE
What the Hell are you doing here?

GENIE
Oh no, this is one of those 'They Don't Know They've Summoned You' calls, isn't it? Right, I'll just quote directly from the genie pamphlet if I may? Here we are 'have stumbled into an abyss of mystery, tumbling down and down through the aeons, science peeling away in layers, a science unable to refute the very real fact, that a genie is here and at your service'.
(BEAT)

ANNE
Is this another of your friends?

TREVOR
He just came out of that lamp!

ANNE
That's up there with the most stupid things I've ever heard.

TREVOR
He's got no legs, just sort of smoke, look. You can see it.

ANNE
Don't you tell me what I can or can't see Trevor Millett.

GENIE
Oh dear, don't argue, I can grant you three wishes.

ANNE
Alright; wish one, get out.

TREVOR
No, hang about.

GENIE
That's two.

TREVOR
Oh Anne, look what you've done now.

ANNE
Don't you blame me for this. If you'd just let me take my lamp.

TREVOR
Give us our wishes back, you wispy bastard.

GENIE
Oh, I wish they'd make this clearer. I'm really sorry, but you can't wish for more wishes, otherwise we'd lose our holidays.

ANNE
(interrupting) He didn't wish that though did he, you translucent tit. He wants you to stop tricking us and start again. Give us our wishes back.

TREVOR
I would mate, when she wants something, she'll dig her nasty claws in until she gets it.

ANNE
Trevor! Don't you dare speak about me like that, I'm right here.

TREVOR
You always bloody are.

ANNE
Well you don't have to worry about that any more. Have the wish.

TREVOR
Oh yeah right, I aint falling for that. You'll hold it against me. It's your wish.

ANNE
And have you laying guilt on me any time I see you; 'remember how I gave you my last wish.'

GENIE
Look, you still have one wish left, you can have anything you like on Earth- world peace, immortality...(Beat) Genies shoes?

(BEAT)

ANNE
It's my wish.

TREVOR
It's mine.

ANNE
My lamp, my wish.

F/XTrevor and Anne continue to argue, Genie mutters.

GENIE
Fine, I'll climb back in then, I'm sorry but I grew up in a broken home, Mum left with the polishing, Dad poncing about Disneyland. I know I've got to dislocate all my limbs to get back through that bloody spout but it can't be any worse than listening to this...

F/XAnother giant woosh of air.

A door opens, and a girl walks in to a flat full of flowers. She is ecstatic as she looks to the carnations on top of the TV, the roses scattered across the sofa and the enormous bouquet on the coffee table.

GIRL
Oh, this is lovely. I've been forgiven then.

The window smashes. A bee hive has been thrown through. The bees buzz as they begin to escape.

A tag is wrapped around the beehive, marked with the solitary word, 'No'.

LILLY enters her apartment. The lighting is soft and romantic. The table is set for dinner, and on either side of a beautiful floral centre-piece,sandlewood scented candles flicker their heady perfume into the air. She's speechless.

JAKE is in the shadows, sitting on the sofa. A delicately gift-wrapped box is on his lap. With gentle sensuality he says: Come here Lil, I've got a little something for you.

LILLY drifts dreamily accross the room to Jake and looks down at Jake's present: If this is another wrapped-up boner I'll f**king kill you.

Laid in my Bed

(to be savoured alongside http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5OeKIZ0SCM)

I've never seen you looking so horny as you did tonight
I've never felt my pants so tight, mm-mm-mmmm!
I've never seen so many lads ask you if you wanted a fag
They're hoping it'll lead to a shag, I'm such a wag
I have never seen that mess you're wearing
And the highlight of the night's to watch your tights, or are you blind.
Get laid in my bed, start poking with me, cheeks to cheeks
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, and some guy from TV.
But I hardly know your bum, your bits, your thighs
I'll never forget the way we had it off.

I've never seen you looking so wasted as you did tonight
I've never seen you down those pints, it's so amazing
I've never seen so many people want to be here in your bed
And when you turned to me and puked, it blew my shirt away
I have never had such a feeling
Such a feeling of complete and utter lust, as I do tonight
Get naked and hot, let's have naughty fun, oh such cheek
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, and London's rugby team.
'Cause I'm hard you know, my willy is king-sized,
I'll never forget the way we had it off.

I never will forget, the way we had it off.
Get laid in my bed
You randy hot-head
Get laid in my bed
Get laid, I said (I want you)

A WOMAN SITS STARING LOVINGLY AT HER HUSBAND AS HE DRIVES THEIR CAR.

WIFE
I was wrong about you Dave, you really are romantic.

DAVE GRUNTS, EYES ON THE ROAD.

WIFE
I mean, surprising me with a trip to the shops where we met. (SMILING) You picked up a real bargain that day.

DAVE
Well, I've lost the receipt but I've got the bag for life.

THE WIFE SCOWLS AT DAVE, CROSSES HER ARMS AND STARES OUT OF THE PASSENGER SIDE WINDOW.

DAVE SMILES.

END.

SCENE: BEDROOM - NIGHT

A MAN AND WOMAN BEGIN MAKING LOVE. AFTER A VERY SHORT SESSION THE MAN ROLLS OFF, SATISFIED.

MAN: Wow, that was great.

WOMAN: Hey! Don't I get anything?

MAN: Oh sorry, babe.

HE REACHES OVER AND OFFERS HER A KLEENEX.

END

*********

PS: My vote goes to Gerry McDonnell

DAN
Right love, that's it, our first game of World Cup 2010.

JANE
But Dan. You PROMISED me a romantic day today.

DAN
I know and I always keep my promises.

JANE
Bu -

THE DOOR GOES. DAN ANSWERS. IT'S ROBBIE WILLIAMS.

DAN
Just in time, in you come.

ROBBIE
Where is she? in here?

DAN
Yea, in you go.

ROBBIE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. JANE FEINTS INSTANTLY.

DAN
Beers are in the fridge.

ROBBIE
Nice one

IT'S HALF TIME. JANE STARTS TO STIR.

DAN
Shit, she's usually out for at least 2 hours.

ROBBIE
No probs. (Taking out mobile phone) I figured this might happen. (Into phone) Hey Ant, it's me. (beat) Quick as you's can.

END

INT. LIVING ROOM DAY

LISA IS VACUUMING THE FLOOR; IT SUDDENLY STARTS MAKING A SHRILL NOISE. SHE TRIES TO TURN IT OFF BUT THE SOUND CONTINUES. SHE UPENDS THE VACUUM AND CHECKS THE BOTTOM. AS SHE LOOKS INSIDE, TWO MINIATURE HOOVERS POP OUT ONE AFTER THE OTHER. THE SOUND STOPS.

LISA

What the...?

ENTER JOHN.

JOHN

What are you doing down...(LISA LOOKS UP AT JOHN, HE CAN NOW SEE THE TWO MINI HOOVERS) Look, Lisa, I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out like this.

LISA

About what?

JOHN

Me (BEAT) the hoover, we've been...

HE WALKS OVER TO THE HOOVER AND PICKS IT UP.

LISA

What?

JOHN

Well, when you went off the idea of going down south on me, I missed it. That's when it all started. (HE SCOOPS UP THE MINI HOOVERS) And now we've got our own little family.

LISA

Have you lost your mind?

JOHN

I'm sorry Lisa, but I don't think there's room in this family for you.

LISA STORMS OUT, AND LOOKS BACK AT JOHN BEMUSED. JOHN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS HOOVERS AND BEAMS. HE SETS THEM DOWN GENTLY, THEN BEGINS TO UNDO HIS FLIES.

END OF SKETCH

Lonely Hearts Ads.

Men seeking Women.

Softly spoken scottish gentleman, brown hair, hazel eyes, tends towards the depressive....nothing that regular sex wouldn't solve.

INT. AFRICA - DAY.

CECIL SMYTHE, A NINETEENTH CENTURY EXPLORER, IS DYING AFTER BEING BITTEN BY A SNAKE. HIS FRIEND RUPERT IS BY HIS SIDE.

CECIL SMYTHE:
Rupert. Rupert. Kiss me Rupert

RUPERT KISSES HIM.

CECIL SMYTHE:
(Coughing up blood) Thanks, Rupert. I suppose all in all it's been a romantic kind of day.

RUPERT:
(Frowning) What do you mean, old chap?

CECIL SMYTHE:
Well, first I've had a lovebite from a snake. Then a kiss from you. I suppose the only thing left is to be buggered.

HE HEARS A NOISE BEHIND RUPERT. HE LIFTS HIS HEAD AND SEES A GORILLA SLIPPING ON A CONDOM.

CECIL SMYTHE:
You've got to be kidding me.

RUPERT:
You're lucky the rhino picked the short straw.

Is there any point of me joining this compo considering I'll never ever top the leader board at this rate...? Oh well, who cares. Also, not exactly the best thing I have ever written, but again... whatever. LOL.

"Porno"

A MALE PORN STAR and a FEMALE PORN STAR. MALE PORN STAR looks down at her with disgust. His forehead has beads of sweet on it, his face glistens, and he wears an awful grimace. He "turkey slaps" his co-worker. We hear a slapping sound.

MALE PORN STAR
Yeh! You like that? Huh? Yeah?

FEMALE PORN STAR (OOS) (in agreement)
Mm-hmm.

MALE PORN STAR
Yeh, you like that, doncha? Mm, yeah!

Slapping sound continues.

MALE PORN STAR
Yeh. I'm gonna shoot off in your face. Would you like that?

FEMALE PORN STAR (OOS)
A-huh.

MALE PORN STAR
Yeah, I'm gonna shoot off straight in your eye, do ya want that? Huh?

FEMALE PORN STAR (OOS)
Mmmm yeh.

MALE PORN STAR
Yeh, I'm gonna shoot off in your f**king face, bitch!

FEMALE PORN STAR (OOS)
Oh yeah!

MALE PORN STAR
Gonna f**king blind ya bitch!

FEMALE PORN STAR
Oh do it! Do it!

MALE PORN STAR
Yeah! I'm gonna f**kin' blind ya, whore! God I f**king hate women! I f**kin' hate 'em!

Slapping sound gets suddenly much more rapid.

MALE PORN STAR is now shaking his head from a mixture of rage and despair.

MALE PORN STAR
I f**king hate bitches! Shit!

Slapping continues apace.

MALE PORN STAR
Why'd she leave me?

Slapping is very rapid now.

MALE PORN STAR
Oh God, why'd she f**kin' leeeeave meee??

MALE PORN STAR starts to weep, dryly.

MALE PORN STAR
Anne! Anne!

He shrinks and begins to weep profusely. FEMALE PORN STAR's face comes into shot as she shuffles position. She is very confused.

DIRECTOR (OOS)
Cut!!

END.

CAMERA PANS ROUND A LOUNGE. WE SEE DARTS TROPHIES DISPLAYED. A COUPLE ARE HAVING SEX ON THE RUG. MAN ROLLS OFF OF HER.

MAN.
One hundred and eighty!!

WOMAN
You cheeky bastard I'm not a dart board.

MAN
No, You're my 180th shag.

DAVE IS IN AN OLD CARD SHOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINES CARD. HE IS SCANNING THROUGH THE CARDS WHEN HIS FRIEND JASON APPEARS.

JASON:
Have you not got your card yet? Jeez you're leaving it late, today is Valentines Day.

DAVE:
I know! And I wanted to make this year really special. You know with romantic music, dinner and candles, the works. Now I can't even find a bloody card.

JASON:
Did you check for a card over here? (he looks through a few) God, these are really specific.

They all look like apology cards.(reading cards) 'I'm Sorry Your Eyebrows Fell Off', 'We're Sorry Your Foal Got Pneumonia', 'I'm Sorry For Picking Your Scab', 'I'm Sorry You Died'.

DAVE:
Not exactly what I'm looking for Jas.

JASON:
They do have 'Thank You', cards here. Maybe you'll find something in there.

DAVE:
Yeah, lets have a look. (reading cards) 'Thank You For Stinging My Brother', 'Thank You For Copying Me', what...? 'Thank you for kicking my silhouette'. What the hell kind of card shop is this?

JASON:
Look, a miscellaneous section. Your bound to find something in that.

DAVE:
(picks up a few cards) 'Happy Wednesday', 'To a Special Brother On Your Cousins Birthday', 'Congratulations On Passing Wind'.

SHOP OWNER WALKS PAST.

DAVE:
Excuse me. Do you have any Valentines cards?

SHOP OWNER:
There should be a couple left on this shelf.

HE TWISTS THE CARD SHELF AROUND AND THERE ARE 2 LONELY VALENTINES CARDS ON IT.

DAVE:
Excellent. (again reading the cards) 'To My Valentine On Boxing Day', 'Be My Valentine...Or Else'(beat) Have you got anything else?

SHOP OWNER:
I might have one behind the counter.

HE HANDS IT TO DAVE.

DAVE:
(READING) 'To My Beautiful Girlfriend On Valentines Day'. This looks perfect!

HE READS THE VERSE INSIDE:

'Everything reminds me of you
Flowers and trees remind me of you
A soft summer breeze reminds me of you

A nice red brick reminds me of you
An elf getting sick reminds me of you

A swan on helium reminds me of you
A tshirt sized medium reminds me of you

A bag of sportswear reminds me of you
A handful of horsehair reminds me of you
Every single thing reminds me of you'.

DAVE:
(Gives a big lamentful sigh) I'll take it.

END.