I've written a sitcom... Page 4

Quote: Marc P @ April 29 2010, 3:16 PM BST

You look......amazing. Have you been dieting?

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Not if the writer wants two pauses in one sentence.

http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/841/sophiescopy.pdf

hey chaps, new draft if anyone's interested.. there's bits I'm still still not happy with, they're in bold - any feedback on those in particular would be great. Oh, and I've kept the polaroid in - she'd have one, and that's that. I've talked to camera collectors and photographers since who all agree that a fan of kooky stuff would have one, and the film isn't at all hard to find. So it stays anyway, have a read if you fancy and let me know your thoughts...

Hi Maffew,

firstly can I say that I really like style in which this is written and I take my hat off to anyone that can create and develop charachters (or spell it???). I certainly can't, I don't have the patience for it. I reckon it's a nine 'o' clock onwards show. My GF would love it, I'd watch it too but I'm a miserable git and people have to lose limbs for me to laugh. It's got some good grit without being too crude. My advice. Go at it full guns, don't soften it up for the pre watershed crowd. Keep it gritty and daring but don't use the C word. Unless you really, really have to and only if it's going to be seriously funny. (not that you have used it....yet.)

I actually prefer the 2nd draft of the opening three scenes(April 20, 2010, 7:46 PM BST - Edited by maffew on April 20 2010, 11:04 PM BST). I.e. the one WITHOUT THE POLAROID!!. In the field of comedy critique, never has there been so much shite talked by so many about so little.

I loved the beer garden bit about relationships, girls being attractive etc and the wheelchair gag was fantastic. Don't change a word! Shame 'cus I also like the mime for gay sex bit in the other draft, use that again at a later date, maybe he asks when gay girls want to talk about gay sex descretely do they mime to circles banging together? leads on to 'well what about men, what would they do?' He mimes to fingers together???

I'm going to make a couple of very small adjustments / suggestions for the opening payground scene. Feel free to tell me to f**k off if you like but I'm going to do it any way. You can't stop me!!

PLAYGROUND - MORNING

A group of five and six year old children come running through the school gates making noise and shouting.

CLOSE UP

DAN YOUNG (late twenties) His eyes open, saliva has dried around his mouth. We pull back - he is underneath a jungle gym, which kids have started climbing on and banging noisily.

Dan sits up quickly and children reach through the bars and pull his hair and poke his face.

Dan, still dazed pats himself down and finds his packet of cigarettes in his jacket pocket, pops one in his mouth and lights it. He turns to one of the kids, a BOY stood staring him like he's found a dead body.

DAN
It's hard isn't it? Keeping a relationship going. You can put all your efforts into it, y'know, give it 110 per cent but in the end it doesn't matter, it's all pointless. What's your name?

BOY
James.

DAN
James. Hi, I'm Dan. It was going so well, James - we were happy, I thought so any way. But that's when things go wrong isn't it? When things are at their best.

He hold out his cigarettes, offering the child one, James puts his hand out in a 'stop' geture, Dan shrugs his shoulders and pockets the cigarettes

JAMES
Mum says, It's bad to smoke

DAN
Good boy James, you listen to your Mum, alright! (pause and says to himself) I know I wish I had, I wouldn't be in this mess. (back to James) All that time, all that money and emotional investment and before you know it your sat under a jungle gym talking to a little kid about how shit everything is. Could be worse, I suppose. I could be watching you from a distance. (Dan laughs)

The boy doesn't get the gag. Just stands staring.

DAN
Do you have a girlfriend, James?

JAMES
Girls smell!

DAN
Exactly. Don't you ever forget that, either. Girls do smell.

JAMES
Of poo and wee!

DAN
Spot on, matey - just keep that up, you'll live a long and happy life. Trust me.
The child laughs and runs off to rejoin his friends.

Dan watches the kid walking off with a whistful smile,

Then the bell rings, he's snapped out of his whistful gaze, remembers why he's there and says shit etc. and the bit of banter with the teacher.....and so on.

I hope I haven't molested your character too much, if you don't like it, hose him down and he'll be just as he was before.

did you read the latest version? It has the beer garden finger mimes and stuff in I like your ideas - I was after a way of bringing up the fact that he's been lying and was going to use talking to the kid as an excuse, but couldn't think of a way to get it in - could include it in the 'listen to your mum' stuff..I quite like your end to to their conversation too..

there was a C word in there but I got rid of it, it wasn't the right point for it..anyhoo thanks for reading, but if you haven't checked out the newest version, have a look.

edit - got your message, will respond soon!

Hello

I read the whole thing so it kept my attention - which is a lot in itself...

I liked the 1st few pages a lot... The playground scene was really good. Then the reversal at the Samaritans - That was really good too.

I found the humour trailed off a bit after that - Still smiley - but less HA HA and more HM HM.. (mouth open and then mouth closed.)

Big question.

Could you write 6 episodes? or more? Because I'm wondering where you go from there.

Wow, nice one for sticking with it

I think there's a load of ways to go.. I'm thinking it might work better not based on books.. either way, there's almost infinite scope for other episodes (although I'd be aiming for 12) - there's an entire world of books and if I chose not to focus on books, there's still an entire world of 'things' for them to do (just getting on a train and seeing where it takes him, robbing a bank, trying drugs blah blah blah).. but I guess in terms of what I have here, now - the next episode is about detectives, then I thought maybe the one after that dan could get injured and it'd be like Misery.. either that or they uncover something bigger while being detectives, but then we're drifting into drama territory..

I thought maybe he could start a blog asking for help and then do whatever the public suggests.. there's plenty of scope in that..?