British Comedy Guide

I've written a sitcom... Page 2

Hi Maffew, I read the first dozen pages and would make the following observations:

There are a number of small grammatical errors, the second line of action for example, a can drops to the floor and roll to the kerb. Other similar instances as well.

At one point, Amy seems to be called Jess, and Ellie and Ellen seem to be interchaingable which just makes it harder for the reader to keep up with.

There is no need to indicate the end of a scene, just clearly show the start of a new one.

A transition is a means of getting from one scene/shot to another. If you feel you need to dictate this then you should indicate CUT/FADE/DISSOLVE etc otherwise, just start a new scene. If you move from the bar to the toilets it is a different location and therefore a new scene heading is required. This is where I gave up as it was chopping from pub to toilets to dance floor to wine bar to flat without much indication of scene changes.

As mentioned previously by other posters, there is too much exposition. In the pub, Ellie has a big chunk of dialogue recapping Dans situation and we already know it so I would say it's not necessary to tell us again.

The action should be more consise. In the pub you say Ellie does the universal finger symbol for having sex, then go on to describe it. You don't need both. Similarly, you describe Dans gesture for gay sex and then tell us what it is supposed to mean. Incidentally, I thought his bumping his fingers together was very funny.

I was unsure why Ellie would be lugging round a polaroid camera when it seems everyone these days has a mobile phone with a camera. It just didn't seem realistic. If she has a particular reason for making that choice I think we need to be aware of it. Maybe she's paranoid about getting a tumour?

As already mentioned, it didn't feel like a sitcom. Sitcom characters are trapped in their immediate situation/circumstance and this is, generally, emphasised by limited locations. There are also bugetary considerations that any producer would take into account.

Having said all this, there were some interesting images and it had an OK feel about it. I liked a lot of your scene where he wakes up in the playground although not sure how easy it would be in practice with swearing at children.

I think if you cut out the transitions/scene ends and duplicated action you'd find it was falling quite a way off the 6000 word mark so you will need to address the length issue too.

Sorry if this all sounds negative and good luck with your next draft.

Hi, no that's great :) it's the negative stuff I was after - going through some pretty radical changes now. Changed the beginning with dan waking up in the school, Amy is now a teacher.. as such the conversation in the pub changed - ellie is a full blown gay now - got rid of all the exposition and re-wrote a lot of the dialogue.

Oh and Ellies camera.. it's the kind of thing she'd have. Later on in the script she produces a big old clunky typewriter she got from a charity shop.. I felt like she'd have found the camera in a bargain bin for 50p and had a big argument with someone because the film is so expensive..

Thanks anyway - I went through some renaming recently and it's hard to tell if you've got them all, there's always a few that slip though...i've fixed some of the issues you mentioned, like making the bar scene clearer and all the expositions gone - I've lost the finger mime gag, too - might try and rework that in there actually.

here's the new beginning and few pages after..

http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/3333/allchange.pdf

Just an aside, but I believe it's nearly impossible to get film for Polaroid cameras now.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Polaroid-type-600-instant-film-twinpack-20-shots_W0QQitemZ250614092692QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUK_Photography_Film?hash=item3a59c39394

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tetenal-624-274-Polaroid-Twin-Film/dp/B00004RFC2

http://www.johnlewis.com/230906895/Product.aspx?source=14798

That said, I doubt any shops sell it.. but it's not far fetched to imagine finding a camera and film at a car boot sale or something, is it?

And Matthew there are some right nutters come on here, specially in critique so I wouldn't be posting your phone number if I were you! ;)

Quote: Marc P @ April 19 2010, 1:39 PM BST

And Matthew there are some right nutters come on here,

You've made Bussell cry now. Angry

Polaroid stopped making the film in 2008 so it's just remaining stock now and therefore costs loads. I see in the Amazon link they're charging £70 - that's £7 a photo. I'm just being pedantic, but if your script was ever to be made could the props department get hold of the film?

I agree with the dollster there's no point making things needlessly tricky for yourself, people can take a snap on a digital phone and immediately hold up the image.

A character used a Polaroid camera in Run Fat Boy Run, which I saw for the first time at the weekend, and it really annoyed me. I don't know why she didn't use a digital or mobile camera like everyone else.

Incidentally I own two Polaroid cameras with original packaging and waiting for them to become collectibles.

If I had a polaroid camera, I'd make the effort to find the film and use it - they have an undeniable charm about them that camera phones totally lack - the fact that it develops the picture and you can hold it seconds after taking it, the sound they make, the look and feel of the pictures - that classic border..

BUT

If we're talking about a production company reading it, would the inclusion of the polaroid camera and its inherent costs, be an issue? This is something I hadn't thought about..

"And Matthew there are some right nutters come on here, specially in critique so I wouldn't be posting your phone number if I were you!"

Tits! I totally forgot I put that on there...changed them now :)

See ... I am a good editor! :)

Quote: Marc P @ April 19 2010, 2:07 PM BST

See ... I am a good editor! :)

Indeed. You also look a bit like Giles from Buffy, if your AV is anything to go by... Rolling eyes

More like Giles from the allotment probably.

Quote: maffew @ April 19 2010, 2:01 PM BST

If I had a polaroid camera, I'd make the effort to find the film and use it - they have an undeniable charm about them that camera phones totally lack - the fact that it develops the picture and you can hold it seconds after taking it, the sound they make, the look and feel of the pictures - that classic border..

Then you're obviously very wealthy. Is your character? ;)

Quote: maffew @ April 19 2010, 2:01 PM BST

If we're talking about a production company reading it, would the inclusion of the polaroid camera and its inherent costs, be an issue? This is something I hadn't thought about..

No, it's not a big issue and could easily be changed. I was just being pedantic. But (and sorry I haven't read the whole script) there must be a point to her having that particular camera to warrant its mention. If it's a character point, then there may be more obvious ways of getting her personality across.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ April 19 2010, 2:14 PM BST

Then you're obviously very wealthy. Is your character? ;)

No, it's not a big issue and could easily be changed. I was just being pedantic. But (and sorry I haven't read the whole script) there must be a point to her having that particular camera to warrant its mention. If it's a character point, then there may be more obvious ways of getting her personality across.

I'm not wealthy at all, I only work part time AND live in London - so I have precisely no money at all! But Polaroid film off eBay is only fetching 20-odd quid, I reckon Ellie could afford that.. Even so, I might get rid of it.. it just seemed like a nice thing for her to have, along with her clunky typewriter..we've got rather side tracked..

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