maffew
Sunday 18th April 2010 9:02pm [Edited]
72 posts
Quote: SlagA @ April 18 2010, 9:41 PM BST
All exposition should be concealed, rather than whittled down.
Take a look at the (yes, everyone knows what I'm going to say...) Frasier pilot. Opening scene clearly and quickly establishes the nature and tone of the brothers' relationship; their foibles (Niles' hygiene fetish, chair wiping, etc); the premise (Frasier's dream of his new life is to disrupted by his old ties - he's lumbered with his dad, a kooky live-in maid, and competitiveness with his brother is back stronger than ever). All this is set up in a masterclass of hit-the-ground-running writing with gags banging in and driving plot from the off.
I watch it regularly just for the Wow! factor.
It is amazing - Frasier is spectacularly written (by, I imagine a group of very talented writers) but it's also very different (and much better) than what I'm writing. that's not to say your advice isn't good, I watched a lot of sitcoms while writing this to try and get a feel of where things should go, and I'm still fiddling with it all.. I'll try and get the concept in earlier.. in fact, it might be better to have them do something at the end of the episode and get the concept out of the way in the earlier scenes..maybe they could get robbed in the middle instead of the end, and spend the rest of the episode trying to catch the thief?
thought I'd try getting rid of the first scene and sticking something totally different in there..Think maybe the bit with the trousers is a little obvious, but I think it's alright?
FADE IN
PLAYGROUND - MORNING
Children come running through the school gates making noise and shouting.
CLOSE UP
DAN YOUNG (26) His eyes open, saliva has dried around his mouth. We pull back - he is underneath a jungle gym, which kids have started climbing on and banging noisily.
Dan sits up quickly and children reach through the bars and pull his hair and poke his face.
Several half empty cans of strong lager roll out from under him, and into the hands of the playing children.
Dan, still dazed pats himself down and finds his packet of cigarettes in his jacket pocket, pops one in his mouth and lights it.
DAN
You know what?
SMALL CHILD
What?
DAN
Don't bother with women. They'll f**k you around and use you and before you know it... You're sat under a jungle gym talking to little kids. Do you have a girlfriend?
He offers the child a cigarette. But takes them back before the child can decide.
SMALL CHILD
No, girls smell!
DAN
Exactly. Don't you ever forget that, either. Girls do smell.
SMALL CHILD
Of poo and wee!
DAN
Spot on, matey - just keep that up, you'll live a long and happy life. Trust me.
The child laughs and pulls Dans hair.
SMALL CHILD
What's wrong with you?
DAN
How long have you got?
A TEACHER comes out into the playground ringing a bell and calling for the children.
DAN
Shit!
The teacher sees the children holding beer and Dan smoking under the jungle gym.
TEACHER
Excuse me? Excuse me!
Dan turns around.
DAN
Hi - don't mind me, we're just... Having a chat - I got dumped last night.
TEACHER
Where are your trousers?
Dan isn't wearing any trousers.
DAN
On the slide, I think. Should I? ...I'll go get them.
(to the child)
Thanks mate - good talk.
SMALL CHILD
Bye!