British Comedy Guide

A Matter of Principle Audiobook

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Back in December/January I wrote a thirty minute monologue called A Matter of Principle and since then have been developing the script for a filmed version, radio version and stage version. Recently I adapted the script into a short story for me to turn into a audiobook adaptation read by myself. There are twelve chapters in all and I have just released chapter one.

Below you will find the link to watch the video as well as the script.

A Matter of Principle - Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

Silence fills the late afternoon air as the sun sets in the distance in an almost picture perfect park, casting an orangey glow upon the weary worn out frame of Clive Dundhill a man in his early fifties wearing a pair of spectacles, a blue bobbled woolly hat and a well worn dark blue cardigan as he painstakingly strolls towards a park bench and sits himself gently down. Clive has a beard tinged with the occasion speckle of grey and is wearing a pair of holey gloves that are well past their prime much like the occupant of the gloves. Clive begins to survey the park which is in pristine condition with an assortment of flowers taking pride of place behind the rickety park bench that Clive now occupies. "It's a relief to sit down really" says Clive who is clearly fatigued from his days work. Clive then catches his breath and utters "I've just finished the lawn. That shouldn't need doing for another week or two. I'll properly head off in a minute. Done all I can this week." A self-satisfied grin appears across his face. "The place is looking champion though. Done myself proud as always." Clive proclaims as he gazes upon the greenery of the park and then begins to speak once more "It's weird to think I've been here ten years. I wonder if they'll put on any sort of 'do' for me?" Clive begins to enjoy the idea for a split second before reacting in mock annoyance "Oh! I can't be doing with all that. Surprise party. No thank you." The very idea seems to sit well with Clive even though he would never admit to it. "I wonder if they will though?" says Clive as he contemplates to himself then is incensed by the blatant disregard for his work. "Argh! No. There's a kid over there, he's left his litter on the lawn. I'll pick that up before I go." Clive exclaims more in frustration then anything. "Can't they see there're bins? They're not just there to look at you know." Clive pauses and wistfully shakes his head. "They need to be taught. There's people employed to go around picking this stuff up, we've got better things to do with our time. I've got to attend to the lawns, water the plants..." He seems to tail of and sighs then continues his attack on society today. "No respect nowadays. Back in my day, there were. It's the parents you see. Too lazy. All these go back to work as soon as they're born parents, you know. They used to call them yuppies. Don't know what they call them now." Clive stares into the middle distance seemingly thoughtfully contemplating the down fall of British manners and respectability then he mummers "Wonder what I'll have tonight? Might do that steak and kidney. I like that steak and kidney. You can rely on it." A smile warms up his usual sour disposition and all seems to be right with the world once again.

Very good. You've had my comments in email re: the script.

Only point I'd make is the plosive Ps and Bs are distracting. I'd get a pop screen between you and the mic, or place the mic further away or below the line of your mouth so that the main force of the plosives misses the mic. Personally, a pop screen is the way to go.

Get an old wire hanger, pull it into a square shape, pull a pair of tights over it and knot it tight. Hold the pop screen between you and the mic. After recording, you can then go straight out and raid the local post office.
:)

Quote: SlagA @ April 16 2010, 7:59 PM BST

Very good. You've had my comments in email re: the script.

Only point I'd make is the plosive Ps and Bs are distracting. I'd get a pop screen between you and the mic, or place the mic further away or below the line of your mouth so that the main force of the plosives misses the mic. Personally, a pop screen is the way to go.

Get an old wire hanger, pull it into a square shape, pull a pair of tights over it and knot it tight. Hold the pop screen between you and the mic. After recording, you can then go straight out and raid the local post office.
:)

:) Thanks. A pop screen is going to be my next purchase as Marc P has already suggested it to me. Thanks for your help though.

I did record a alterative version which didn't seem to flow as well but I did use a few of the suggestions you gave me.

Thanks for all your feedback through emails and on here. My plan is to do adapt a chapter at a time and then any of you (and a few of you have already shown a interest) can script edit and make any small amendments that need to be made. I'm very happy with the first chapter in terms of content and sound and although there are a few minor tweaks that could be made to it, in my opinion it's nothing that will change the story that much although saying that I am willing (and already have) record alterative version based on your feedback. I have already adapted the whole script into novel form albeit in a rough form apart from chapter one and two. If I post chapter two here soon then you can suggest any amendments before I record the next chapter.

Without getting into the script itself, can I make some technical points?

First off, you can make your own pop screen with a bit of nylon and a coat hanger. Secondly, the whole thing is way too quiet and that musical intro goes on far too long. More importantly, you need to work on varying your voice to match the project you're working on. This is a sombre narrative piece but you read it like you're presenting a holiday show on BBC 2.

Quote: David Bussell @ April 19 2010, 5:07 PM BST

Without getting into the script itself, can I make some technical points?

First off, you can make your own pop screen with a bit of nylon and a coat hanger. Secondly, the whole thing is way too quiet and that musical intro goes on far too long. More importantly, you need to work on varying your voice to match the project you're working on. This is a sombre narrative piece but you read it like you're presenting a holiday show on BBC 2.

I will be using a pop screen for the rest of the chapters and thanks for the suggestion. The music intro is no longer then it should be for a audiobook especially the ones I have listened to. Listening to it on YouTube it will feel long but if you listen to a audiobook with some headphones in the night as I do then it's just right. I know the Red Dwarf audiobook intro quite long and although it's not a audiobook the After Henry radio version intro follows on in a similar vain.

First of all it isn't a completely sombre piece. Yes it has pathos and tragedy in it but it is a comic monologue with quite a upbeat moral end to it rather then the norm which sees there characters fall deeper and deeper in to despair, my does but it does take some unexpected twists throughout and make rethinking your original thoughts about the characters. Thanks for your comments and I hope you enjoy chapter two and give your feedback on that. The more the better :)

It's all a question of proportion re Music. A book length is around the ninety thousand words mark, running longer than three hours if an audiobook. Yours I am guessing will be much much shorter, so you should cut to the chase as David suggests a lot quicker. It's the content that counts not the wrapper with audio. Hook em quick and stick your barbed spear in.

Listening to it, I found a lot of the description distracting and ruined the flow. I know you'll say this is supposed to be like your reading from a book, or whatever, but it would work a hundred times better if you just performed the dialogue.

Quote: Marc P @ April 24 2010, 4:49 PM BST

It's all a question of proportion re Music. A book length is around the ninety thousand words mark, running longer than three hours if an audiobook. Yours I am guessing will be much much shorter, so you should cut to the chase as David suggests a lot quicker. It's the content that counts not the wrapper with audio. Hook em quick and stick your barbed spear in.

Your so right Marc it is all down to proportion. Mine's about fifteen thousand words and so will run for around a hour as audiobook. I take your point about it's the content that counts but I quite like the music myself and it's speed as it's only 40 seconds in length though I think it could be at the shortest 20 maybe 30.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ April 24 2010, 4:51 PM BST

Listening to it, I found a lot of the description distracting and ruined the flow. I know you'll say this is supposed to be like your reading from a book, or whatever, but it would work a hundred times better if you just performed the dialogue.

I totally get what you mean and that is my plan. I have already written the radio and TV version and am at the moment trying to cast Clive as I wouldn't want to play him myself. I just found doing it this way a way of getting the material out there and attempting a medium I very much enjoy myself. When the radio version is made I hope you will enjoy it :)

Yep but as David and Marc say, yours is not yet an audiobook with its captive market. It's getting posted on YouTube so be canny and cut your cloth to the medium it's in. YouTube - shorter grab time, so have a very short intro. When it comes to an audiobook version, that's the proper time to edit in the longer opening.

Although you have clear objectives as to the finished product, don't let it blind you to the media in which people will encounter it.

Quote: SlagA @ April 24 2010, 5:04 PM BST

Yep but as David and Marc say, yours is not yet an audiobook with its captive market. It's getting posted on YouTube so be canny and cut your cloth to the medium it's in. YouTube - shorter grab time, so have a very short intro. When it comes to an audiobook version, that's the proper time to edit in the longer opening.

Although you have clear objectives as to the finished product, don't let it blind you to the media in which people will encounter it.

Your very right as always. It is something which is not a YouTube, quick and easy thing to listen to and I expect a fair amount of people listen to it will say that. A good thing to do will be when all of the chapters are up on YouTube I will make a unabridged version with a long intro on someone like Vimeo for those who want it or even a mp3 available from my site and for YouTube make a 10/15 minute compilation of the core of the story with a short intro.

By the way I'll be putting up the script of chapter two soon so those who want to help script edit before I record the next chapter can do so. Thanks for all your help so far and that goes from everyone :D

After a certain amount of time and help from several script editors I have finally completed chapter two of my short novel which I am reading as a audiobook.

Update 21/07/10 - I've now recorded it as a audiobook and would appreciate all feedback.

A Matter of Principle - Chapter Two

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CHAPTER TWO

Several weeks have passed since the relative calm of the late Summer evenings. And though there had been a nip in the air back then it could not be compared to the start of what would turn out to be a frosty Autumn. Frosty indeed in more ways than one for Clive Dundhill.

Clive took respite from the chilly weather inside a small, wooden summer hut which had a roof but only just. Enough to keep the rain out at least and the biting wind. It was like an old cricket pavilion only smaller and when mid-afternoon arrived it only meant one thing to Clive. Lunch time. And the hut was a perfect spot for a good sit down and a bite to eat. Unfortunately for Clive, Autumn had arrived with a vengeance. A flurry of leaves constantly danced in the air, circling the pavilion and the feeling of the damp and cold prevailed even inside it. Clive lent up against the small wooden frame of the pavilion with his rake proudly prompt up beside him watching the dancing leaves with an air of resigned gloom. The start of Autumn always meant more work for him. "Winter's always difficult in my line." He despondently proclaimed as he unwrapped his cheese and pickle sandwich. "A never ending pile of leaves to shovel up. Mess. Mess. Mess." He scowled and took a bite of his sarnie. "Don't get me wrong - Mother Nature may have many suitors but I am one of them. I love nature and I love Autumn but what I don't like is leaves blocking up drains!" He gestured with his half eaten sandwich to emphasise his point. "It's the busiest season for me as it is." He took another bite chewing over the cheese even as he chewed over his thoughts. "The park looks quite sparse at the moment with the lack of foliage. Lack of it on the trees at least. Take that one over there now" he gestured proudly to a bare tree in the distance with thoughts of it in blossom filling his mind with a joyous gleaming pride of the years of care and consideration he has given it. "That one when it's in full bloom in the Summer, Aye! It's champion. But where are the leaves now? I'll tell you were they are cluttering up the park and blocking up the drains."

Clive chomped morosely on his sandwich and poured himself a cup of tea from his trusty old vacuum flask. He took a sip but his frown deepened and he put the cup down agitated by his thoughts. "This new boss, Mr. Wexford he's called" he said dismissively. "Don't know his first name, he doesn't like to get personal, he says. Fine!" He said, spitting out the word, his expression indicating that it was in fact anything but. Clive Dundhill prided himself on being a good judge of character and made his mind up about a person almost instantly, sometimes before that person even so much as uttered a single word. Though Clive had kept his true feelings relativity hidden, he didn't like to judge someone too harshly even if he was the type of pen pushing official Clive has always tried his level best to avoid. If possible his frown deepened further as he cast his mind back to the first fateful meeting when Mr. Wexford demonstrated how apt he was in the skill of talking down to someone with out any one else in the room noticing. A skill Clive would have almost admired if it wasn't being practiced on him. "He gave a team talk the other day" he said waving the remains of his sandwich in the air. "I thought hello, we're not at the football. I don't know who he thinks he is but..." Clive trailed off chuckling to himself like he's got one over on the man already. "Said to me that he wanted to discuss team morale if you please!" He snorted at the idea of it. "Well, it's never been a problem before, no-one's ever brought it up before. That's half the trouble I think. People are not aware of team morale and all this stuff. It's only when it's brought up and scrutinized. Then you start realizing. Then the problems start to occur, people get singled out..." Clive took a moment to compose himself "We had to play a team building game if you can believe it. I said to him, I said. 'I've got the leaves to do out there'. I said 'there's half a dozen drains blocked up. I said 'they won't do themselves you know'. He said 'Clive' and I thought 'who's getting personal now. It's Mr. Dundhill to you'. He said 'Clive, you've got to learn to co-operate within a team'. I said... no I don't! I said I know Caroline and I know Steve and George over there. I get along but in my area ... there's no call for it I said. I don't need to co-operate, I'm friendly..." He said then remembers being interrupted "well... That's exactly your problem, you think you're friendly, you're not'. I said 'I am. How do you know, you've only just got here'. And what does he say to me? "He said 'I can tell by your aura'." I said 'what aura's this? Aura in bloody deed!'" Clive chuckled at the memory of it. "Well, he was like mystic bloody Meg over there. I thought, aura. I'm a bloody gardener! I don't need to know what my aura is. He's sticking his aura in and that's what I think of it all." Clive sit's and waits, not a word is uttered, a sense of real exasperation fills the air like the fumes of bonfire wafting over to a once clean and sterile area once occupied only by the pure blue skies and fresh and unpolluted air. And then like a phoenix from the flames Clive once more comes to life "He said 'Clive, would you help the team build a little raft out of foam building blocks?' I said 'what's the point!' He said 'it's all team building. See how you work together. I'll be watching'. So, I went over, you know and I picked up the odd bit of this foam rubbish. Well I don't know where he gets his ideas from..." Clive took another sip of his tea. "He's properly one of those. On the old Duke of Edinburgh, you know. It's all scouts. And he thinks he can bring it in here." Clive slammed his tin cup back on the floor of the pavilion porch again. "Well we're not kiddies for God's sake. And after a while he said 'lets have a look at what you have done'." Clive purses his lips and utters disappointingly "ooh! He weren't happy. I said what's wrong with it? It's built isn't it? He said 'yes but that's not the point'. I said 'why did you set it then? Why ask us to build the blasted thing and then say that's not the point!' He said it was all about the way you communicate." Clive scowled again as though the word left a nasty taste in his mouth. "I said, 'the way we commune.. If we build it, we build it, we don't need to communicate.' I said 'there's civil words between us and there's no nastiness here'. And he said 'well there isn't Clive because you're raising your voice'. I said 'I am not raising my voice!'" Said Clive doing just that and causing a blackbird to startle up in the air his wings flapping. "He said 'Clive can you please calm down, take a seat'. I said 'you don't need to tell me to take a seat. It's you who's setting me off'. He said 'well that's all communication and your getting it wrong Clive. No one else is arguing'. And I said that's because you're not talking to anyone else, you're not picking on anyone else apart from me'. And he said 'I'm not picking on anyone Clive. You can't go around accusing people'. Which is rich seeing as it was him as was picking fights with me. So I stayed out of it. I sat there. Watching him talk. He looked at me from time to time especially when he was talking about people not being part of a team. He saying about going down the pub one day. I said 'when?' He said 'in the evening'. I said 'I don't work then so I won't be coming in'." Clive chuckled remembering his small victory. "'It will be bonding.' He says. I said 'how's that going to help me? How's that gonna help me mow a lawn?' 'So he says what about lunchtime then'. So I got me sarnies out. I thought I'm having lunch now before he takes that away from me." He pulled his second sandwich from his Tupperware box as if to illustrate the point. "He didn't like it but you know... He can lump it!"

"Bonding." Clive said again reliving the memory. "How's that going to help me mow a lawn. He didn't have an answer to that, did he? No. He said 'Well, we'll have to have words about this in the next review of you'. I said 'I don't need a review, I am not a play'. He didn't have anything to say to that either. I walked out. Lunchtime. I know my rights!" And with that Clive set about exercising his rights, finishing his sandwich, his cup of tea and casting a critical eye over the swirling leaves that continued to rustle and dance around his pavilion.

James, did you just edit your post to bump it up the list? Whistling nnocently

Quote: Badge @ July 21 2010, 11:06 PM BST

James, did you just edit your post to bump it up the list? Whistling nnocently

No I edited my post to add the video.

Quote: James Cotter @ July 21 2010, 11:08 PM BST

No I edited my post to add the video.

Oh, okay. Cos to bump it you only have to ask. ;)

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