Scene 1. Ext. Day. A bus-stop.
WE SEE BERNARD - A SHY, RETIRING, MIDDLE-AGED MAN WITH FLAT, POSSIBLY GREASY HAIR AND A LARGE PAIR OF GLASSES. HE IS DRESSED ALMOST ENTIRELY IN BEIGE - IN A FLEECE AND A PAIR OF TROUSERS AND IS WAITING AT A BUS-STOP AS IS AN ELDERLY WOMAN. A BUS ARRIVES AND HE INITIALLY MOVES TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE BUT STOPS, SMILES, RAISES HIS INDEX FINGER AS IF TO REPRIMAND HIMSELF AND STEPS ASIDE TO ALLOW THE ELDERLY WOMAN TO BOARD THE BUS FIRST.
Bernard: (WITH A SMILE) After you!
WITH AN INCREDULOUS EXPRESSION ON HER FACE, SHE SLAPS HIM.
Elderly Woman: (OFFENDED) How dare you patronize me like that! What do you think I am, a child?! In my day, we respected our elders!
SHE BOARDS THE BUS WHILE BERNARD RUBS HIS CHEEK.
Bernard: (CONSOLING HIMSELF) Well... that's alright. After all, manners cost nothing, do they?
HE BOARDS THE BUS AND IT LEAVES.
Scene 2. Int. Day. A supermarket entrance.
BERNARD APPROACHES THE SUPERMARKET'S SLIDING DOORS. JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO WALK IN, A WOMAN WITH A PRAM AND TWO CHILDREN APPROACH THE DOORS SO HE STOPS AND STEPS ASIDE TO LET THEM THROUGH.
Woman: Thanks ever so much.
Bernard: (SMILING) Oh, don't mention it. (BENDS DOWN TO TALK TO CHILDREN) Common decency - eh, kids?
ONE OF THE CHILDREN SPITS ON HIS GLASSES.
Woman: (SHOCKED) Jack/Jane!!! (TO BERNARD) I'm so, so sorry! I've no idea why - (TO CHILD) Jack/Jane, how could you?!! Especially when this man was nice enough to let us go first!
Bernard: (WIPING OFF SPIT WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF) That's alright....after all, manners cost nothing, do they?
Scene 3. Int. Day. A supermarket.
BERNARD WALKS ALONG AN AISLE WITH A SHOPPING BASKET, LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. HE FINALLY FINDS WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR AND REACHES FOR THE LAST JAR OF JAM ON A SHELF. JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO PICK IT UP, HE NOTICES ANOTHER PERSON'S HAND EQUALLY AS CLOSE TO THE JAR. IT TURNS OUT TO BE AN ELDERLY MAN WITH A TROLLEY - BERNARD CHEERFULLY GESTURES FOR HIM TO TAKE THE JAR.
Elderly Man: (LOUDLY) Well?!! Are you sticking that damn thing in the blasted trolley or not?!! I haven't got all day, you know!
BERNARD'S SMILE IS IMMEDIATELY WIPED OFF HIS FACE BUT HE GRUDGINGLY PLACES THE JAR IN THE ELDERLY MAN'S TROLLEY
Bernard: (RESENTFULLY) No problem, sir. After all, manners cost nothing, do they?
AS THE ELDERLY MAN LEAVES, ONE OF HIS TROLLEY'S WHEELS RUNS OVER BERNARD'S TOES, CAUSING BERNARD TO FALL TO THE FLOOR, CLUTCHING HIS FOOT WHILE SCREAMING IN AGONY.
Scene 4. Int. Day. A supermarket.
BERNARD LIMPS TOWARDS THE END OF A SUPERMARKET QUEUE AT THE SAME TIME AS A WOMAN WITH A SHOPPING BASKET. SHE HESITATES SO HE GESTURES FOR HER TO JOIN THE QUEUE BEFORE HIM.
Bernard: (EXASPERATED BUT COURTEOUS) Ladies first.
Woman : Thanks so much.
SHE IS JOINED BY A PERSON LUGGING A LARGE, OVERFLOWING TROLLEY AND THEY TAKE A PLACE IN THE QUEUE BEFORE BERNARD.
Bernard: (SIGHING TO HIMSELF) Well...that's alright. After all, manners cost nothing, do they?
HE TOO JOINS THE QUEUE. WHILE HE'S WAITING, A MAN, CARRYING A SINGLE BOTTLE OF MILK, APPROACHES BERNARD.
Man: (VERY POLITELY TO BERNARD) Umm...excuse me, mate...Sorry, would it be terribly rude of me to ask if I could go before you? It's just that I'm in a bit of a rush and I've only got the one bottle so -
Bernard: (EXPLODING) OH, I SEE! IN A BIT OF A RUSH, ARE WE?!! (PEOPLE IN THE QUEUE START STARING AT HIM) IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY TO BOTHER ABOUT ANYONE ELSE, ARE WE?!! TOO BUSY TO REALIZE WE'VE ALL GOT LIVES OF OUR OWN, ARE WE?!! (EVERYONE IN THE SUPERMARKET IS NOW STARING AT HIM) WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR BLOODY BOTTLE, 'MATE'! YOU CAN STICK IT UP YOUR (HIS WORDS ARE BLEEPED OUT) AND THEN YOU CAN (WORDS BLEEPED OUT AGAIN AND WE SEE A WOMAN COVERING HER CHILD'S EARS) TILL YOUR SORRY ARSE IS (WORDS BLEEPED OUT AGAIN)!!!
MILK-BOTTLE MAN SIMPLY WEARS A SHOCKED EXPRESSION. EVENTUALLY, BERNARD REALIZES EVERYONE IS STARING AT HIM
Bernard: (TO EVERYONE) What?!... What?!!!... WHAT?!!! (IN A SUBDUED TONE) After all...manners cost nothing, do they?
END
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