Skit comp failure

Seems like the done thing, so I'm posting this reject up. Be brutal, guys.

INT. TV STUDIO. NIGHT

SPORTS COMMENTATOR (DICK) IS INTERVIEWING A DOCTOR SITTING ON A COUCH IN THE STUDIO

DICK (SHOCKED)
...I'm sorry, just explain to our viewers one more time. You've - REMOVED Rooney's right leg?

DOCTOR
Yes.

DICK (DISBELIEF)
What, like - removed, as in, amputated?

DOCTOR
I'm afraid so. The accident was so bad that his pelvis was shattered. It was the only course open to us.

DICK PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

DICK (UNDER HIS BREATH)
England's injury curse strikes a-bloody-gain! (BREATHING DEEPLY, TRYING TO RECOVER) Okay, okay. Let's all calm down here. So, how long before he can be up and about again on his feet... er, foot.

DOCTOR
Difficult to say... perhaps a month or so with the right care and rehabilitation, he-

DICK (BRIGHTENING)
So, you're not ruling him out of the World Cup completely, then?

DOCTOR
Pardon?

DICK (WARMING TO HIS THEME)
Well, there are around 90 days left before the Cup starts. (WRITING CALCULATIONS ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND) Say he was hopping about a bit after 5 weeks - that's 35 days? There's no reason to say he couldn't learn how to play, one-footed, in the following... well... month or so?

DOCTOR
That's ridiculous.

DICK
Okay, point taken - you're saying more like a month and a half, then? 42 plus 35 still gives us what... 13 days left to achieve match fitness?

DOCTOR
Richard...

DICK
Call me Dick.

DOCTOR
That's very candid of you. But you don't understand - Rooney's whole body is a mess. Neither he, nor his left leg, will ever play football again. Do you understand? Am I making myself clear?

DICK PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AGAIN AND SOBS PATHETICALLY

DICK
Jesus Christ - bloody fated... (SUDDENLY SEEING A GLIMMER OF HOPE) Hold on: 'Rooney and his left leg'?

DOCTOR
Pardon?

DICK
You didn't say anything about his right leg, did you!

DOCTOR (FROWNING)
What?

DICK
Rooney's got more talent in his right foot than the rest of the England team put together. Surely with today's technology-

THE DOCTOR SEEMS PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. HE TAKES A LARGE BLACK BAG FROM BESIDE THE INTERVIEW COUCH AND OPENS IT TO REVEAL ROONEY'S SEVERED RIGHT LEG., WHICH TWITCHES FURIOUSLY

DOCTOR
In close consultation with doctors in Germany, Switzerland and America, and with the blessing of Fabio, Sir Alex and his Holiness the Pope... we have managed to keep Rooney's right leg alive and with all its faculties intact.

DICK JUMPS UP AND KISSES THE DOCTOR ON HIS FOREHEAD

DICK
Result! You're a genius. So, the dream is still on - football's coming home! Yee-ee-ees!

DOCTOR
Um, there is still one slight problem.

DICK
Problem? We have the most famous, skilful limb in England ready to do battle and single-leggedly bring the World Cup home for us! What could be wrong?

DOCTOR (SIGHS)
I'm afraid... a scan has revealed it's got a fracture of the 4th metatarsal.

DICK COLLAPSES TO HIS KNEES AND BURIES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AGAIN

DICK
Fuuuuuuuck!

I like the idea of the reanimated leg, as it hints at the idea that Rooney's brain isn't necessary for him to play football. And the line 'single-leggedly' is great.

I did enjoy this one.
It's got some funny lines
It's off the wall but maintains it's logic, and it has a nice pay off.
Unlucky not to get a few more votes.

Thanks guys.

It's strange - when I wrote it I thought this one was better than others I've done that performed well in the skit comp.

I'd really like to hear from someone who thought it was crap... mainly because I no longer like it and can't work out why.

It's a bit surreal, but a couple of things that didn't add up for me:

I wonder if his pelvis was crushed wouldn't both legs be affected? (Where's Tim when you need his doctorly advice?)

Also, I wondered if his left leg was amputated instead, it would still leave him with the magical right foot and the high expectations...

It did remind of 'I've nothing against your right leg, but neither do you'. Sorry! I know it's nothing like it, but Pete and Dud kept popping into my mind.

Hope that helps.

Thanks Angie,

The crushed pelvis bit ruining both legs I hadn't thought about (oops) but the amputation of the lesser skilled leg I did originally have. However, I thought the escalation of dispensing with Rooney would make the sketch better.

Agree about Pete and Dud - bastards

I didn't dislike this one Kasm, but personally I have no interest in football, footballers, or their health. So although I appreciate the sketch in it's own way, couldn't really enjoy as much as others. Would also echo Sunshine's thoughts on being unlucky vote wise.

Hi Kasm,

I've only recently returned to the forum and I've liked loads of your stuff. I didn't go for this one personally and I think it's because , for me, it was a little predictable.

Beginning was fine. The joke at the start - the commentator sad for England rather than Rooney is a good one but from then on nothing seemed to better that.

I may be being wildly unfair - but I know what you mean about trying to put your finger on something that may not feel quite right.

That sounds far ruder than I imagined.

Hehe, I like this one. Dick's (*snigger*) desperation does it for me.

Perhaps they could have grafted the leg on to Crouch?

Thanks for the input guys.

Rick, I hadn't even thought about the first part being particularly funny - I guess I was just focussing on how it could build. As far as the predictability is concerned, I think you're right and that's perhaps what I don't like about the whole thing.

ShoePie - nice suggestion. That's maybe where I should have been heading with it, creating some sort of footballing monster (although that's probably what Rooney is anyway ).

Scratch, no probs matey. Football is the great divider - and even when a gropu of people like football then they probably hate each other!