Seeing Eye - Radio Sketch

FX TRAFFIC - FOLLOWED BY A SQUEAL OF BRAKES.

IAN

Whoa, whoa - the green man isn't showing!

COLIN

Isn't it? Damn. Thanks for that. Never rely on the sight of animals, young man. If your vision ever goes, get a stick with spikes on it or something.

IAN

Oh, so that's a...

COLIN

Don't tell me. You were expecting a dog?

IAN

Well, yes.

COLIN

Ah, but your dog only has a decade of mileage in it. This donkey has twice that, and then some.

IAN

Donkey?

COLIN

Yes. You can ride them too. To be fair you can ride a Labrador, but the old ladies seem to take offence.

IAN

So you thought you'd opt for a donkey?

COLIN

Well, I've tried a number of animals really. Little tip - never go for anything too small. I used to use a hamster, until the cat raped it.

IAN

But...

COLIN

I heard everything.

IAN

But that's not a donkey.

DONKEY

(whispering) Quiet!

COLIN

What's that down there?

IAN

Er...

DONKEY

(whispering) Don't you bloody dare.

IAN

What's going on? Why are you giving him a piggy back? Is that a saddle?

DONKEY

I backed over his donkey.

IAN

Ah.

DONKEY

He loved that thing - and where do you find a replacement donkey? No, It's the best way.

IAN

Well, how's he falling for it?

DONKEY

He's blind.

IAN

Yeah, I know that. But surely he must be able to feel that you're the wrong shape.

DONKEY

Nope. I bite his hand. He doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

IAN

I bet you use that all the time.

DONKEY

Perk of the job.

FX BEEPING OF PELICAN CROSSING

COLIN

Ah, damn, hurry up, David's coming. Thanks again.

DONKEY

Cheerio.

IAN

Who's David?

F/X An elephant's trumpet.

DAVID

What ho, down there! You haven't seen a blind man pass this way?

IAN

You're blind.

DAVID

I know. No, another one, riding a man he thinks is a donkey?

IAN

But this elephant...

Elephant

Not a bloody word...

I like the premise and the sketch starts fine (though I think you could come up with a more pertinent reason for not having small animals than cross-species rape), but after the reveal it drags on a bit, and I am not sure the escalation really works as an ending.

I really like the idea of someone trying to replace a guide dog after accidentally killing it. The sketch as it stands seems to waver a little and the lack of exposition meant that it took me a while to understand what was going on, but that could be me being stupid in all likelyhood. Would really like to see a re write of this as I think it's a top idea.

I thought the initial idea was great & It was funny.And then I got a bit lost & confused along the way,

Worth a rewrite IMO.

Cheers all - I'll give it a bash tomorrow. Any bit's you'd definitely scrap? I know Timbo doesn't like rape line?

To be honest
I'd keep it simple have the guy dressed up as a dog because he's killed the guys dog.
And see where that takes you.

And then use the other ideas for a different sketch along the same lines.

Cheers Steve, I appreciate it - I'll give it a go tomorrow and whack the results up here.

Think Steve is right, at the moment it is two ideas welded together: the man replacing the dog and the donkey replacing the dog.

Yep - sage counsel - I'll get on it - ta again