EXT. DAY. ROAD.
A NUMBER OF MEN IN SUITS AND BLACK TIES STAND OUTSIDE A HOUSE. A POLICEMAN APPEARS AND RINGS THE FRONT DOOR BELL. A WOMAN ANSWERS.
WOMAN:
You're too late, he's already dead.
COP:
No madam, I've got some more bad news. The local undertaker has just crashed the hearse, it's a total write-off.
WOMAN: (sobbing)
The ceremony is due at the crematorium in an hour, what can I do?
COP:
You have two options. Number one, all the mourners form a human chain and pass the coffin between them but looking at the paltry turn out at your dead husband's funeral, that's not feasible.
WOMAN:
And number two?
CAMERA ZOOMS QUICKLY INTO COP'S FACE.
COP:
Call Superundertakerman.
COP PRODUCES CARD AND GIVES IT TO WOMAN. WOMAN MAKES PHONECALL. CUT TO MAN HOLDING A PHONE. HE IS DRESSED AS AN UNDERTAKER BUT HAS AN 'S' STUCK TO HIS FRONT MADE OUT OF BROWN MASKING TAPE.
SUPERUNDERTAKERMAN:
So just the hearse then? no casket or embalming fluid, that should be no problem. Well, you're ten minutes away, I'll be there in twelve.
SUPERUNDERTAKERMAN IS NOW IN A QUEUE AT AN ICE CREAM VAN, WHEN IT'S HIS TURN TO BE SERVED HE PULLS THE ICE CREAM SELLER OUT OF HIS VAN AND HIJACKS IT. HE THEN STOPS AT A SHOP, GOES IN AND COMES OUT WITH BLACK BIN LINERS WHICH HE COVERS THE ICE CREAM VAN WITH AND STICKS THEM ON USING BROWN MASKING TAPE.
CUT TO MAKESHIFT HEARSE PULLING UP AT CREMATORIUM WITH COFFIN HANGING OUT OF IT.
WOMAN:
Oh Superundertakerman, you've turned a potential funeral-related crisis into a sublime cortege and you've also dished out free 99's to the half a dozen or so mourners.
SUPERUNDERTAKERMAN:
No trouble at all lady, and hey, I cover sea burials, extremist Islamic stonings, the whole gamut of bereavement for all colours and creeds so pass the word. (PAUSE) That'll be eight grand please.
My skit comp entry, for my sins.