Priest

A PRIEST WALKING THROUGH HIS CHURCH

VO
Father Brian is perhaps the last of his kind.

PRIEST OPENS A DOOR AND LOOKS SHOCKED

PRIEST
Put your clothes on boys it's choir practise in 5 mintues!

BOY1
We thought we'd get it out of the way.

BOY2
Do you think we're ugly?

VO
Father Brian is the last none paedophile priest in the Catholic church.

SCENE2
FATHER BRIAN IS DOING A BAPTISM

PRIEST
My he's a heavy boy.

SOUND OF METAL RATTLING

PRIEST
And a clanking boy?

MOTHER
Chastity nappy.

DAD
Better safe than sorry, no offence father.

SCENE3
FATHER BRIAN ENTERS HIS OFFICE TO SEE A MAN IN OVERALLS SMEARING A LIFE SIZE SCULPTURE OF MCCAULEY CALKIN MADE OUT OF CHEESE WITH PEANUT BUTTER.
THE SCULPTURE IS BALANCED ON A MOUSE TRAP

PRIEST
What the hell are you doing?

MAN
Alright chief social services had reports of an infestation of paedophile priests.

PRIEST
Get out!

THE BISHOPS WALKS IN HE HAS A MOUSE TRAP ON HIS GROIN

BISHOP
Faathaa Bwian Watch out for choir bwoys they're twapped.

PRIEST
I beg your pardon?

BISHOP OPENS HIS MOUTH HE HAS A MOUSE TRAP ON HIS TONGUE.

SCENE4
FATHER BRIAN WANDERS DISCONSALATELY DOWN THE STREET A WOMAN WITH A CLIPBOARD STOPS HIM

WOMAN
Father would you like to sign a petition to help cure cancer?

PRIEST
Yes of course.

HE SIGNS PETITION

WOMAN
With stem cells.

PRIEST
Oh bollocks.

HUNDREDS OF PRIESTS, BISHOPS, NUNS AND THAT IDIOT IN THE LABOUR PARTY RUN OUT AND DUFF UP FATHER BRIAN

CROWD OF BISHOPS ETC
Boo pervert, you sick bastard etc.

THE POPE MOBILE DRIVES UP AND THE POPE JOINS IN WITH AN EXTRA LONG STAFF FROM THE POPE MOBILE.

Based on something I saw on Southpark

Excellent! Unlike some of your stuff and could actually see this on Armstrong and Miller or somewhere.

The stem cell gag and the sudden violence is hilarious, but the standard's very high throughout.

Thanks.

But hey I thought you liked my shit.

I like everything you write more or less, but some of it would make a mainstream audience cry. This is more accessible.

Well written, funny though-out and a very nice ending. Two thumbs up

Quote: Godot Taxis @ April 4 2010, 2:51 AM BST

I like everything you write more or less, but some of it would make a mainstream audience cry. This is more accessible.

View original

True like Polpot I believe the mainstream are in need of reeducation!

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 4 2010, 2:55 AM BST

Well written, funny though-out and a very nice ending. Two thumbs up

View original

Thanks

Yep. This is one of those sketches that stays funny - there seems to be no filler in there. One of your best, squire. 'Chastity nappy' cracked me up.

Liked it as well sir, great stuff.

Good one.

Thanks

Ok it's off to news revue.

Excellentissimo says the Holy Papa... and I can't disagree with his opinion - he's infallible, after all.

Agree with the other Sooty. This is a killer sketch. My only niggle is that I can't imagine the Pope joining in the attack on the Father Brian as he seems to defend them more. Could he not pull over and offer him a lift to a new parish like in real life?

Father Biran isn't a paedo he accidentally supported stemcell research, the pervert.

Sorry my bad reading. In that case it's even better than I first thought.

( note to self; read carefully before commenting ).