Buboes, in my armpits (re-edit)

SCENE. A DOCTOR'S SURGERY, 1348.

THE DOCTOR IS AT HIS DESK, LOOKING AT SOME NOTES THROUGH HIS READING GLASSES. HE PICKS UP A SPEAKING TRUMPET.

DOCTOR
Jack the Carter to Surgery Four please.

JACK ENTERS.

DOCTOR
And how are we today?

JACK
Not so good, really. It's these buboes, in my armpits.

DOCTOR
Let's take a look. Oh, yes, those are nasty.

JACK
I've got them in my groin as well.

DOCTOR
Hmm, yes. I have been seeing a lot of these lately. There's something going round. I shouldn't worry about it.

JACK
Only I was a bit concerned because a colleague at work had the same thing.

DOCTOR
(NOT INTERESTED) Oh, yes?

JACK
And he died...

DOCTOR
Say "ah".

JACK
"ah" ...a couple of days later. And his wife. And all his family. And his neighbours. And the bloke who collects the nightsoil. And...

DOCTOR
Yes, it can be quite difficult to shake off. Take plenty of rest, and paint a red cross on your front door. Here, I'll write you out a scrip.

THE DOCTOR SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON A PAD AND TEARS OFF A SHEET.

DOCTOR
There you go, shinbone of St. Earconwald. Rub it on the infected parts three times a day. If there is no improvement I should give it four days.

JACK
And then come back and see you again?

DOCTOR
Well, I would suggest a mass of thanksgiving first.

JACK TURNS TO LEAVE, THEN HAS A FURTHER THOUGHT.

JACK
So should I make an appointment with the receptionist?

THE DOCTOR LOOKS AT HIM OVER HIS READING GLASSES, AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

DOCTOR
I shouldn't bother.

JACK LEAVES.

DOCTOR (CONT.)
I don't know - first sign of a sniffle and everyone comes to see their GP. Next.

A PATIENT ENTERS WITH A SWORD THROUGH HIS STOMACH.

DOCTOR (CONT.)
And what appears to be the matter?

PATIENT
It's probably nothing....

END

Another great sketch. Only line I had trouble with was:

DOCTOR
There you go, shinbone of St. Earconwald. Rub it on the infected parts three times a day. If there is no improvement I should give it four days.

At first I thought Shinbone of St. Earconwald was the patient's exotic name, despite you naming him in the first line. Me and my short-term memory. Maybe amend to:

DOCTOR
There you go, take some (or 'rub in some') shinbone of St. Earconwald. If there is no improvement, I should give it four days.

Neat! Strong concept, could probably be a runner, something you've no doubt got in mind already. Only thought I had was could there be an olde version of a receptionist, that could be a funny?

This doesn't read funny but the characters are so strong I bet it will play funny.

This is a re-working of an oldie which no-one but me much cared for (though as Soots suggests, it may only seem funny to me because I am imagining how it might be played.) Anyway, I have had another stab at sharpening it up. Glad it seems to be working better now.

I'll think about the shinbone line. I can see comic potential in an olde worlde receptionist, but I think with this sketch I want to keep the focus on the doc.

Cheers, Tim.

Yep - I really like this one. I'd go for some happy middle ground with the secretary - maybe don't make her too funny, but a small little joke of the age could be grand.

Arguably the best title of a sketch on here too. The comma elevates it yet further.

I have seen this before but I like the edit.
Well written with a nice new ending.

This tickled me (Buboes has a different meaning in the Baby household).

If I'm being really picky, I didn't like the 'mass of thanksgiving' line, got me all confused with American Thanksgiving and Catholic mass.

Perhaps a 'prayer to George, the patron saint of Syphillus'? or something similar?

Quote: AngieBaby @ March 31 2010, 9:03 PM BST

If I'm being really picky, I didn't like the 'mass of thanksgiving' line, got me all confused with American Thanksgiving and Catholic mass.

View original

Yes, that was a late addition; not sure it works.