A sketch wot I wrote a little while ago...
INT. DAY. OFFICE OF PETER STAMP.
INTERCOM (LADYS VOICE):
Mr. Stamp, a Dennis Frost to see you.
MR. STAMP:
Send him in.
DENNIS ENTERS.
DENNIS:
Hello Mr. Stamp.
STAMP:
Take a seat. Ok, I want you to wow me. What can you offer that can make us both millionaires?
DEN:
Right. I have an idea for a book full of amazing feats and records.
STAMP:
Riiight....(dubiously)
DEN:
For instance, the hungriest man to run a marathon..was Jeffrey Thomas who said he was "absolutely starving" before the 1996 Olympics.
Aam, we have the tallest man to wind a baby.. Alain Lecrouf at 7 foot 7 winded his 2 month old nephew Jacques on a park bench just outside Montpellier.
The nicest man to go blind, the 1st person to buy a packet of digestive biscuits, the tallest swan, the....
STAMP:
Very Good. The idea isnt entirely original though is it.... what do you call this book?
DEN:
The Dennis Book of Records.
STAMP:
Hmm... You see both in content and name its quite similar to the Guinness Book of Records there.
DEN:
The what?
STAMP:
The Gui- Nevermind. What say we leave that in the 'maybe' pile. What else have you got?
DEN:
A documentary on a few of my more interesting friends. Uneven Pete: He always walks like he is on a kerb; Steve Jurassic: He looks like a disappointed caveman; Tom Johnson: He has the frostiest back I've ever seen. Like a cold winters morning, constantly.
STAMP:
MmmHmm...
DEN:
Dragons Den.
STAMP:
Oh yes?
DEN:
Yes. I Dennis Frost go in search of dragons in the hope of becoming their pet for a week and will therefore become Dragons Den/Dennis... I have the failed salmon, the jungle head of...
STAMP:
If I may just cut across you at this point and ask, have you anything good?
DEN:
Oooh good... Aam 'I Dolphin'.
STAMP:
Dare I ask what that is?
DEN:
We get a group together and they spend 6 months working as dolphins on the shores of Mexico and we document the trials and tribulations that they encounter.
STAMP:
Can I just take that folder away from you........ I'll call out a few ideas and you explain them to me. Ok, 'Alan Johansson: The Mediocre Wolf'.
DEN:
Oh yes,that's a childrens story about a wolf who doesn't do anything even remotely interesting.
STAMP:
Right. Not am....not...... Gerry the Pim?
DEN:
Just....just a name.
STAMP:
Great. Nappies Ahoy?
DEN:
Save your baby the bother of having to go himself with pre-soiled 2nd hand nappies.
STAMP:
Excellent....and 1 more.... North Pole?
DEN:
A Polish man goes North a bit....kinda in a northerly direction... in a way.
STAMP:
Ok. So what do you think? Have any of your ideas got any chance of making it?
DENNIS LOOKS SHEEPISH.
CUT TO TV PRESENTER.
PRESENTER:
And that was the smash hit name from the smash hit show 'Gerry the Pim'!!
THEME TUNE...
'Whats his game, Gerry the Pim. Its just a name, Gerry the Pim. Gerry the Pim, Gerry the Pim. This is him!
PRESENTER:
And now our story of the month.
KIDS STORYTELLER:
Today we're going to learn about Alan Johannsson; the mediocre wolf and the amazing and magical adventures he doesn't get up to.
Alan Johannsson was a mediocre wolf of the highest order. He slept and slept for what seemed like seconds. Alan suddenly awoke but there was nothing there.
"What was that"? Thought Alan mediocrely. "That sounded like what may have been a noise". His eyes were reclosing, then his eyes fully closed. He was asleep.
He slept and slept and slept and slept......and slept and slept (TURN PAGE) and slept and slept. Suddenly he slept some more. Alan slept. After 2 days he was awakened by his eyes. They opened.
Alan found it very hard to sleep when his eyes were open. Alan walked, he saw a tree, he heard a leaf. Then Alan burped, yawned and got sick on a mouse for aswell as being mediocre Alan was also a complete dickhead and an ignorant prick.
THE END.
