EXT. A VIEWPOINT, OVERLOOKING A REEDBED.
BERNARD IS LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS. HE IS JOINED BY A FELLOW BIRDWATCHER, NEIL.
NEIL
Ah Bernard. Is there much about?
BERNARD
Bittern. Hen harrier. Golden oriole. Eagle owl. Nothing exciting.
NEIL
Good grief. But then you do hold the British record for the longest lifetime list. Three hundred and eighty-nine species.
BERNARD
Three hundred and ninety. Goliath heron this morning, on the garden feeder.
NEIL
Another UK first.
BERNARD
Really? I had best phone it in.
NEIL
I would rather you didn't.
BERNARD
Perhaps you're right. Best if the twitchers don't get hold of it.
NEIL
It is more that the Ornithological Society are becoming concerned that you may be getting a little carried away with some of the sightings you are reporting. The report you filed yesterday for instance...
BERNARD
Now that is a UK first.
NEIL
Absolutely. In fact the species has only previously been recorded on an island in the Indian Ocean.
BERNARD
Well this time of year all sort of things can get blown in.
NEIL
Yes, but generally not flightless birds.
BERNARD
I suppose it could be an escape.
NEIL
That thought occurred to us, but as far as we can ascertain there is only the one specimen in a British collection; and the Natural History Museum assure us it is still in its display case, what's left of their Dodo.
BERNARD
Well I really don't know what to say, I can't see how I could have been mistaken...
NEIL
This has lead us to question some of your other records. The Great Auk. The Passenger Pigeon. The Madagascan Elephant Bird.
BERNARD
But I was scrupulous in checking the diagnostic features against the descriptions in the guide.
NEIL
A Gap In Nature is not a field guide! I am sorry Bernard, but there is no way we can authenticate any of these sightings.
BERNARD
My Archaeopteryx?
NEIL
No!
BERNARD
The Phoenix then? The first sighting in a thousand years? Or the Oozlum Bird? I called you out to see that one! Of course by the time you got there it had disappeared up...
NEIL
Bernard! You have just been making these sightings up, haven't you? Admit it! Come on, what have you got to say for yourself?
BERNARD LOOKS SHIFTY, THEN POINTS OVER NEIL'S SHOULDER.
BERNARD
Look! A Roc!
NEIL
Oh really!
A HUGE PAIR OF CLAWS COME DOWN AND CARRY NEIL OFF.
BERNARD TAKES OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE, AND DIALS.
BERNARD
Hello? Birdline?
BERNARD HITS THE RED BUTTON AND PUTS HIS PHONE AWAY.
BERNARD (CONT.)
No, best not, if I can't be absolutely certain.
END.
