Toothless

a sketch for ze radio...

BRIAN

Bugger me, Ted, your bristles are a bit worn, aint they?!

TED

Yeah, well, it's that demented daughter, aint it? One filling at that bastard dentist and she's trying to brush through to the nerve.

BRIAN

Did you see that dental assistant though?

TED

What gums.

BRIAN

Anyhow, it could be worse. Colin's had the same bristles for fifteen years.

COLIN

(shaking old man's voice) Nobody knows whose I am anymore.

FX Footsteps enter

BRIAN

Oi, oi! Here he comes.

FX Toilet seat up. Zip undone. A trickle of water that comes to a stop.

TED

Seven seconds. Pay up, plaque face.

BRIAN

Ah, bollocks. How's the gingivitis?

TED

Shut up and pay up.

BRIAN

If we weren't in this pot...Fine. Look at that though; it must be freezing out there.

TED

(sniggers)

BRIAN

Holy God.

TED

What the Hell is that?

FX An electric toothbrush whirs for a few seconds. The man spits. The electric toothbrush is banged down.

BEAT

BRIAN

F**k me; a robot.

I like this but the punch felt it wasn't enough of a change.

But the only alternate I can think of is the man shoves the electric toothbrush up his arse.

If it's a radio sketch, then you're going to need to establish that they're toothbrushes. I only figured out that they were towards the end. The language is a bit ripe for radio too. You could try this as a TV piece as it reminded me of the cutaways The Young Ones used to employ.

Cheers both.

truth be told, I reckon the idea is fine but the execution is well off.

I'd take my chances on the toothbrush front to be honest, I think that's the joke in the first part with plenty of tags for the penny to drop. In saying that, the sketch is naff so that's mooting my own point, innit?