Skit Comp 20-28.3.10 Page 2

INT.POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM.DAY

A DANGEROUS LOOKING SUSPECT CALLED JIMMY IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK BEING WATCHED BY A POLICEWOMAN WITH A TAPE RECORDER BESIDE HER. THE INTERVIEW ROOM DOOR OPENS AND DCI MCKENZIE WALKS IN CARRYING A CUP OF WATER. MCKENZIE TAKES A SEAT OPPOSITE JIMMY AND NODS AT THE POLICEWOMAN WHO PRESSES RECORD ON THE TAPE RECORDER

POLICEWOMAN
The time is sixteen twenty, Friday the twenty sixth of March. DCI McKenzie in attendance

MCKENSIE SIPS FROM HIS CUP OF WATER, PUTS IT DOWN ON THE DESK THEN CLOSES HIS EYES

MCKENZIE (SINGING SOFTLY)
My love, there's only you in my life, the only thing that's bright...

MCKENSIE STOPS AND WAITS FOR A CONFUSED LOOKING JIMMY TO START SINGING WHICH HE EVENTUALLY DOES

JIMMY (TENTATIVELY)
My first love, you're every breath that I take, you're every step I make

MCKENZIE
And I

JIMMY (GETTING INTO IT)
(I-I-I-I-I)

MCKENZIE
I want to share

BOTH
All my love with you

MCKENZIE
No one else will do...

JIMMY (PASSIONATELY)
And your eyes

DCI MCKENZIE
Your eyes, your eyes

BOTH
They tell me how much you care, ooh yes, you will always be.....my endless love

THE ROOM FALLS SILENT

MCKENZIE (SOFTLY)
Did you kill Mickey Benton, Jimmy?

JIMMY (JUST AS SOFTLY)
Yes I did

DCI MCKENZIE SMILES, STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR

JIMMY
You bastard!

JIMMY BURSTS INTO TEARS AS THE DCI CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

POLICEWOMAN
Interview concluded sixteen twenty two

THE POLICWOMAN TURNS OFF THE TAPE RECORDER AND HANDS JIMMY A TISSUE WHICH HE QUIETLY SOBS INTO

POLICEWOMAN
I know, I know

REDRUM

I'm gonna kill that pesky brat. She may look cute with her massive brown eyes.

RELIC

Surely that's murder.

REDRUM

They don't call me Redrum for nothin' try spelling it backwards.

RELIC

And? Try relic.

REDRUM

Any road, I can't see it being classed as murder, just like raccoons and rats,

they're pests.

RELIC

But there's only the one around here and it is old, it'll die off naturally before long.

REDRUM

That's no excuse.

RELIC

Ah, don't kill that bushbaby.

I'm just another cop. I spend my days chasing bad guys, and my nights drinking liquor in any dive that takes my fancy. A fortnight ago my boss gave me a long zipper, some cotton, two square metres of leather, brass buckles, and a needle. "I want you to work on a new case," he said.

The ringmaster of a travelling circus got trampled to death by a musical elephant. Poor old Elgar went crazy when a mouse ran up his leg. How do you think the killer lured a mouse into the ring? I'll tell you how. The lousy dirt bag sprinkled grated cheese in the sawdust.

As I walked downtown, a man offered to shine my shoes for three bucks. "Why not?" I said. I paid the man ten bucks and asked him what he knew about the ringmaster. "Talk to Long Haired Harry the Sword Swallower," he said. "Harry knows - " All of a sudden he stopped talking and frowned.
"Harry knows what?" I said.
"What kind of man pays for a shoe shine after standing in a dog turd," he shouted.
"I've got a bad memory," I said. "But don't rub it in."

I found Harry stepping out of a burger joint. I noticed his long hair was tied back and held in place with a big spring loaded clip. "You've got a lot of clasp, Harry," I said. "Now tell me about your time in the circus."

"I started swallowing swords at the age of fifteen," he said. "It took me five years to learn the basics, and another ten years to become a master of the art. Then I quit."
I had to ask. "Why did you quit, Harry?"
"I didn't enjoy it", he said.

"Do you know of anyone with a grudge against the ringmaster?" I said.
"Tipsy the Unicycling Clown got fired last month," Harry replied. "He swore he'd get revenge."
"Why was he fired?" I asked.
Harry grew silent; he turned away and wouldn't meet my gaze. My question seemed to leave a bad taste in Harry's mouth, or maybe that was the hamburger.

And so my search for Tipsy the Unicycling Clown goes on. I wonder if he's guilty and I wonder why he got fired. I'll bet his spokes weren't funny enough.

EXT. HILLSIDE. DAY

DI CLEGG AND DS CUMMINGS ARE STANDING TOGETHER ON THE GRASS LOOKING PERPLEXED.

INSPECTOR
Bodies this big don't just disappear, Cummings. This is an almighty cock-up. The tip-off said we'd find the stiff here!

WE PULL BACK TO SEE THAT THEY ARE STANDING ON THE GRASSY GENITALS OF THE CERNE ABBAS GIANT OUTLINED IN CHALK

ENDS

A DETECTIVE WALKS INTO A WINDOWLESS ROOM AND SITS DOWN OPPOSITE A UNIFORMED POLICEMAN:

DT:
As you know I'm here to help with the Doctor Black Murder. So I want you to tell me everything you have so far.

PC:
It's a complete mystery at the moment sir.

DT:
Well you must have something, what was the murder weapon?

PC:
We're not entirely sure but we have narrowed down sir, it was either a Dagger.....

DT:
Ah the old Dagger! A deadly weapon indeed.

PC:
Or a Revolver, A rope, some lead piping, a spanner, or a candlestick

DT:
What! You've got it narrowed down to six murder weapons! Could you be any less specific? What did the autopsy say, what clues were found in the room?

PC:
To be honest sir, we're not sure what room it was either.

DT:
Not sure what room it was? Not sure what bloody room it was? Where did you find the body for Gods sake?

PC:
We do have it narrowed down to nine, The Ballroom, the Library....

DT:
For crying out loud! Do we at least have a suspect?

PC:
Not a suspect as such....

DT:
How many?

PC:
Six.

DT:
Six possible weapons, Six possible suspects, and nine possible rooms ... what kind of investigation are you running here?

PC:
It's been quite fun actually.

DT:
Don't play games with me, if we don't solve this then it will happen again, & again & again & it won't be fun believe me.

PC:
We do have an eye witness.

DT:
At last! Something concrete!

PC:
She thinks it was the Clergyman, she's coming in today for an ID parade.

CUT TO:
THE DETECTIVE & THE PC STANDING WITH AN OLD LADY IN FRONT OF A TWO WAY MIRROR.
WE PAN ACROSS AN IDENTITY PARADE OF FOUR PEOPLE IN VICAR COSTUMES AND THE FIFTH PERSON IS A LIFESIZE GREEN CLUEDO PIECE.

OLD LADY:
It's Number five, definitely number five, I'd recognize that face anywhere.

PC: (PULLS BLACK ENVELOPE OUT OF HIS TOP POCKET, AND TAKES A PEEK)
I Think she may be right.

END

Sorry about the quality of drawing , I'm ill and my laptop screen is broken.

AN OLD MAN AND A POLICEMAN ARE SITTING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF AN OPEN LOG FIRE.

POLICEMAN
The good news is we've ruled you out as a suspect in the murder case.

GEPPETTO
Thank Jiminy Cricket for that. How could you think a father could kill their own child?

POLICEMAN
The bad news is, with no evidence we've had to release the Blue Fairy.

GEPPETTO
So the case is closed?

POLICEMAN
Yes. If I can be of any further assistance...?

GEPPETTO
You could put another leg on the fire.

Kasm gets my vote.

I enjoyed Gerry McDonnell's greatly too.

Kasm's is really clever and gets my vote

Liked Gerry McD's Leslie Nielsen-esque piece, but it has to be Steve Sunshine.

bushbaby gets my vote.

(only joking)

KASM for me. Steve Sunshine's tickled me lots as well.

Liked Gerry's and Kasm's after I Googled it, but I'm voting Rick.

Some really nice sketches this week. Liked Scratchyr's, Gerry's, Steve B's but the clever Timbo gets my vote.

I go for Nils and I'll vote for his sketch.

Kasm.