Skit Comp 20-28.3.10

One hell of a blast this week but ultimate/joint congrats to... ANGIEBABY and ALEX MAHON for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points apiece and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

2 - 10 - AngieBaby, Alex Mahon
1 - 5 - Mr Sunshine, me, scratchyr, Gerry, Giggle-o, Drew, Nigel, Otterfox, Kasm

Your new subject: MURDER (chosen by Angiebaby)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.3.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

116 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
109 - Mr Sunshine
107 - Otterfox
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Nigel Kelly
85 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
77 - Timbo
68 - Kasm
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
52 - Scratchyr
35 - Afinkawan
30 - Angiebaby
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
22 - Gerry McDonnell
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Alex Mahon
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
06 - The Giggle-O
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A murder scene. Forensic policemen are taking samples all over the room. Two inspectors enter.

INSPECTOR1
So what have we got?

INSPECTOR2
Six teens.

INSPECTOR1
Any ideas?

INSPECTOR2
Cluedo.

INSPECTOR1
What?

INSPECTOR2
They were playing Cluedo. They left for snacks and when they came back the envelope was missing. This one (pointing to a corpse) had almost worked it out and since he could never check, the mystery drove him crazy. He stabbed the others before turning the knife on himself.

Inspector1 crouches next to the body. There is a tiny pewter knife stuck in his forehead.

INSPECTOR1
Did you find the envelope?

INSPECTOR2
Yeah. Follow me to the billiard room.

INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

An Inspector angrily addresses a junior staffer

INSPECTOR

These budget cuts are really starting to piss me off.

Cut to:

An overhead shot of a couple of forensic types/photographers taking pictures of a crudely chalked stick man.

INT. MORGUE - DAY.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH AND MR MATTEL, THE BARBIE DOLL MANUFACTURER, ARE STANDING ON EITHER SIDE OF A STONE SLAB. IT IS COVERED IN A BLANKET, A SMALL LUMP UNDERNEATH IT.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH:
(Scottish accent) Please brace yourself, Mr Mattel for a very gruesome sight.

MR MATTEL
(American accent) Goddamit! What evil fiend would decapitate my Highland Barbie?

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH:
We suspect it was the work of English Defence League. Probably a revenge attack for the two Yorkshire terriers shot dead by Scottish Nationalists in a drive-by last week.

MR MATTEL:
It's a shame innocent dolls have to die in the process.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH:
It certainly is. Sorry we can't find Barbie's torso, but believe me, we are trying. Meanwhile, I need to go over some details for identification purposes.

MR MATTEL:
Certainly, detective. Go ahead.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH:
First of all, did Highland Barbie have the serial number HB3248967 on the underside of her chin?

MR MATTEL:
Yes, she did. We only made one.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH:
Thank you. And did she have ginger hair, freckled face, and a dimple on her left cheek?

MR MATTEL:
(signs resignedly) She did, yes.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH WHIPS OFF THE BLANKET, PLACES THE HEAD ON HIS PALM, AND SHOWS IT TO MR MATTEL.

DETECTIVE MCTAVISH:
So, I assume this is Highland Barbie.

MR MATTEL:
(Relieved sigh) Shucks no. She was taller than that.

Two policemen.

FIRST: Thinks he can get away with murder.

SECOND: Who?

FIRST: Jack the Ripper.

A DETECTIVE ARRIVES AT A MURDER SCENE

DETECTIVE
Okay, have we found anything?

ASSISTANT
Overdose, pretty conclusive sir.

DETECTIVE
How can you be certain?

ASSISTANT nods at the corpse

CUT TO: A corpse with an erection

DETECTIVE (confused)
How long has been dead?

ASSISTANT
3 weeks sir

DETECTIVE
Did you find any evidence?

ASSISTANT
Yea, empty bottle. I've given it to forensics.

DETECTIVE
You didn't get the name did you by any chance?

END

ARTY and BERTY ARE TALKING IN A PUB:¨

BERTY: My wife's drivin' me nuts. Naggin' me to death. Know what I mean?

ARTY: Too right. Mine was just as bad.

BERTY: How did you stop her?

ARTY: I done her in, din' I.

BERTY: Wish someone'd do mine in!

ARTY: Giv'us a quid an' I'll do her for yer.

BERTY GIVES ARTY A POUND: Bloody life saver, thanks Arty.

ARTY: When and where?

BERTY: If you shoot off now you'll catch her shoppin' in Tescos. You can't miss the bitch. She's a fat lump and wears a hat that looks like a blue tea cosy.

ARTY: Sees his blue bonnetted quarry, creeps up behing her and strangles her.
He turns to escape and sees another fat lump with a blue tea cosy on her head.
He strangles this one, too, but gets caught, and confesses.

BERTY WATCHING THE NEWS ON THE PUB'S TV. NEWSFLASH: Arty chokes two for a pound in Tescos.

I am sorry to hijack this thread but as you're all people who take part I thought you might want to give your opinion on maybe changing the Skit Comp leader board. Please only post your thoughts on this thread ( https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/17040#P598382 ) , not on here.

Thanks.

EXT. CITY STREET NIGHT.

SFX: POLICE SIRENS.

A CROWD OF PEOPLE STAND AT A TAPED OFF CRIME SCENE. A CAR ROLLS UP WITH LIGHTS FLASHING. A PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE ( DETECTIVE ) STEPS OUT OF THE CAR AND GREETS A UNIFORMED OFFICER (OFFICER).

DETECTIVE:
Officer? What we got here? Another virtually impossible murder case for me and the team at the forensics lab?

OFFICER:
Detective.

THEY PASS UNDER THE POLICE TAPE AND MOVE INTO THE CRIME SCENE.

DETECTIVE:
Not even a body. They leave nothing in this town, God damn it.

OFFICER:
Sorry the body's over there?

HE POINTS TO A DEAD MAN SPRAWLED IN THE ROAD.

DETECTIVE:
Ok we got a body, but no murder weapon, that could be impossible to find.

OFFICER:
And we found a gun right over there.

HE POINTS TO A STILL SMOKING GUN.

DETECTIVE:
So...we got the victim...we got the weapon....but who pulled the trigger? Vanished without a trace I suspect.

OFFICER:
He's right here. He was waiting at the scene.

THEY WALK OVER TO A MAN IN HANDCUFFS.

SUSPECT:
I killed him. With that gun. On purpose.

DETECTIVE:
Trying to cover for someone. Got any witnesses?

CROWD 1:
I saw him do it.

THE CROWD AND SUSPECT NOD AND MURMUR IN AGREEMENT.

CROWD 2:
Me too.

DETECTIVE:
But in this neighbourhood, who's gonna testify?

CROWD 1:
I'll do it. I'll testify.

CROWD 2:
Me too.

DETECTIVE:
Ok, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten and when I open them I want a case to solve. Jesus, I didn't spend all those years at cop school for this Mickey Mouse bullshit. Now, you guys ready?

THE CROWD AND SUSPECT AND OFFICER NOD AND MURMUR IN AGREEMENT.

DETECTIVE:
Ok. One...two...three...four....five...six...seven...eight...nine...ten.

END.

EXT. STREET. DAY.

A MAN EMERGES FROM A CONFECTIONER'S WITH A SMALL BAG OF SWEETS.

MAN STROLLS DOWN THE STREET EATING SOME SWEETS.

FX: FOOTSTEPS FROM BEHIND GETTING LOUDER.

LOUD VOICE: (O.O.V.)
Excuse me, what sweets are you eating?

CAMERA FOCUS ON MAN AS HE TURNS ROUND. HE HAS A LOOK OF AMAZEMENT ON HIS FACE.

MAN: (nervously)
Erm, they, they are... j, j, j, jellybabies.

CUT TO GIANT JELLYBABY BITING MAN'S HEAD OFF.

GIANT JELLYBABY:
Payback!

INT. A PRISON INTERVIEW ROOM.

A SOLICITOR IS WAITING WITH HER CLIENT. A BARRISTER ENTERS. SHE SHAKES HANDS WITH THE SOLICITOR.

BARRISTER
Ah, Mrs. Green. This must be your client.

THE BARRISTER NODS DISTASTEFULLY IN THE DIRECTION OF THE CLIENT, THEN SEATS HERSELF DOWN.

BARRISTER (CONT.)
Well, I won't give you false hope Mr. Adams, it is going to be difficult to construct a defence in these circumstances. The forensics report is particularly damming. Soft tissue and fluids were found at a number of locations throughout your house.

SOLICITOR
But forensics evidence alone...

BARRISTER
The viscera, I see, were found in the chiller cabinet, wrapped in cling film and labelled in felt marker. With best before dates. While the sensory, and, ah, reproductive, organs had been neatly arranged in jars in the cupboard. Pickled with cloves.

THE SOLICITOR AND THE CLIENT SMILE AT ONE ANOTHER.

BARRISTER
And I really do not want to talk about what was in the oven. Dear God, stuffed with apple and herb.

CLIENT (TO SOLICITOR)
She still hasn't got it, has she?

BARRISTER
I'm sorry?

SOLICITOR
My client is a post-modern serial killer.

BARRISTER
I don't...

CLIENT (EAGERLY EXPLAINING)
The whole killing and dismembering thing is intended to be understood ironically!

BARRISTER (SLAPPING A HAND TO HER FOREHEAD)
Oh, I'm so stupid! I've been thinking of it as a crime scene, when really...

CLIENT
It's an installation!

SOLICITOR
My client received a grant from the Lottery Fund for his work.

BARRISTER
It's so clever. And of course murdering and dismembering real innocent people is what makes it such a powerful statement.

SOLICITOR
As an artist my client refuses to compromise on authenticity.

BARRISTER
Oh, well in that case Mr. Adams there is really nothing to worry about. Irony is the one defence that never fails.

END.

EXT. GARDEN PATIO - DAY

DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR ARSARELBO AND HIS FAITHFUL ASSISTANT SERGEANT PIGGS ARE STANDING OVER A CORPSE.

ARSARELBO:
Right then Piggs, can you tell me how he died?

PIGGS:
I'll take a stab.

ARSARELBO:
Wrong; he's clearly banged his head on that cement. The evidence is bloody concrete.

PIGGS:
Sorry Sir.

ARSARELBO:
Do we have any leads?

PIGGS:
Yes sir.

ARSARELBO:
Good, take his dog for a walk, he's pissing on the evidence.

PIGGS:
Maybe later sir. First, we should concentrate on solving the case.

ARSARELBO:
Very well, what's your theory?

PIGGS:
Judging by the belt around his neck, I think he collapsed from those gallows after attempting 'erotic asphyxiation'. That's the practice where you intentionally restrict oxygen to the brain, to give you orgasm after orgasm.

ARSARELBO:
Come again?

PIGGS:
Exactly.

ARSARELBO:
I think you're wrong Piggs; where's the orange? He almost certainly tried to kill himself because of that revolting cyst in the middle of his face.

PIGGS:
You mean...

ARSARELBO:
Yes...a cysted suicide.

PIGGS:
An interesting theory sir. Do you think he might have been worried that the cyst could lead to something, you know, life-threatening?

ARSARELBO:
I couldn't say.

PIGGS:
Cancer?

ARSARELBO:
I can't Piggs!

PIGGS:
Hang on sir, there's a note in his pocket; it looks like somebody has been demanding money from him.

ARSARELBO:
Blackmail?

PIGGS:
No sir, a white woman, it was his ex-wife.

ARSARELBO:
Well we've found our murderer Piggs; there doesn't necessarily have to be any, erm, what's the word...

PIGGS:
Intent sir?

ARSARELBO:
This isn't a camping trip Piggs. We're trying to solve a crime.

PIGGS:
Sorry sir.

ARSARELBO:
Right, I think we're just about done here, let's get this sadistic bitch behind bars. How much prison-time do you receive for manslaughter these days, Piggs?

PIGGS:
Around ten years.

ARSARELBO:
That's too short a sentence.

PIGGS:
Sorry sir. She's looking at somewhere in the region of a ten-year custodial sentence in order to complete her rehabilitation.

ARSARELBO:
That's much better.

PIGGS:
Thanks sir.

Int. Day. Four burly prison guards are escorting a prisoner on the lonely walk to his execution. The guards, Brian, Mike, Paul and Aaron are chatting.

Aaron : I'm looking forward to the E wing BBQ later.

Brian : Fantastic last year wasn't it.

Paul : I can't believe what Charlie did with that goat.

Mike : I'm glad we're getting this thing done at dawn. I might be able to knock off a bit early for a few jars.

Aaron : Are they getting a suckling pig this year?

Brian: Oh yes E wing always go the whole hog.

Paul: Hmmm, crispy ribs. Nothing better.

Mike: I always like the crackling.

Aaron: It's just burnt fat and skin you know.

Mike : But it tastes good!

Paul: Its amazing how quick these things cook under that sort of heat.

The prisoner raises his head.

Prisoner : All meat is murder!

Paul : Ah shut up! Just cos you're not invited!

Prisoner: I can't believe you lot, I'm on my way to old sparky and you are just chatting away about crispy ribs. God, you even denied me my last meal. Bastards.

The guards exchange sly glances as they arrive at the end of the corridor. The prisoner takes a huge sigh of resignation. The guards open the door and there are bunch of people all drinking and having a party.

People : Surprise!

The prisoner gasps in shock and the guards break out in laughter.

Aaron: See! We didn't forget you!

Paul: We couldn't let you go without a bit of a party.

Brian: We've been planning this for months. We just prayed the governor didn't ring through with a stay of execution.

Prisoners : Oh you guys!

Mike: We've got one hour! We have to do the deed then!

The crowd parts to show the electric chair, a suckling pig is in it with the cap on - being fried. A man in chefs whites is "tending to the beast" He talks to the prisoner.

Chef : One rib or two?

Ends

TWO NEWS PRODUCERS (LEN AND STEVE) DISCUSSING REPORTERS FOR THE LATEST NEWS BULLETIN.

LEN:
So who have we got reporting on the murder by the lake story?

STEVE:
We've got Joe.

LEN:
Joe?! Joe?! That's our main story and Joe is reporting on it! This is a disaster!

STEVE:
Come on it won't be that bad.

LEN:
He has the worst command of english I have ever heard. He does'nt know how to structure a sentence and has'nt a clue what adverbs and adjectives to use. He's utterly useless, and that's an understatement.

STEVE:
I know he's a little unorthadox but it usually seems to work itself out in the end.

CUT TO REPORTER JOE BY THE LAKE:

JOE:
Murder has come to fruition in the small town of Ashton. The town that some call a lake...by the sea.

The murder was achieved at about 204 minutes after 10 last night and again 10 minutes later than that later.

The murderer checked-in with his murder to a man in the same town as the murder occured last night also.
It is believed that the murderer flung a calf at the murderee forcing his knees to fold the wrong way.

This did not force the death of him but he was pronounced dead so the calf fling might actually have caused the death of him afterall.

CUT TO PRODUCERS ROLLING THEIR EYES AND HEAD IN HANDS IN DISMAY.

JOE:
We are now joined by the pathologian..pathoholic..patha...

PATHOLOGIST:
Pathologist.

JOE:
Pat-hologist. Welcome Pat. So has the post mor..post-modern determined anything?

PATH:
Yes. He's dead.(BEAT). My guess is the murderer killed himself and then turned the calf on his victim.

JOE:
That looks blindingly obvious but at the same time how can you possibly tell?

PATH:
I spoke to a witness.

JOE:
We've just received word we have a witness available for interview. Lets bring him in here.

PATHOLOGIST WALKS OFF CAMERA AND ON AGAIN AS THE WITNESS.

JOE:
And whats your name?

PATH:
I'm the pathologist. I was just..

JOE:
Huh! Imagine that. Two people with the same name. Are you brothers?

PATH:
I...Look I witnessed the whole thing. I know who the murderer is!

JOE:
Wow! You won't believe this folks but the murderer is available to be interviewed! Bring him on here.

PATHOLOGIST WALKS OFF AND WALKS BACK ON AGAIN.

JOE:
You're the murderer!

PATH:
You're the murderer!

JOE:
Am I?

PATH:
Yes. I saw you do it.

JOE:
Oh yeah I killed him yeah obviously.

PATH:
If you could just come over here to am... to be arrested.

JOE:
Sure yeah, lovely.

AS THE POLICE ARE PUTTING HIM INTO THE CAR...

JOE:
And now back to the studio...Hold on. The police are gone and they left the car with openess. I'm escaping folks. Escaping live on air..

HE RUNS DOWN THE ROAD.

JOE:
Follow me folks as I hide from the police live on air. I'm turning leftwards down the N7. Into a field now. This looks like 1st class escaping...and I'm floating across the-

HE GETS PUMMELED BY A CALF.

JOE:
Jeeesus!! And I'm after getting absolutely flattened by a calf! Am I dead? I aam-

PRODUCERS:
Well at least he makes for good television.

END.

COLUMBO TURNS TO FACE THE AUDIENCE.

COLUMBO
Just one more question.

MAX
Yes what is it Detective Columbo?

COLUMBO
See this has been bothering me. When Mr and Mrs Hart met what was it?

MAX
It was moider!

COLUMBO
Take him away Sergeant Cojumbo.