Talcuum Mafiosa

A visual quickie. Feedback greatly appreciated as always.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

TWO MAFIA MOBS, DRESSED IN SUITS, PULL UP IN FANCY CARS AS THEY PREPARE TO DO AN EXCHANGE.

ONE MEMBER FROM EACH GANG WALK TO MEET ONE ANOTHER. EACH HAS A BRIEFCASE.

MEMBER #1 OPENS UP HIS BRIEFCASE TO REVEAL A SELECTION OF JOHNSON BABY TALCUUM.

MEMBER #2 OPENS ONE OF THE BOTTLES, TASTES IT THEN DABS IT UNDER HIS ARM PIT. HE THEN LOOKS AT HIS HAND BEFORE GIVING A NOD OF ACCEPTANCE.

MEMBER #2 OPENS HIS BRIEFCASE TO REVEAL A CHEQUE FOR £38.26

THEY BOTH RETURN TO THEIR VEHICLES

END.

I don't think this really works in its current format. You give the joke away at the start and then it goes nowhere.

It might be better as a pull-back/reveal. i.e. the whole thing goes down as a drug deal, you see the odd cheque and then reveal that it is talcum powder.

Either that or you start with them treating buying talc like it's a drug deal but then you need to escalate it - a rival dealer turns up and a gun fight ensues, the talcum powder police turn up to arrest them, a grown man dressed as a baby interrupts them begging for a 'hit' or whatever.

Thanks Afinkawan.

I wasn't looking at it as giving the joke away. It was a short sketch opposed to a punchline joke. I don't think it went nowhere after the talcuum reveal. There wasn't too long to go really.

Quote: Craig H @ March 9 2010, 3:31 PM GMT

I wasn't looking at it as giving the joke away. It was a short sketch opposed to a punchline joke. I don't think it went nowhere after the talcuum reveal. There wasn't too long to go really.

View original

Huh? Unless I'm missing something, the only thing in the sketch nodding toward a joke is the talcum powder/cocaine mix-up. What else is left after that? Like it or not, having not included anything else in the way of laughs, that's your punchline. And you open with it.

Quote: David Bussell @ March 9 2010, 3:45 PM GMT

Huh? Unless I'm missing something only thing in the sketch nodding toward a joke is the talcum powder/cocaine mix-up. What else is left after that? Like it or not, having not included anything else in the way of laughs, that's your punchline. And you open with it.

View original

They should have a [grrrr] rrrr] just for you David.

Thanks for your not so kind and not so helpful feedback.

Tell you what, how about instead of a knee-jerk defence you tell me why the feedback I gave was in any way unfair?

Quote: David Bussell @ March 9 2010, 4:12 PM GMT

Tell you what, how about instead of a knee-jerk defence you tell me why the feedback I gave was in any way unfair?

View original

I never said it was unfair David. I said it wasn't very helpful.

Quote: Craig H @ March 9 2010, 4:31 PM GMT

I never said it was unfair David. I said it wasn't very helpful.

View original

I gave honest feedback on your sketch in terms of structure, jokes and punchline. What else were you hoping for, Craig? Did you want me to write a funnier version for you?

How was David saying you opened with the joke and then went nowhere any less helpful than me saying the same thing?

Quote: David Bussell @ March 9 2010, 4:37 PM GMT

I gave honest feedback on your sketch in terms of structure, jokes and punchline. What else were you hoping for, Craig? Did you want me to write a funnier version for you?

View original

No

Quote: Afinkawan @ March 9 2010, 4:38 PM GMT

How was David saying you opened with the joke and then went nowhere any less helpful than me saying the same thing?

View original

It wasn't really.

Wow, just look at you grow, Craig!

I think the others are right, it has the feel of a reveal but you've given your one joke away at the beginning.

MAFIOSA BOSS OPENS BRIEF CASE, REVEALING BAGS OF WHITE POWDER.

GANG MEMBER
Do you mind...?

MAFIOSA BOSS NODS. CAMERA PULLS BACK ON GANG MEMBER REVEALING A BABY STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST. HE TAKES THE BABY OUT AND PATS THE POWDER ON TO ITS BACK SIDE. THE BABY BEGINS TO CRY.

GANG MEMBER
What are you trying to pull?! The baby never lies; this isn't Johnson's!

THEY ALL PULL GUNS ON EACH OTHER.

Just an idea.

Hey Craig,

I think the Giggle-o nailed it. Yours was a good premise for a sketch, but it needed that extra element of absurdity.

Hi. Agree with Kasm, it is a good idea, but misses the target. Giggle-o's re write hits it well. You have funny ideas and the more you write the more you will get the execution to match.

I liked the sketch Craig. I didn't actually mind the obviousness of it as the silliness for me overrode that. IMHO you have been over sensitive with David B's comment. It's not as if he said your sketch was a rapist's turd written by a Boyzone fan.

I like Giggle-o's version as well, which I could see as an addition to your sketch.