Hibernating

Hi, I know this was just in the Skit Comp, but I'm really interested in how to make my stuff shorter and punchier. I've trimmed it a little, but any suggestions as to how to make it shorter still would be gratefully accepted:

INT. CAVE. DAY

A THIN, ADOLESCENT BEAR, TONY, LIES UNCONSCIOUS. SAT BESIDE HIM IS BRIAN, ANOTHER YOUNG BEAR WHO IS A LOT FATTER. BRIAN STARES DEJECTEDLY DOWN AT HIS MATE, BUT SUDDENLY HEAVES HIMSELF TO HIS FEET, RUBBING HIS EYES IN AWE AS TONY BEGINS TO STIR

BRIAN
Tony! You're... you're alive.

TONY (groggily)
C'huh, what time is it?

BRIAN
Thank Boo Boo - I thought you'd been struck down like the others.

TONY
Where's everyone? Where's Frank?

BRIAN
I told you - some mystery illness. They're... gone.

TONY
Gone? What do you m... bloody hell, you've piled on the pounds. You're supposed to lose weight when you hibernate.

BRIAN
When you what?

TONY
You know... sleep for months.

BRIAN
Sleep? You think I could have slept, what with worrying about everyone?

TONY
You stayed awake? You must have been freezing! How did you keep warm? Hey... what's that?

TONY SEES A LARGE FUR COAT HANGING ON THE WALL BEHIND BRIAN

BRIAN (Sidles across to obstruct Tony's view)
What's what?

TONY
That fur.. Furank! That's bloody Frank. What have you done?!

BRIAN
Me? Nothing. He... erm, died.

TONY
Died? Ursa H Minor - he was f**king hibernating, like all normal bears do! Didn't your parents teach you anything?

BRIAN
Um, I, er...

TONY
How did he die?

BRIAN
Um... fell off a cliff?

TONY
What? I saw him curl up in the corner, just before I nodded off!

BRIAN
Maybe he was... sleep-walking. Anyway, I thought... you know, he wasn't going to be needing it, so...

TONY
I don't bloody believe this. Where'd you bury him?

BRIAN NERVOUSLY SIDLES THE OTHER WAY TO BLOCK TONY'S VIEW OF A HUGE PILE OF BONES.

BRIAN
Bury? Hmm, now let me see if I can remember...

TONY (spotting the bones)
You ate him? You ate bloody Frank? What are you going to tell Sharon? I wouldn't want to be in your shoe... Sharon!

BRIAN SHUFFLES HIS FEET IN EMBARRASSMENT AND TONY SUDDENLY LOOKS DOWN AT BRIAN'S BIG FURRY BOOTS BEFORE SCRAMBLING BACKWARDS FRANTICALLY

Hey Kasm,

this is a definite improvment from the Skit Comp entry. It's been nicely trimmed, and is a good sketch.

If I was you I'd lose the Ursa Major references. I had to Google them, so would others I'd imagine. Use a famous like Yogi or Rupert instead?

The closing line is a bit repetitive.

Could there be another punch. Maybe she's a female bear and he realises it's up to them to repopulate? Or stick with the male bear and the conclusion that brings?

Yeah, I'd drop the last line. Leave it with him shuffling backwards. And agree about the Ursa Major comment. DOn't think it needs to be any shorter than that.

But otherwise this is a quite excellent sketch. Very funny, would love to see it animated.

It's a good idea. I think you need to focus on what is funny and what is fluff. At the moment, in my opinion, there's too much fluff. The fluff mainly being superfluous explanation of the jokes. For example, this exchange:

TONY
You stayed awake? In winter? You must have been freezing! How did you keep warm, you dozey pratt? Hey... what's that?

TONY SEES A LARGE FUR COAT HANGING ON THE WALL BEHIND BRIAN

BRIAN (Looks a little embarrassed as he sidles across to obstruct Tony's view)
Don't know what you mean.

TONY
The coat on the wall, made of fur.. Furank! That's bloody Frank. What have you done?!

It's just too clunky. A more punchy way, for me:

TONY
You stayed awake? In winter? You must have been freezing!

TONY SEES A LARGE FUR COAT HANGING ON THE WALL BEHIND BRIAN

TONY
.....Frank?

I like your last line. But I think Angie is onto something with her being a female bear i.e. a switch from him appearing stupid, to his real motivation: to get laid. Anyway good one.

I would be wary of trimming too much, and I liked the Ursa Major reference. I think sometimes it can be a good idea to leave in throwaway gags not that everyone gets; those who don't will just filter them out, but those who do will feel pleased with themselves, and flattered because you are talking to them. Shows like The Simpsons do this all the time.

Tim's always liked a bit of fluff.

Ursa H Minor is my favourite bit.

I agree with Timbo. When I first read this in the comp I couldn't work out what that was about (Ursa Major). But when it clicked I thought that it was a very nice touch. Not everything has to aim for the lowest common denominator.

Really enjoyed this. Echo the others who suggested you end it on the boots gag.

Brilliant idea. Had a good laugh at this one on when I read it in the Skit. It is better now.

sorry I haven't replied - the place I'm working at doesn't allow access to any forums or even emai such as gmail/hotmail etc. Will reply when I'm home

Hey guys. Thanks for all the feedback. It's been really useful to see what you thought.

Angie, I think you, Chopz, David and Craig are right about the end - so I've changed it. I think your Yogi/Rupert idea was really nice and I think it's something that Brian would say, but I think Timbo, Badge and Scratchyr are also right about Ursa H Minor - and it is the kind of thing that Tony and the 'real' bears would be into as they observe the proper bear customs of hibernating and not eating each other.

And Simon - good point. I think I've declunked it a bit now.

Cheers again all. Much appreciated.

Another good sketch Kasm.
Very funny.

Cheers, Steve. Just trying to emulate you.

You'll need a better hairstyle & a mustache for that Kiddo.