I'm not saying my mother-in-law is pushy sexually, but she's forced more pensioners into bed than the flu virus.
My mother-in-law is like Thomas the Tank Engine - she spends most of the day steaming.
My mother-in-law is a prison guard. She's an experienced screw.
I think my mother-in-law has Alzheimer's. She spends her day asking everyone "do you know who I am?"
What's the only thing on earth that can be seen from the moon? My mother-in-law's sense of self importance.
My mother-in-law rarely goes out. If a man asks her out on a date, she just blows him off.
My mother-in-law is living in the past. She's forever leaving her back door open.
I'm not saying my mother-in-law is unattractive, but when her son was born, he needed eight lagers before he'd be breastfed.
My mother-in-law's gone green and is interested in energy conservation - the only time she ever moves is to pick up the phone and slag me off.
My mother-in-law has had her hands on more meat then Fred Elliott.
My mother-in-law invited me to dinner. I offered to bring a bottle of wine, but she just wanted me to get in cider.
The mother-in-law is always making verbal gaffes, she'll often be found with a foot in her mouth.
My mother-in-law has started a stint on the after dinner speaking circuit. She has to go on before dinner though; we have to respect the health and safety implications.
My mother-in-law, somewhat ironically, is a medium. Whenever she holds a séance, the spirit will enter her; after it's waited patiently in the queue.
My mother-in-law thinks she knows everything, except how to cross her legs.
My mother-in-law is so lazy, when I sleep with her; I always have to go on top.
I've never understood why people would choose to climb a mountain. The common response is 'because it's there'; well my mother-in-law is 'there', and I have no interest in getting on top of it.
I'm putting on weight. The only way I can see my penis is to get my mother-in-law to say 'aahh.'
My mother-in-law doesn't mind a joke; she can take it on the chin, although that area is already densely populated.
You can't get blood out of a stone, unless my mother-in-law is involved in the negotiation.
I would never raise a hand to my mother-in-law; she holds a considerable weight advantage.
Porn is getting weirder. I watched a man mate with a pig last night; or to use its official title, 'My mother-in-law's wedding night'
The only way I could be any happier is if Osama Bin Laden and my mother-in-law agree to a fight to the death, and it finished in a dead-heat.
My mother-in-law is putting on weight; she does love a greasy sausage.
My mother-in-law has a new boyfriend, he must be a necrophiliac.
My mother-in-law always acts with honour: well half of the retirement home are on her.
My mother-in-law has been passed around more than the ball at an Arsenal training session.
My mother-in-law has been filled in more often than an unemployment form in Liverpool.
My mother-in-law has had her hands on more tools than Bob the Builder.
The council are getting fed up with my mother-in-law. She had to be notified of any new erection in the area.
I'm not a believer in the theory of climate change. It has more holes than my mother-in-law's bedpost.
I believe that anything is possible, with the exception of my mother-in-law copulating.
The mother-in-law has seen more action than John Rambo.
My mother-in-law has disappeared up her own arse. I'm just surprised that she found the room.
I've put a few pictures of my mother-in-law up on Facebook. The old bill have charged me with distributing obscene material.
The mother-in-law recently won first place in a Carlos Tevez look-alike competition, finishing narrowly ahead of Carlos Tevez.
My mother-in-law only smokes after sex; she's stubbing more ash than Lee Chapman.
Don't believe everything you see in cartoons. A frying pan across the bonce does not lead to a hilarious flattened head that is quickly shaken off. My mother-in-law was in a coma for three weeks.
My mother-in-law was furious when I suggested she had a weight problem - she sent me a text that read, 'gbvsdfabdsb'.
My mother-in-law is like the sun, you should never look directly at her.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he still won't sleep with my mother-in-law.
An intellectual friend asked if I would kill a person to save another's life. I replied that I'd happily kill my mother-in-law to save a goldfish.
My mother-in-law is a terrible driver. She's often involved in a rear-ender.
My father-in-law is full of good advice: "Why go out for a burger, when you've got a fat cow at home."
My mother-in-law is starring in the new remake of the A-Team. She loves it when a flan comes together.
One of the old fellows at the retirement home is a Lothario, and has managed to bag my mother-in-law. I've got news for him; one bag is not enough.
My mother-in-law is always calling me lazy. I'd happily kick her out of the house, but I'd have to help her with her bags and ring a taxi...
My mother-in-law persuaded my wife to leave me. I'm over her now - I buried her in the patio.
My mother-in-law's a technophobe. She sold her television because a little fellow in the corner of the screen was making hand signals at her.
My mother-in-law is a game old bird. She says 'yes' more than the man from Del Monte.
When the wife and I are arguing, my mother-in-law always sits on the fence. I need a new fence.
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