The Sketch Competition: SCIENCE

So I forgot all about this. But what the hell. Here's this weeks results and new comp.

AND THE WINNER IS... swerytd! Well done.

THIS WEEKS LEADER BOARD:

1. 03 - swerytd
2. 02 - Andy W
3. 01 - charley rance
3. 01 - Paul Nash

CURRENT OVERALL LEADER BOARD:

Position - Points - Name
1. 09 - ShoePie
2. 08 - ajp29
3. 05 - Swerytd
3. 05 - David Chapman
4. 04 - Charley Rance
4. 04 - Andy W
5. 02 - Imamazed
5. 02 - Slack Bladder
5. 02 - Paul Nash
6. 01 - Daddy Maz
7. 00 - Everyone Else!

THE NEW TOPIC IS: SCIENCE

COMPETITION CLOSES WEDNESDAY MONDAY 7TH MAY.

Anyone can enter. One entry per person. You can edit or change your entry but you have until closing date to do so. Good luck! And may God and all his mighty powers be with you, amen.

Science?? OMG its a conspiracy. Hmmmmmm! What is science. Is biology a type of science?
Shoe shopping must be. That is so complicated it must be science. Can i do that, Huh huh can I. I dont know anything about bunsen burners other than not to light them then place them underneath your tutors lab coat.

You can be as vague as you want, just as long as there is at some point a mention of something to do with science.

I am bumping this so that it is seen. Gonna do mine today at some point.

Let me guess... biology?

Uhm ... it isn't clear to me (nothing is any more!) what one does with a 'sketch' on this topic ... assuming one has actually written one! Which forum section or whatever? Help!

Write a sketch with the theme of SCIENCE. Post it on here and in a week it'll be put to a vote along with everyone else's sketches, the one with the highest amount of votes wins.

EXAMPLE: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1211/2

Thanks Mr Leevil ...

Right here goes. Check out the boy's names, see if they seem familiar.
Oh and 1 girl.

A teacher with his class of 6 year olds.

TEACHER
Right children, today we are going to talk about Biology. Do any of you know what biology is.

Little Andy puts his hand up.

ANDY
Is it washing powder Sir

TEACHER
No Andy, that is biological. Biology, is what made you. Does anyone know where babies come from.

Little Lewis puts his hand up.

LEWIS
My mummy said I gave her a very sore fanny when I burst out of her Sir.

TEACHER
Well Lewis I have done Biology with your mummy, & I would have thought you would have glided out without touching the sides. Anyhoo what we need to know is how you got in Mummy’s tummy in the first place, not how you made your exit through the fire doors.

Lickle Anna puts her hands up.

ANNA
My mummy said a stork brought me to her Sir.

TEACHER
Anna your mummy is a terrible liar. Never trust a liar. I mean just look at the size of you now already. You wolf down 30 cakes a day. You must have weighed about 3 stone at birth. How can a small fragile bird like a stork hold your lardy arse in its beak.
Anyhoo so none of you know what biology is then. Dumbo’s the lot of you. Let me explain. When a man sees a pretty lady he gets excited, a little like you do when you think that made up santa is coming. Right when you are all big & strong & handsome like me, you get aroused, around women.. Does anyone know what aroused is.

Little Aaron puts up his hand.

TEACHER
Put your hand down Aaron you are so going to be a gayo. I am not doing gay biology today.

Little Zoooe puts her hand up

TEACHER
Zoooe no man will ever be aroused by you. You are the ugliest kid I ever ever met. UGLY. With that moustache the only man that may fancy you is Aaron.Get your hand down.

Little David puts his hand up

DAVID
Is aroused when you feel all warm & sticky Sir.

TEACHER
Noooooo! That’s called pissing your very own pants, which I know you do everyday.
Do you know what class I give up. Its like teaching nursery school. You all have the mindsets of 4years old. Its not Rocket science you know. Good God! (Teacher wipes his brow and shakes his head). I tell you what hand back those penthouse magazines. Lets all do what you all want to do. Never mind me. I am just the one in charge here. Right any ideas on what lessen you would like to be given today.

Little Leevil puts his hand up

Leevil
Can I be given my Penthouse back Sir, All this talk has got me so aroused I need to sneak off to the loo & knock one out.

Look, it's a device propelled by ejection of matter especially by the high velocity ejection of the gasseous combustion products produced by internal ignition of solid or liquid fuels. It's not Rocket Science.....

Oh hang on a minute. Yes that IS Rocket Science.

You wewe your pants little David. Did you see that. LOL. Have I gone too far with this. It's just that if I was a teacher thats exactly how i would teach.

I'm sure you've taught a few in your time.

Right, sorry I've not posted anything for awhile, I'll try to stop being such a bad person and input more real soon.

Not sure if this qualifies, as its kind of more science fiction than science fact, anyhow, here it goes....

HEART OF DARKNESS

INT. MEDICAL DECK, SPACE SHIP – NIGHT

CCTV MONITOR: A MAN IN A HOSPITAL SMOCK SITS ON A BARE BED, PENSIVELY ROCKING BACK AND FORTH. THIS IS ROBERTS.

ANXIOUSLY WATCHING THE MONITOR ARE TWO MEDICAL STAFF CURRUTHERS AND MICHAELS.

CURRUTHERS
I’m just not sure Michaels. Not sure at all. Can a man go through temporal void to a parallel universe and face sights of unimaginable terror and evil, and then – and then come back sane?

THEY LOOK BACK AT THE MONITOR.

CCTV MONITOR: ROBERTS PACES BACK AND FORTH, SHAKING HIS HEAD AND MUTTERING TO HIMSELF.

MICHAELS
True, true – he seems normal enough – considering. All the brain scans came back fine. But will we ever know for sure? The things Roberts must have seen – out there – no man should have to go through that, to –

CURRUTHERS GRABS HIS ARM.

CURRUTHERS
Roberts! He’s gone!

THEY BOTH STARE OPEN MOUTHED AT THE CCTV MONITOR – THERE’S NO SIGN OF HIM.
THEY SOUND THE ALARM.

MICHAELS
(To Com)
Lock down! Lock down!

THERE’S A SOUND FROM BEHIND. THEY SPIN AROUND POISED TO ATTACK…

A WILD-EYED ROBERTS IS BEHIND THEM, HOLDING A SHARP KNIFE.

BEAT. THE TENSION MOUNTS.

ROBERTS
(Clears his throat)
Cup a tea?

CURRUTHERS AND MICHAELS STARE AT THE KNIFE. ROBERTS FOLLOWS THEIR EYE LINE.

ROBERTS
… and some cake?

CURRUTHERS AND MICHAELS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND NOD SUSPICIOUSLY.

ROBERTS CHEERFULLY WHISTLES AS HE BREWS SOME TEA IN AN OLD-SCHOOL TEA POT. HE CUTS GENEROUS SLICES OF CAKE FOR THEM ALL. HE SITS DOWN, MAKES HIMSELF COMFORTABLE AND LOUDLY SUPS HIS TEA.

MICHAELS TIMIDLY SIPS HIS TEA. BEAT.

MICHAELS
So, Roberts… how are you feeling?

ROBERTS
Hmmm? Me? Oh, OK. A bit tired, I guess. But can’t complain really.

CURRUTHERS
Do you want to talk about it?

ROBERTS
Oh – I see. You mean the evil parallel universe I spent 5 years of mind-bending, utter terror and soul-wrenching turmoil in? Where I couldn’t tell up from down? Left from right? And where each waking moment was filled with the terrible dread that I had somehow damned all those I love?

MICHAELS AND CURRUTHERS NOD (ALMOST TOO EAGERLY).

MICHAELS
Well… yes.

ROBERTS
Yeah, it was awful, I suppose, if that’s your kind of thing. To be honest all that never-ending pain and horror got a little dull after awhile…

ROBERTS ABRUPTLY STANDS UP STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW, AND THROWS HIS MUG AT THE WALL, ENRAGED.

ROBERTS
F**k!

ROBERTS COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR, HEAD IN HANDS. ROCKING BACK AND FORTH.

ROBERTS
Shit. Shit…

CURRUTHERS
Flashback, right?

ROBERTS
Shit… No! No – I forgot to tape the Lovejoy repeats!

JOLLY (AND NERVOUS) LAUGHTER ALL ROUND. ROBERTS STILL FUMES.

Charley in your sketch the teacher slept with my mum, thanks for making it become clear, i now know how i got two B's in science at school, i liked Paul Nash's sketch nice ending.

charley you captured me perfectly, it's like looking in a mirror... and cracking one out.