Skit Comp 22.2-3.3.10

Good stuff once more but ultimate congrats to... SCRATCYR for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Scratchyr
2 - 5 - AngieBaby, James, Gerry McDonnell
1 - 1 - Stephen Birch, Kasm, Timbo
Speckled menshun: Steve

Your new subject: DISCOVERY
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3.3.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

116 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
104 - Mr Sunshine
103 - Frankie
102 - Otterfox
98 - Fred Peters
88 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Michael Monkhouse
77 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
58 - Kasm
47 - Scratchyr
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Gerry McDonnell
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Angiebaby
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - James
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - James
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Alex Mahon
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

WILBERFORCE: Mummy, why is your tummy SO big?

MUMMY: Well, Wilby, it's because I've got a baby inside me.

WILBERFORCE: Gosh mummy, where did you get it from?

MUMMY: Daddy gave it to me, Wilby.

WILBERFORCE: Looking pensive Wilby wanders out to the front garden.

DADDY comes home from work.

WILBERFORCE: Daddy, daddy, daddy, did you give mummy a baby, daddy?

DADDY: Slightly embarassed but looking proud: Why yes, Wilby, I did.

WILBERFORCE: Well she's eaten the little f**ker. Don't give her another one!

INT. PACKED PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY

A NERDY LOOKING SCIENTIST IS ADDRESSING A GROUP OF REPORTERS

NERD:
I can confirm that the rumours are true; we have definitive proof of extra-terrestrial life.

THE CROWD MURMUR LOUDLY

PRESSMAN 1:
What is this proof?

NERD:
You can see for yourself.

THE NERD DRAWS A CURTAIN TO SHOW THE GROUP A LARGE BLUE ALIEN FORM

THE CROWD GASPS IN DISBELIEF

PRESSMAN 2:
My God, what is it?

NERD:
It's a life-form from a very distant planet. It's slimy and blue, so we've called it 'Cameron'.

PRESSMAN 3:
How did it end up here?

NERD:
Well it's guesswork on our part, but we think that the alien was looking for intelligent life, and crashed here before he found it.

PRESSMAN 4:
Can it talk?

NERD:
It can communicate on a very basic, rudimentary, primitive level. Can't you, Cameron?

CAMERON:
Och aye, nae bother.

PRESSMAN 5:
Cameron, are your species responsible for all the abductions that have been reported?

CAMERON:
Yes, we are. We just wanted to chat though; the anal probe was the Welsh girls' idea.

PRESSMAN 6:
Did you breed with any of our women?

CAMERON:
No, we didn't abduct enough lager while we were here.

PRESSMAN 7:
Cameron, is there a secret to life, a reason why we're all here?

CAMERON:
There is. The truth is that you're all here on Earth as a result of...

A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT

NICK GRIFFIN
Got the blue bastard.

CAUGHT BY THE BUZZ

Enter DAVE, a cool geeze. He ambles over to his computer, switches it on:

DAVEo, what's in my inbox today?... 'Important news: Check your phone'.

Okay... (ambles over, picks up phone) 'Check skype'. Okay... (returns to

computer) 'Check Website'. Okay... 'Check Facebook.' (CLICK!) 'Go to

Youtube.' (CLICK!) 'See MySpace, msn' (CLICK, CLICK!) 'Check fax...'

He scurries over, CLICK!

DAVE: 'Log onto msn,' - Jeeze...

He leaps back, CLICK!

DAVE: 'Access Linked In, Twitter...' (MUZAK!) 'Check Napster, webcam, web-ring,

forums...' (MUZAK!!!) 'Check telex'...

He bounds back...

DAVE: 'Check homepage.'

He flurries back...

DAVE: 'Transfer to inbox' - God - 'Important news: Gmail have opened Buzz.' Great!

EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND

A group of plane crash survivors are on a tropical island.

A chopper flys overhead and opens fire, killing them all instantly.

CAPTION: Some things are better left undiscovered.

END

INT. CAVE. DAY

A THIN, ADOLESCENT BEAR, TONY, LIES UNCONSCIOUS ON HIS FRONT WITH KNEES DRAWN UP UNDER HIM. SAT BESIDE HIM IS BRIAN, ANOTHER YOUNG BEAR WHO IS A LOT FATTER. BRIAN STARES DEJECTEDLY DOWN AT HIS MATE, BUT SUDDENLY HEAVES HIMSELF TO HIS FEET, RUBBING HIS EYES IN AWE AS TONY BEGINS TO STIR

BRIAN
Tony! You're... you're alive.

TONY (groggily)
Blimey, I've got the mother of all headaches.

BRIAN
I can't believe you're not dead. I thought you'd been struck down like the others. Thank Ursa Major.

TONY
Where's Frank? Where's the whole colony?

BRIAN
I told you - struck down by some mystery illness. They're all... gone.

TONY
Gone? What are you... bloody hell, you've piled on the pounds, haven't you mate? You're supposed to lose weight when you hibernate.

BRIAN
When you what?

TONY
You know... sleep for months.

BRIAN
Sleep? You think I could have slept, with all the worry?

TONY
What worry?

BRIAN
About... everyone.

TONY
You mean, you stayed awake? All winter? You must have been freezing! How did you keep warm, you dozey pratt? Hey... what's that?

TONY SEES A LARGE FUR COAT HANGING ON THE WALL BEHIND BRIAN

BRIAN (Looks a little embarrassed as he sidles across to obstruct Tony's view)
Don't know what you mean.

TONY
On the wall. The coat made of fur.. Furank! That's bloody Frank. What have you done?!

BRIAN
Me? Nothing. He... erm, died.

TONY
Died? He was f**king hibernating - like all normal bears do! Didn't your parents teach you anything?

BRIAN
I forget things.

TONY
Well, how did he die?

BRIAN
He, um... fell off a cliff?

TONY
A cliff? But, I saw him curl up in the corner, just before I nodded off!

BRIAN
Well, maybe he... was sleep-walking. Anyway, I thought... you know, he wasn't going to be needing it, so...

TONY
I don't bloody believe this. Where did you bury him?

BRIAN LOOKS NERVOUS AND BEGINS SIDLING OVER THE OTHER WAY TO BLOCK TONY'S VIEW OF A HUGE PILE OF BONES IN THE CORNER OF THE CAVE.

BRIAN
Bury? Hmm, now let me see if I can remember...

TONY (spotting the bones)
Ursa H Minor! You ate him? You ate bloody Frank? What are you going to tell Doreen? They've been together for...

BRIAN SHUFFLES HIS FEET IN EMBARRASSMENT AND TONY SUDDENLY LOOKS DOWN BEFORE SCRAMBLING BACKWARDS

TONY (Cont'd)
What are you wearing on your feet?

BRIAN
Now calm down, Tony. I was confused. Doreen... well, everyone seemed to have been hit with this mystery death-bug. How was I to know you were all hinderbating or whatever you were bloody doing? No one told me!

TONY STANDS UP AND STARTS RUBBING HIS TEMPLES

TONY
How could you have done it? How could you have eaten two of the crew? Two of our mates.

BRIAN (Apologetic)
I was starving. You don't know how long it's been.

TONY SEES A LONG ROW OF SCRATCHES ON THE WALL OF THE CAVE.

TONY
Well, I can see you were keeping count. How many days was it?

BRIAN (Uncertain)
Days? How would I know? (Quickly back-tracking) Oh, yes - good, that's what I was counting with those marks - days, not bea... not anything else.

TONY'S JAW DROPS

TONY
Tell me those aren't the whole lot of... You ate them all?

BRIAN
I... I was starving. I felt so empty inside.

TONY
I bet you don't feel so f**king empty now, do you?

BRIAN
Don't, Tony. I made a mistake, I know it was wrong, but I'd never have eaten you, honest. You're the best mate I've ever had. I saved you.

TONY
Saved me?!

TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOWERS HIMSELF TO SIT ON THE FLOOR BUT SUDDENLY JUMPS UP AGAIN BEFORE REACHING BEHIND HIM AND REMOVING AN ONION FROM HIS BOTTOM. A FEW SPRIGS OF SAGE FALL FROM IT. TONY FROWNS UP AT BRIAN.

BRIAN
Saved you... till last.

SFX
BRIAN'S STOMACH RUMBLES

BRIAN (looking at his stomach)
Shut up you lot.

END

ANCIENT GREECE.

ARCHIMEDES IS RUNNING HIMSELF A BATH.

ARCHIMEDES TURNS OFF THE WATER AND AS HE STEPS INTO THE BATH, HE GLANCES DOWNWARDS.

ARCHIMEDES: (shouting)
Verruca!

END

SCENE - UNIVERSITY LECTURE HALL

A MAD PROFESSOR TYPE IS SPRAWLED ACROSS A DESK WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, WHO IS MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HIM.

HE SUDDENLY PUSHES HER ASIDE AND GRABS A PIECE OF CHALK

MAD PROF: I've got it! I've got it!

WOMAN: Well, you didn't get it from me.

END

EXT. THE OCEAN. OLD NAVAL GALLEON DECK. DAY.

THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP (CAPT) IS PROUDLY SURVEYING HIS SHIP AND CREW WITH HIS FIRST MATE (EDWARDS).

CAPT:
Fine day to be at sea Edwards. We cannot be far now. Glory awaits.

A VOICE SHOUTS FROM THE CROW'S NEST.

VOICE:
Man Onboard, Man Onboard.

CAPT:
Is it my imagination or do we have a new lookout?

EDWARDS:
Yes Captain.

VOICE:
Sea Ahoy!

CAPT:
Lose the halfwit Edwards, there's a good fellow.

END.

A particularly long and boring entry especially for Bush Baby

SCENE 1
INT. A VICTORIAN LABORATORY

DR DENVERS
(FRUSTRATED)
NO NO NO!

ASSISTANT
(CONCERNED)
WHATEVER IS THE MATTER DOCTOR?

DR DENVERS
AFTER YEARS OF SEARCHING I HAVE FINALLY CREATED A DELICIOUS BREAKFAST CEREAL, BUT DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS I CANNOT HALT THE INFERNAL SNAP, CRACKLE AND POPPING OF MY "RICE CRISPIES"

ASSISTANT
((EXCITED)
BUT MAYBE

DR DENVERS
(RESIGNED)
NO, IT IS NO GOOD LAD, SUCH A RACKET WOULD TERRIFY THE YOUNG AND INFURIATE THEIR DOTING MOTHERS - IT WOULD NEVER SELL!

ASSISTANT
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
WHAT IF?

DR DENVERS
(INTERRUPTING)
NO MORE! GET IT AWAY, GET IT ALL AWAY; IT IS AN ABONIMATION TO THINE EYES!

*THE DOCTOR HURLS THE BOWL ACROSS THE ROOM, KICKS THE ASSISTANT AND WALKS OUT. THE ASSISTANT GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES TO CLEAR UP THE MESS*

SCENE 2
INT. A VICTORIAN LABORATORY

DR DENVERS
(FRUSTRATED)
OH LORD WHY DO YOU FRUSTRATE YOUR POOR SERVANT!

ASSISTANT
(CONCERNED)
WHATEVER IS THE MATTER DOCTOR?

DR DENVERS
YET AGAIN FATE DENIES ME MY UTOPIAN CEREAL DREAM! SEE, AS I ADD THE MILK TO MY "COCOA POPS" THE LIQUID TURNS A DARK AND SULLEN HUE

*SO SAYING THE DR PUTS HIS THEORY TO THE TEST AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AS THE INEVITABLE COLOURING OCCURS ONCE AGAIN*

ASSISTANT
(EXCITED)
BUT MAYBE

DR DENVERS
(RESIGNED)
IT IS NO GOOD LAD SUCH A TRANSFORMATION WOIULD TERRIFY THE YOUNG AND INFURIATE THEIR DOTING MOTHERS - IT WOULD NEVER SELL!

ASSISTANT
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
WHAT IF?

DR DENVERS
(INTERRUPTING)
NO MORE! GET IT AWAY, GET IT ALL AWAY; IT IS AN ABOMINATION TO THINE EYES!

*THE DOCTOR HURLS THE BOWL ACROSS THE ROOM, KICKS THE ASSISTANT NOTICABLY HARDER THAN BEFORE AND WALKS OUT. THE ASSISTANT BEGINS CLEANING UP THE MESS*

SCENE 3
INT. MODERN SUPERMARKET.

* THE DOCTOR, DRESSED IN VICTORIAN GARB, IS STROLLING THE AISLES WITH A TROLLEY. HE STARTS DOWN ONE MARKED "CEREALS". WE SEE HIS EYES NARROW AND HE TAKES A BOX FROM THE SHELF. WE SEE IT IS LABELLED "RICE CRISPIES" THE DOCTOR LOOKS CONFUSED AS HE SCANS THE BOX. SUDDENLY HIS EYES ARE DRAWN TO SOMETHING ELSE AND HE DROPS THE CONTAINER OPEN MOUTHED.

HE PICKS OUT A YELLOW BOX AND LOOKS CURIOUSLY AT THE MONKEY ON THE FRONT UNDER THE WORDS "COCOA POPS". THE DOCTOR BECOMES AWARE OF SHOPPERS PILING BOXES INTO THEIR TROLLEYS. SUDDENLY HE NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE BOX. THE DOCTOR DROPS TO HIS KNEES IN HORROR AND WE CONTINUE TO HEAR HIS CRIES *

DR DENVERS
(SCREAMING IN HORROR)
GET IT AWAY, GET IT ALL AWAY, FOR IT IS AN ABOMINATION TO THINE EYES!!

* THE CAMERA HOMES IN ON THE MAKERS NAME ON ONE OF THE BOXES WHILE THE DOCTOR SCREAMS. FAINT LAUGHTER CAN BE HEARD. THE LAUGHTER GROWS AS THE SCREAMS FADE OUT. THE BOXES ALSO FADE OUT WITH THE CAMERA STILL FOCUSIING ON THE NAME "KELLOGGS"

THE NAME "KELLOGGS" IS STILL IN SHOT BUT IS NOW ON A NAME BADGE. AS THE CAMERA PANS OUT WE SEE THE NAME BADGE IS ON A WHITE LAB COAT BEING WORN BY THE ASSISTANT. WE SEE THAT IT IS THE ASSISTANT WHO IS LAUGHING.

THE ASSISTANT IS SAT IN A LARGE DEEP LEATHER CHAIR. HE HAS TWO VERY LARGE CHINESE WOMEN SAT ON HIS LAP WEARING NOTHING BUT BIKINIS, SPOON FEEDING HIM FROM CEREAL BOWLS.

AS THE LAUGHING CONTINUES ONE OF THE WOMEN HOLDS A CEREAL BOWL UP TO HIS EAR AND HIS LAUGH INTENSIFIES AS HE HEARS THE NOISE IT MAKES. THE OTHER WOMAN CONTINUES FEEDING HIM AND CHOCOLATE COLOURED MILK GUSHES DOWN HIS CHIN, ONTO HIS LAB COAT AND OVER THE GIRLS.

HIS LAUGH BECOMES MANIACAL AS THE GIRLS DAB UP THE EXCESS FLUID WITH PILES OF CASH *

ENDS

PHILOSOPHER
I've discovered an amazing secret.

SCIENTIST
What is it?

PHILOSOPHER
You won't believe it.

SCIENTIST
Go on, tell me.

PHILOSOPHER
I've discovered the secret of universal happiness. I know how to make everybody in the world happy.

SCIENTIST
Everyone? Every single person?

PHILOSOPHER
Yes. I've discovered how to make every last person on this planet fantastically happy. Men, women and children. Young and old. Everyone will be healthy, happy and fulfilled.

SCIENTIST
This sounds too good to be true, what's the catch?

PHILOSOPHER
The catch is that one person won't be happy: me. It will work for everyone except me.

SCIENTIST
Tell me the secret!

PHILOSOPHER
Actually, I think it's probably best if I keep it to myself.

Just a quickie from me this time...

WE SEE A MALE & FEMALE ARCHAEOLOGIST KNEELING DOWN EXAMINING SOMETHING OUT OF VIEW.

MARCUS:
Now this is quite interesting.

JULIETTE:
Interesting? Interesting? It's not just interesting, this is without doubt the single most Important artefact that has ever been discovered.

MARCUS:
It's definitely the best thing we've found this week, I'll give you that.

JULIETTE:
Don't you understand the implications? Look at it! This single handedly changes everything we know about everything, It's incredible .

MARCUS:
Oh yeah.. I see what you mean, Crikey that is pretty good as it goes.

JULIETTE:
Pretty good? What we see before us not only disproves all religion but also reveals the entire purpose of Humanity.

MARCUS:
Yeah well you say that, but...

JULIETTE:
Every Book on the subject might as well be thrown away.

MARCUS:
Well let's not be too hasty....

JULIETTE:
What are you talking about?

MARCUS:
Well It's just that, well y'know.. I wrote some of those books myself

JULIETTE:
Marcus! We are talking about the very origins of man, the meaning of life if you will.

MARCUS:
No You are talking about the origins of man, I'm talking about my best selling books.

JULIETTE:
So what are you saying exactly? Are you suggesting we don't tell anyone about this?

MARCUS:
I'm just asking if we can wait a little while that's all
until they announce the Nobel literature prize winner, or until my latest book sells out in Smiths.

JULIETTE:
Oh not this again..

MARCUS:
To be honest Julie I wish we'd never found this lost city, it's been nothing but trouble.

JULIETTE:
I'm amazed by your attitude quite frankly
We stand here witness to the greatest discovery in the whole history of mankind and you are more concerned about how your books are selling.

MARCUS:
Not just my books, your books are selling quite well last time I checked.

JULIETTE:
Really? Oh well that's quite... hold on that's not the point & you know it!

MARCUS:
All I'm saying is that there's no need to complicate things, why change a perfectly good story just for the sake of it.

JULIETTE:
We could always write some new books you know, there's so much new information we have now.

MARCUS:
Yeah, we could go to the effort of writing new books I suppose....

JULIETTE: (SIGHS)
Shall I just put this with the rest then.

MARCUS:
I think that's best

THEY WRAP SOMETHING IN A BLANKET AND CARRY IT OVER TO A LARGE BAG FROM WHICH WE CAN SEE A UNICORNS HEAD & A GIANTS FOOT PROTRUDING.

JULIETTE:
So my books are selling quite well are they?

PATIENT
Doctor, doctor! Every time someone speaks to me it sounds like they get louder at the end of their sentence.

DOCTOR
Hmm, how strange are these people all Australian?

PATIENT
No. Not one of them.

DOCTOR
Well, it appears you have an ear inflection.

PATIENT
Alright, there's no need to shout.

DOCTOR:
What seems to be the problem?

SUE:
I can't sleep, can't eat.

DOCTOR:
When did this start?

SUE:
Sunday morning.

DOCTOR:
OK...

SUE:
Then I discovered these bumps on my neck.

DOCTOR:
Let's have a look.
<CHECKS SUE'S NECK>
Were you at that new nightclub on Saturday night?

SUE:
Errr, yeah.

DOCTOR:
Invite a pale, yet strangely attractive guy back to yours?

SUE:
Oh my god! It's not an STD is it?

DOCTOR:
No, but it is bad news.

SUE:
Tell me straight.

DOCTOR:
You're a vampire.

SUE:
What? A vampire?

DOCTOR:
Yes, you've got 'Bloodsucker by proxy'. There's a lot of it going round at the moment.

SUE:
You can't be serious.

DOCTOR:
Deadly, or 'Undeadly' in your case.

SUE:
Why me?

DOCTOR:
Well, you need to take a long hard long at yourself.

SUE:
I've got no reflection!

DOCTOR:
Look on the bright side.

SUE:
I can't, it burns my skin.

DOCTOR:
At worst, you'll live for another thousand years, provided you get plenty of human blood.

SUE:
Can I get a prescription for that?

DOCTOR:
Not anymore, NHS cutbacks!

SUE:
But I've got BUPA.

DOCTOR:
Well, why didn't you say so?
<RELEASES COLLAR AND EXPOSES NECK>
Here, have a suck on that.

SUE:
Aren't you scared I'll bleed you dry?

DOCTOR:
I was going to ask you the same thing.

ELEMENT 112

A science lab in Germany.

GERMAN SCIENTIST 1:
Professor Hofmann, we've done it - we've fused zinc and lead to create super-heavy element 112! Now all we have to do is come up with a name!

PROF HOFMANN:
Ah yes! And I propose to recognise this great German achievement with the name of our greatest hero: Hasselhofnium.

GERMAN SCIENTIST 1:
Wunderbar, professor!

GERMAN SCIENTIST 2:
Hmm... sorry to sour your sauerkraut, but isn't there a danger of confusion with element 72, Hofnium?

PROF HOFMANN:
Scheiss! I suppose you're right. In that case, let's just name it after our glorious country!

GERMAN SCIENTIST 1:
Fantastische, professor! This could be the best scientific marketing since they came up with the name "poppers" for amyl nitrate!

GERMAN SCIENTIST 2:
Hmm... it's good but it's nitrite. And there's already a Germanium in the periodic table at number 32, see? Just before arsenic.

PROF HOFMANN:
They named an element after an arse?

GERMAN SCIENTIST 1:
Those crazy English and their toiletten humour! Very Jeremy Clarkson!

PROF HOFMANN:
That's it! I love the Top Gear on BBC World! Let's call it Jeremyclarksonium!

GERMAN SCIENTIST 2:
I don't want to topple your tannenbaum professor but they won't allow two elements to be named after arses. Anyway, Jeremyclarksonium sounds long-winded and unscientific - like Jeremy Clarkson.

PROF HOFMANN:
Okay, what other ideas have we got?

GERMAN SCIENTIST 1:
Darwinium?

PROF HOFMANN:
Gott in Himmel! I am so sick of Darwin! You'd think all the fuss would have died out by now. Isn't there anything else we could use?

GERMAN SCIENTIST 2:
Well, the English are saying we should name it after Copernicus...

PROF HOFMANN:
Copernicium? I quite like it. But why would the English suggest that?

GERMAN SCIENTIST 2:
It's obvious really. Copernicus was Polish, just like half the English.

END