One of the first sketches I posted IRCC. A few changes here and there, thanks to a number of recommendations.
INT. ULTRASOUND ROOM - DAY
NURSE RANDALL (MAN DRESSED AS A WOMAN) WALKS IN AND INTRODUCES HERSELF TO A YOUNG (MID 20's) COUPLE.
NURSE RANDALL
If you could just hop on to the bed for me, please.
[AMY GETS ON TO THE BED] Thanks, just pull the top off your tummy, could you? I'm going to need to put some gel on you.
AMY
Oh right, thanks. [AMY PULLS HER TOP UP; THE NURSE SQUIRTS A LOT OF GEL ON TO THE PATIENT'S STOMACH].
ROBERT
(JOKINGLY) If you put anymore on you might drown the baby!
THE NURSE LOOKS AT HIM UNAMUSED AND SNORTS.
NURSE RANDALL
Right, let's get this rubbed in shall we?
THE NURSE USES HER HAND TO CARESS AMY'S STOMACH SOFTLY.
NURSE
Is it going to be your first child?
AMY
Yeah, we're both really nervous because it's all so new to us, but fingers crossed everything goes ok!
NURSE RANDALL
I was meant to have my first child recently. [NURSE LOOKS DOWN WISTFULLY, STILL RUBBING AMY'S TUMMY; THERE IS AN AWKWARD DELAY/SILENCE; SHE LOOKS UP ABRUPTLY, NOW WITH AN EXAGGERATEDLY CHEERY EXPRESSION] Ok, let's get this show on the road then, shall we?!
ROBERT AND AMY EXCHANGE WORRIED LOOKS.
AMY
Well, shouldn't we wait for the doctor to get here?
NURSE RANDALL
What, don't you trust me?!
AMY
Yes, yes of course we do, it's just the doctor is meant to do it.
NURSE RANDALL
Well, he's not here now is he?
NURSE BEGINS TO GLIDE THE ULTRASOUND OVER AMY'S STOMACH; SHE STARTS PUSHING IT IN TO AMY HARDER AND HARDER.
AMY
Ow! You're hurting me!
NURSE RANDALL
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, sorry dear!
ROBERT
Look, I think we should just wait for the doctor.
NURSE RANDALL
NO...do you want to know the sex of your baby?
ROBERT
Err...well, we were discussing it the other day and we decided we'd wait, keep it as a bit of a surpr...
NURSE RANDALL
[INTERJECTING]...it's a girl. [TAKES DELIGHT]
THE COUPLE ARE AGHAST.
ROBERT
Right, come on we're leaving.
HE GRABS AMY'S HAND AND SHE MOTIONS TO GET UP; THE NURSE PUSHES AMY DOWN BY HER STILL BARE STOMACH.
NURSE RANDALL
(DESPERATELY) You can't leave. We haven't finished.
ROBERT
No, this really isn't on and you've just spoilt the surprise for us.
NURSE RANDALL
I was only joking. It's not really a girl.
AMY
Oh right, so it's a boy then?!
NURSE RANDALL
Well, that's you who's spoilt it now isn't it? Look, just let me finish the procedure, you're all prepared and I've got the equipment set up.
NURSE RUNS THE ULTRASOUND OVER AMY AGAIN; THE COUPLE WATCH HER INTENTLY; ALL OF A SUDDEN THE NURSE CHUCKLES TO HERSELF.
ROBERT
Why are you laughing?
NURSE RANDALL
There's no heart beat!
AMY
What?!
NURSE RANDALL
I'm afraid the only option available is to perform an emergency caesarean.
AMY
But I'm only 12 weeks pregnant!
NURSE RANDALL
Do you want this baby to live or not?!
ROBERT
(DISBELIEVING) How exactly do you plan on saving the baby if it hasn't got a heart beat?
NURSE RANDALL
We need to cut the baby out so I can give him mouth-to-mouth.
ROBERT
Right, we're definitely going now!
THE NURSE FLOPS ON TO AMY'S STOMACH AND SOBS.
NURSE RANDALL
No little baby, don't let them take you from me again.
ENTER DR AMBROSE
DR AMBROSE
Hell...[HE SEES THE NURSE SOBBING ON THE WORRIED PATIENT'S STOMACH] oh no, not again! [HE WALKS UP TO THE NURSE AND HOLDS HER SOFTLY BY THE SIDES; SHE RISES; HOLDING ON TO HIM] Come on now, go to the mess room and sort yourself out. [HE USHERS HER OUT]
NURSE RANDALL
[SHE LOOKS BACK AT THE COUPLE] I'll get my baby back one day, whatever it takes. [EXIT NURSE]
DR AMBROSE
I'm terribly sorry. She hadn't got the knife out yet had she?
ROBERT
Knife?!
DR AMBROSE
[HE CHUCKLES] Hmm, she has a bit of a history.
ROBERT
What, so she's done this before then?
DR AMBROSE
Oh yes! We would fire her but it would mean filling out a lot of paperwork and...well, I can't be bothered. [THE COUPLE EXCHANGE DISPLEASED LOOKS; DR PICKS UP THE ULTRASOUND] Let's get you ready then shall we? [HE RUBS HER STOMACH WITH HIS HAND] Oo, very dry. [HE SPITS ON TO HER STOMACH]
ROBERT
Couldn't you have used the gel?
DR AMBROSE
Oh no, it's easier this way. [HE RUBS THE SPIT IN TO HER STOMACH WITH THE ULTRASOUND] How many weeks pregnant are you?
AMY
Only 12 weeks, and we know how much can go wrong so...
DR AMBROSE
It is a very big baby for 12 wee...Hang on. One, two, three, four, five, six... oh my god?! You're having a spider! [HE RECOILS AND WIPES HIS HANDS ON HIS LAB COAT]
WIFE
[SHE LOOKS AT THE ULTRASOUND SCREEN] Are you sure it's not twins?
DR AMBROSE
Oh yes. Congratulations!
END OF SKETCH