Lotsa good lines but I'd tighten it up a little. Less is more and all that!
New Standup Page 2
Hi Jon,
Just had a glance at your material. The re-write is much snappier, although it's a shame you've deleted the Google part. I reckon one element of the Google piece is a sure-fire crowd-pleaser.
If you can trot out the protracted version of Google's address [without drawing breath?], your audience will appreciate your attention to detail and admire your delivery. Keep it in.
Cheers guys,
I'm re-writing it all with a bit more story involved.
Thanks for the feedback, I'll post it up here once I'm happy with it for you all to pick apart (in a good way)!
Quote: Jon Pearson @ February 18 2010, 1:35 PM GMTGirls, they struggle with nicknames, you can't call a girl much really;
Sticky Vicky, she was at school with me, that nickname never went down well, but she did, hence the name...
I'd get rid of the hence the name, leave it at but she did. Noticed a couple of times you draw attention to the joke, in terms of - that's the joke everybody, did you get it, did you get it.
But I ain't a stand up.
Hi Jon, can only really re-iterate what most of the other people are saying, less is more, any words that serve no purpose in either the set up or the punchline need to be ditched, you need to ruthlessly edit.
Remember jokes don't have to conform to correct grammar or the usual conventions of conversation, you don't need the "bridging" sentences that you would in normal life, feel free to go from joke to joke without the need for them.
I find now, after 6 years of gigging, that what would've been 5 minutes of material when I started out is about 1 minute of jokes. Watch the top stand ups and you'll see that barely a single word is wasted.
Print out your routine and mark in red pen, or highlighter, where you think you are going to get laughs, then if there are big gaps between the laughs you need to rearrange your set or rewrite those bits so that the red/highlit bits are much closer together (once you've got a laugh it's much easier to get a second laugh in the next few seconds, so use this to build up momentum, don't give them time to stop laughing for too long).
Lastly, the only way you can truly find out if it's funny is to put it out there in front of an audience, book in some gigs and give it a go, but firstly make sure you know your routine inside out, when you are nervous the last thing you want to be worrying about is remembering your jokes.
Good luck and make sure you enjoy yourself cos if you don't the audience won't.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 2 2010, 11:19 AM GMTHi Jon, can only really re-iterate what most of the other people are saying, less is more, any words that serve no purpose in either the set up or the punchline need to be ditched, you need to ruthlessly edit.
Cheers tony, thanks for taking a look. I'm going through that process now
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 2 2010, 11:19 AM GMTPrint out your routine and mark in red pen, or highlighter, where you think you are going to get laughs, then if there are big gaps between the laughs you need to rearrange your set or rewrite those bits so that the red/highlit bits are much closer together (once you've got a laugh it's much easier to get a second laugh in the next few seconds, so use this to build up momentum, don't give them time to stop laughing for too long).
Shockinglythat's EXACTLY what I'm doing now, on other recommendations I am highlighting the funnys and seeing how big a gap there is between laughs.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 2 2010, 11:19 AM GMTLastly, the only way you can truly find out if it's funny is to put it out there in front of an audience, book in some gigs and give it a go, but firstly make sure you know your routine inside out, when you are nervous the last thing you want to be worrying about is remembering your jokes.
Good luck and make sure you enjoy yourself cos if you don't the audience won't.
Yeah,that's what I'm doing, I'm currently on a 5-6week course that is ending in a showcase in front of REAL people! 
Again thanks for reading and giving advice, its really helping
Quote: Jon Pearson @ March 2 2010, 11:26 AM GMTYeah,that's what I'm doing, I'm currently on a 5-6week course that is ending in a showcase in front of REAL people!
Who's hosting the course?
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 2 2010, 11:30 AM GMTWho's hosting the course?
Liam Jones