New Standup

Here is the start of a new standup set I'm writing, its been awhile in the making, and as the forum is now back up its given me a little time to re-write some sections of it. So read, critique, hurt, mamed, but try and be a little gently!

Good Evening,

My name is Jon, or Jonathan if you're my mother, which leads me nicely onto nicknames....
So, you have the boy nicknames which are pretty much your name or surname with an "O" on the end, not really shortening anything there: Deano, Daveo, Smitho, Johno. Or an embarrassing story, like my mate Swampy (he still pisses the bed after a night out).

But girls they struggle with nicknames, you can't call a girl much really; Lucyo, Saraho, Joo (pronounce Jew). The same rule doesn't really work.

Sticky Vicky, she was at school with me, that nickname never went down well, but she did, hence the name...

So I'm not a fan of girls having nicknames, kind of makes them sound stupid, or lesbian. I'm also not a fan of pointless abbreviations, acronyms and" text speak".

WOZ this is my favourite, W O Z, instead of WAS, W A S, what's the f**king point, it's the same sodding length!
L8er.... Makes sense, sort of, in that if you miss out the a & t it works phonetically. But you wouldn't use it in other words, L A T E R, substitute the L for a W and you get water . But you wouldn't text "C U l8ter by the w8ter" because they'd expect you to meet them in a restaurant.

Web Abbreviation these do get my goat.
World Wide Web, go on say it, World Wide Web, count the syllables... 3. We shorten this to WWW, now say WWW, count the syllable... 9... Yes 9! How the f**k is that abbreviating anything!
Would it sound weird to tell someone your web address as world wide web dot Google dot co dot uk - YES, but we're fine with wasting time by "shortening" something to take longer to say!
Why does it not annoy anyone that we use a mix of single letter and words when saying an internet address? http://www.google.co.uk should be: hyper text terminal protocol colon slash slash world wide web period g o o g l e period c o period u k OR http(pronounce it phonetically) colon slash slash, www period g o o g l e period c o period u k(pronounce phonetically)

Laughing acronyms - This winds me up a little as well, what does it all mean? I think I've worked it out but let me know if I'm wrong:

LOL - Laugh out loud = ha! Something that makes you do what you lot haven't been doing all night??? (cheeky)

LMAO - Laughing my ass off = haha! Bit more of a hearty laugh, but I have never laughed my ass or any other part of my body OFF. My nan once laughed her glass eye out, so is that LMGEO????

ROFLMAO - Roll on floor laughing my ass off = has anyone EVER done that! You'd look like a mental person. Walking down the street, get a funny txt. Stop, fall on floor, roll around like a tramp on acid laughing.... You'd get locked up!

Bit obvious for me. You seem to be stating what something is and adding on "That's mental isn't it!?!" I wouldn't consider it a joke I'd call it a dressed up observation.

EG ROFLMAO - Roll on floor laughing my ass off = has anyone EVER done that! You'd look like a mental person. Walking down the street, get a funny txt. Stop, fall on floor, roll around like a tramp on acid laughing.... You'd get locked up - of course you'd look mental, but we need a punchline, a tramp on acid doesn't really do it for me, it may for others (if so I'll just shut up).

Also your webpage jokes earlier. watch the butterfield diet on YouTube, he takes the piss the same way as well as phonejacker, it's kind of been done, it's good material but others maybe more aware than meet and find it annoying.

Besides the above though, it was well scructured and kept to a theme which is always helpful, I also enjoyed the opening about nicknames, sticky vicky joke was my favourite.

Cheers for the feedback Paul, I can see what you're saying about the "dressed up observation"..... I'll go back to the drawing board and attempt to create some punches for these.

Quote: Paul W @ February 17 2010, 8:12 AM GMT

Besides the above though, it was well scructured and kept to a theme which is always helpful, I also enjoyed the opening about nicknames, sticky vicky joke was my favourite.

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Thanks for that, that was my favourite too .
I'm attempting to streamline my standup writing, hoping to get enough material under my belt to venture onto the open mic circuit and not get caught short if I start to die on my arse.

Something I am doing is highlighting where the laughs are then looking at the build up and seeing whats needed. For example, your first para, the gag is swamppy (unless you are expecting laughs at "o on the end of a name?") so all that "mum" stuff and "o" stuff seems unrequired and, largely, unrelated to the gag which has nothing to do with mums or o's.

Likewise, do you think the girls names with o's is laughing stuff? If not the gag is sticky vicky...get to that better maybe? (i don't like the gag, its a bit "school yard" for me...butthat's just me!)

The IT stuff I just didnt get....maybe because it went from "laddish" stuff about pissing the bed and blowjobs to "geeky" stuff so quick. That and the joke is flawed really....www is not a word, its three letters and pronounce as such - Google is a word. It feels a bit like jokes my dad would make about a pc mouse eating cheese!

As for the ROF stuff....theres funnier stuff in that than looking daft on the floor - for example, who first though that up? Was theres some guy at his desk typing LOL who thought "hang on, this is funnier than just laughing out loud...I need to convey more laughter. What would do that...what if I was on the floor rolling around...and my arse came off...nowthat's laughing" Or some such....I just think "roflmao is daft because no one actually does it" is a bit weak.

What do I know though!

Quote: Mr Lewis @ February 17 2010, 11:35 AM GMT

Likewise, do you think the girls names with o's is laughing stuff? If not the gag is sticky vicky...get to that better maybe? (i don't like the gag, its a bit "school yard" for me...butthat's just me!)

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I quite liked the Joo end, making it sound like Jew.... possible re-write needed then.

Quote: Mr Lewis @ February 17 2010, 11:35 AM GMT

The IT stuff I just didnt get....maybe because it went from "laddish" stuff about pissing the bed and blowjobs to "geeky" stuff so quick. That and the joke is flawed really....www is not a word, its three letters and pronounce as such - Google is a word. It feels a bit like jokes my dad would make about a pc mouse eating cheese!

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Fair pont, I'll take that on board and re-write or scrap the geeky stuff

Quote: Mr Lewis @ February 17 2010, 11:35 AM GMT

As for the ROF stuff....theres funnier stuff in that than looking daft on the floor - for example, who first though that up? Was theres some guy at his desk typing LOL who thought "hang on, this is funnier than just laughing out loud...I need to convey more laughter. What would do that...what if I was on the floor rolling around...and my arse came off...nowthat's laughing" Or some such....I just think "roflmao is daft because no one actually does it" is a bit weak.

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Cheers,that's made me laugh alot more than what I'd written, I'll try and mine some gold nuggets out of my grey matter and see if there is anything else I can come up with.

Thank you so much for the feedback

Ok, so I've rehashed this routine alittle today. Let me know what you think >_<
(PS, not an intended bump)
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Good Evening,

My name is Jon Pearson or Big Jonny P if you know me from school, which leads me nicely onto nicknames...
Girls, they struggle with nicknames, you can't call a girl much really;
Sticky Vicky, she was at school with me, that nickname never went down well, but she did, hence the name...

Boy nicknames are easy: Deano, Daveo, Smitho, Johno, Bono, Nicko, Adolfo... maybe not Adolfo.
It's either that or an observation on your physical attributes, hence Big Jonny P, someone obviously saw me in the shower one day, wink wink!

Initials as nicknames work for both sexes, AJ, BJ, CJ, DJ, TJ (of the hooker variety), JJ, pretty much any letter with a J after it, XJ? Maybe not......
So acronyms... (good link aye...)
We are surrounded by acronyms nowadays, FYI, BLT, PTO, that one's tattooed on my wife's back;

But all those acronyms make sense; they save time; for they are heroes of the acronym world.
But what did we do before them?
The idea of writing "please turn over", I think was invented by a scholar who was short on his word count in an essay, or maybe it was shakespeare...
He was a bugger old Billy boy, writing away, got stuck and then thought f**k it, I'll make a word up... They'll never know...
<Shakepeare voice >
"O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo"
"I'm here but I'm being attacked by a snappy lizard thing"...
No no no, snappy lizard thing is to wordy, what are those things called... Teethy scaley monster... no... Oh f**k it, alligator!
<end shakepeare voice>

So yes, before the hero acronym PTO was invented people wrote "please turn over" at the bottom of pages, to increase word count... Then along came an examining board, who said NO! Use PTO, we're running out of ink, but on every blank page, please write "blank page" so we know. "Can we use BP then?" NO! Thats been earmarked for expensive fuel!

And then the world went mad for 3 letter acronyms or TLA's... FFS!

LOL, created by Wayne Pearson, or Big Wayney P...... family trait! <point to crotch>.
He invented LOL in the 80's in a chat room... Or so he says...
His story goes that someone said something that made him laugh out loud in an empty room and he felt that just "haha" wasn't enough to write back. So he typed LOL, and then his friend said WTF is LOL, and then he said WAT is WTF? And this went on for hours and hours until their mum asked if they'd ever kissed a girl and they all cried until the tears steamed up their thick glasses.

It might be because I'm a bit dyslexic, but if I was hearing and not reading jokes about acronynms, etc it might be a bit too much hard work - or even impossible to get.

I still don't get the Jo-o joke. If I heard someone say "Joo" pronounced "Jew" I would think think they were saying "Ju" - short for Julie.

I don't know if tying all your laughs into one theme - that might not work - is a bit risky for a complete newbie? I'd suggest doing a stand-up course, taking this stuff along and seeing what works infront of an audience.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 18 2010, 1:44 PM GMT

It might be because I'm a bit dyslexic, but if I was hearing and not reading jokes about acronynms, etc it might be a bit too much hard work - or even impossible to get.

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I can see you're point Dolly, I was hoping that it may come over well in the performance.... but like you say I'll have to try it and see.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 18 2010, 1:44 PM GMT

I still don't get the Jo-o joke. If I heard someone say "Joo" pronounced "Jew" I would think think they were saying "Ju" - short for Julie.

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Yeah, I realised that, so I took that bit out of the re-write (don't know whether you posted just before that one was up)

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 18 2010, 1:44 PM GMT

I don't know if tying all your laughs into one theme - that might not work - is a bit risky for a complete newbie? I'd suggest doing a stand-up course, taking this stuff along and seeing what works infront of an audience.

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I've thought about it, I'll have to have a look around and see if there are any near me

Thanks for feedback Dolly

Hi Jon.

I'm certainly no expert but I really liked this joke:

...But you wouldn't text "C U l8ter by the w8ter" because they'd expect you to meet them in a restaurant.

Just my tuppence worth.

Quote: scratchyr @ February 18 2010, 1:58 PM GMT

Hi Jon.

I'm certainly no expert but I really liked this joke:

...But you wouldn't text "C U l8ter by the w8ter" because they'd expect you to meet them in a restaurant.

Just my tuppence worth.

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Cheers scratchyr, that one is on the back burner for some more material. I tried to concentrate on one theme in the re-write. But I'm sure I'll get to use it somewhere, or at least the bastard child of that joke.....

Just shows what a re-draft after a few pieces of constructive criticism can achieve. The re-hash as you call it is 10 times better than the first draft. Mr Lewis was on the money with getting to the gags quickly. I'm with Dolly though, I'm not sure how the acronym jokes would go down.

I liked the boy's nicknames joke and with a slight variation I think you'd get bigger laughs.

Boy nicknames are easy: Deano, Daveo, Smitho, Johno, Nicko, Bono, Adolfo... maybe not Bono

Again, I'm no expert, just trying to help.

Keep the re-drafts coming.

Cheers
Craig

Quote: Craig H @ February 18 2010, 2:30 PM GMT

Boy nicknames are easy: Deano, Daveo, Smitho, Johno, Nicko, Bono, Adolfo... maybe not Bono

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I might steal that one Craig..... if you don't mind....

Cheers guys....

On Daisy's recommendation I'm going along to a stand up course in Birmingham this saturday..... So expect to see a bombardment of new material over the next coming weeks.

Can I just say what a great help you all are

Jon
I think most of it sounds ok
The o at the end of names is needed to take you onto the swampy gag, imoa, lol
Obvoiusly not every part of a stand up is funny you need to pack it out, I much prefer stand up that are a bit of a story rather than just jokes and the best are always every day situations that people don't really think of.

Lee

The PTO joke was funny.

I'd agree with the points above. You can still do it on a theme, but maybe not put so many acronyms in. Leave the acronym joke on PTO (unless you can think of a bigger laugh) and move on to something else.

The alligator joke requires the audience to know that Shakespeare invented the word alligator. Not sure everybody does.