EXPENSES MARATHON
MILES:Those naughty MP's have been at it again, extorting money from the public purse like a filthy, scally extending their hand in to an old ladies bag as she goes to buy some laxatives. But now they've been caught out the government have introduced a novel way for them to repay their debt.
FX:
BOOING/BAYING CROWD
REPORTER:Hello, you join me at the first MP expenses fun run. I'm going to chat to the runners as they come along. Oh, there's David Chaytor. Dave, Dave, can we just talk to you?
DAVID CHAYTOR:Don't keep me for too long I need to finish in under 3 hours.
REPORTER:So why are you dressed as a mouse Dave?
DAVID:I claimed money for IT services. [FX: SPLAT] Oi! Who threw that? Look I've really got to make my time, I've got a lot to pay back.
REPORTER:Well, good luck Dave! Let's see who else comes along. Oo, there's Jim Devine, only by name not by nature (SNORTS). Jim! Come over here and talk to us.
FX:
JIM RUNS UP TRIPS OVER THEN BIG CHEERS
REPORTER:(LAUGHING) Jim has just landed right on his face! But he bounced right back. Hi, Jim.
JIM:Bloody hell, good job I've come as a rubber.
REPORTER:Just for the benefit of our listeners he means an eraser. So why the costume you mad man?
JIM DEVINE:I took over £5,000 for stationery.
REPORTER:So you want to be the ruler of this contest! (SNORTS) Cool, good luck, get running Jim? The runners are coming thick and fast, everyone is cheering them on and there's a great atmosphere. [FX: SWELL OF BOOS] Elliot Morley. Elliot, come over and speak to us, have you got a message for our listeners?
ELLIOT MORLEY:Get that bloody microphone out of my face!
REPORTER:So what have you come as today?
ELLIOT:Can't you see you stupid woman? I'm wearing an elephant suit, I wanted to be the rhino but it was too small.
REPORTER:So how much are you hoping to raise Elliot?
ELLIOT:Well, I need £30,000. But it's absolutely ridiculous making me dress like a bloody great elephant for a crime I didn't commit.
REPORTER:So who's sponsoring you Elliot?
ELLIOT:The general public.
REPORTER:But I thought you had to pay the public back?
ELLIOT:Well, what they don't know won't hurt them. How far am I from the finish line?
REPORTER:It's not far now. The race ends in the magistrates' court.
ELLIOT:Oh bugger!
END OF SKETCH