SKIT COMP 11-19.2.10

Good stuff once more but ultimate congrats to... MR SUNSHINE for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Further congrats to those gagsmiths who made the now-ended Newsjack show! Here's hoping this comp proved a useful training ground. And jolly good fun too.
Meanwhile:

Votes - Points - Name

7!!! - 10 - Mr Sunshine
2 - 5 - Scratchyr
1 - 1 - Alex Mahon, Kasm, Nigel Kelly, Cool Mikado
Special Mention: Otterfox, AngieBaby, Gerry McDonnell

Your new subject: ROCKSTARS (chosen by Mr Otterfox)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 19.2.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

116 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
104 - Mr Sunshine
103 - Frankie
102 - Otterfox
98 - Fred Peters
88 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Michael Monkhouse
76 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
57 - Kasm
37 - Scratchyr
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Gerry McDonnell
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Angiebaby
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - James
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Alex Mahon
01 - Stephen Birch
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. HOTEL MEETING ROOM - DAY

BILLY BRAGG IS CHAIRING A MEETING OF ROCK STARS

BILLY BRAGG:
I'll get straight down to it lads; I'm holding a rally to protest against the outrageous bonuses paid to the fat-cats at RBS, and I'm looking for support.

BOB GELDOF:
When is it?

BILLY BRAGG:
Next Monday.

BOB GELDOF:
That's no good for me.

BILLY BRAGG:
Fair enough. To be honest, I was hoping for more relevant artists; we have to reach out to the kids.

GARY GLITTER:
Been there, done that.

BILLY BRAGG:
Come on guys, these bankers are taking the piss, it's madness.

SUGGS:
Don't blame me.

OZZY OSBOURNE: (INTERRUPTING)
I couldn't give a f**k about the bankers. I'd get involved if it was anti-Israel. Who was that Prime Minister that I never liked? SHARON!

BONO:
Forget the Middle-East. Did you know that in America, 1-percent of the people control 42-percent of the wealth? I know I'm not the only one to find this morally reprehensible; all of the accountants in my Dutch tax-haven hold a similar view.

BILLY BRAGG:
For f**k's sake, it's not about Israel or America, it's about British bankers. Somebody must be willing to take a stand.

NICKY WIRE:
I'll come along.

BILLY BRAGG:
Thanks Nicky. It's outdoors though, so it'll be public toilets.

NICKY WIRE:
Get f**ked.

BILLY BRAGG:
Jesus, has no-one got a social conscience? Alright, forget about the protest, think of it as a nice day out. We'll have the craic.

PETER DOHERTY:
I'm in.

BILLY BRAGG:
Nice one Peter, I'm glad someone's got a bit of spunk.

MARC ALMOND:
I'll drink to that.

A GUY IS ON STAGE PERFORMING INTRICATE LICKS AND RIFFS ON THE GUITAR FRETBOARD WHEN A BUZZER GOES.

CUT TO: SIMON COWELL, LIAM GALLAGHER & NOEL GALLAGHER AS X FACTOR JUDGES. WE CAN SEE NOEL AND LIAMS X's HAVE BEEN LIT UP AS THEY BUZZED.

SIMON
Noel

NOEL
I thought it was terrible.

SIMON
Liam

LIAM
Yea. Mmmmhhm.

SIMON
I'm sorry. Thanks for coming.

CUT BACK TO STAGE WHERE ANOTHER PERFORMER (KYLE) IS NOW ON STAGE

SIMON
Hi. Kyle is it?

KYLE NODS

SIMON
Okay Kyle. Good luck.

KYLE IS STARING HARD AT HIS GUITAR. HE TAKES AGES TO FIND HIS FIRST CHORD AND PUTS HIS FINGERS DOWN SEPERATELY BEFORE PLAYING A HORRIBLE OUT OF TUNE CHORD.

CUT TO: CLASSIC SIMON COWELL EYEBROW RAISE

KYLE RE-ARRANGES HIS FINGERS BEFORE PLAYING ANOTHER HORRENDOUS CHORD.

CUT TO: CLASSIC SIMON COWELL EYEBROW RAISE

KYLE RE-ARRANGES HIS FINGERS BEFORE PLAYING ANOTHER HORRENDOUS CHORD.

SIMON
Okay. Okay. Thanks Kyle. (cynically) Liam.

LIAM
Yea, I thought it was smashing.

SIMON
(deflated) Noel

NOEL
Can you play C major?

KYLE NODS BEFORE TAKING SEVERAL SECONDS TO FIND THE CHORD AND PLAY IT - HORRIBLY.

NOEL
Yea, he's perfect.

INT. LOUNGE. DAY

A SMALL BOY, IN GREY FLANNEL SHORTS, SITS ON THE SOFA WITH HIS MUM AND DAD. DISCARDED BROWN WRAPPING PAPER IS LAID TIDILY BY HIS FEET. HE ADDS A BOOK HE'S JUST RECEIVED TO THE TOYS LYING NEATLY NEXT TO HIM.

DAD REACHES BESIDE THE SOFA, PULLS OUT A LARGE PRESENT AND PROUDLY HANDS IT TO HIS SON, AS MUM SMILES ON DEMURELY.

DAD
And this is from us, Peter, lad.

PETER'S EYES OPEN WIDE AND HE CAREFULLY OPENS THE PAPER TO REVEAL AN EARLY ELECTRIC GUITAR. THE BOY'S SMILE FADES.

PETER (HESITANTLY)
Oh. Um, thank you, daddy.

DAD
You said you wanted to be a Rock Star, didn't you?

PETER
I do. I want to study petrology and be world famous. Besides, I can't play music - I'd need guitar lessons.

MUM (CONFUSED)
Petrology?

DAD
You ungrateful little... need guitar lessons? I'll give you bloody guitar lessons!

DAD WRENCHES THE GUITAR OFF HIS SON AND STARTS TO SMASH IT AGAINST THE FLOOR, THEN THE WALLS AND THE TABLE, EVENTUALLY KICKING THE CIRCULAR TABLE OVER AND SENDING THE WIRELESS FLYING. PETER AND HIS MUM COWER ON THE SOFA.

DAD
You're not the son I brought up! Who are you? Who? Who?!

DAD STORMS OUT AND PETER PICKS UP THE SMASHED GUITAR, TURNING IT OVER IN HIS HANDS.

MUM (NERVOUSLY)
Don't fret, darling. He'll come round to you studying your little rocks.

PETER
F**k studying rocks – playing guitar looks a doddle.

My tribute to Johnny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mSE-Iy_tFY

Right! Now
ha ha ha ha ha...
I was an antichrist,
I was an anarchist,
But now what I want
Is a nice dairy product.
I want some butter, milk and cheese.

'Cause I wanna eat Dairy Lea
No rennet for me.

Big Brother was dodgy,
But now I'm doing ads for ITV
For dairy products like goat's cheese,
I can't believe it's come to this.

Now I wanna eat cottage cheese
In the dairy.

How many ways to milk out yoghurt?
I use a churn,
I use an urn.
I use the fermentery,
I use cream and brie.

'Cause I wanna eat clotted cheese
Quark and feta's mean.

Is this cultured butter milk
Or is this food of that ilk?
Is this caseinates?
I thought it was curds and whey,
Or just condensed fromage frais
Ricotta, ice cream, hydrolysate.

I used to be anarchy,
Now I wanna be butter cheese.
(Oh what I've been)
And I wanna have cash in fist
It's shit, oh boy...

For radio:

MANAGER: The sequined spandex….

ROCKSTAR: Sexy, huh?

MANAGER: It certainly leaves nothing to the imagination. Which could be a teensy problem.

ROCKSTAR: Sorry?

MANAGER: Up on the festival stage tonight, it's going to be cold.

ROCKSTAR: Oh.

MANAGER: A tip for you. Processed pork products.

ROCKSTAR: You mean..?

MANAGER: All the greats do it. Robert Plant wouldn't go on stage without a salami in his boxers. Richie Blackmore swore by saveloy. Ian Gillan was a bratwurst man. And David Coverdale owed his reputation to a knockwurst.

FADE

FX: booing

MANAGER: Oh brilliant! Half the front row feinted. I saw one woman throw up.

ROCKSTAR: But you said stuff a sausage…

MANAGER: Yes, yes, I did. A sausage. But not a Cumberland ring!

END.

INT.HOTEL ROOM.DAY

THE DOOR OPENS AND A HOTEL PORTER WALKS IN FOLLOWED BY A ROCK AND ROLL BAND WHO SWAGGER PAST ACTING AS ROCK AND ROLL AS POSSIBLE. THE LEAD SINGER SWIGS JACK DANIELS FROM A BOTTLE AS THE PORTER SHOWS HIMSELF OUT CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. THE LEAD SINGER INSTANTLY SPITS THE JACK DANIELS BACK INTO THE BOTTLE

LEAD SINGER
Thank Goodness for that

BASS PLAYER (sitting down)
Honestly what a day, I am exhausted

LEAD GUITARIST
Tea anyone?

DRUMMER (putting on slippers)
Yes please!

LEAD GUITARIST
I'll get the kettle on

BASS PLAYER (rummaging in a bag)
I've got some custard creams in here if anyone's peckish?

THE BASS PLAYER FINDS THEM AND OFFERS THEM ROUND

DRUMMER (taking one)
Ohh you're a lifesaver

THE DRUMMER SITS DOWN AND TAKES A BITE OF HIS CUSTARD CREAM THEN PICKS UP A REMOTE CONTROL AND TURNS THE TELEVISION ON

DRUMMER
10 minutes till Time Team everyone!

LEAD SINGER
Excellent! Just enough time to give Mum a quick call

THE LEAD SINGER PICKS UP A PHONE WHEN THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

BASS PLAYER
Tch honestly, who can that be?

EVERYONE ATTEMPTS TO LOOK ROCK AND ROLL AGAIN AS THE LEAD GUITARIST OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL A PRIEST STANDING THERE

LEAD GUITARIST
Father Andrews what a delightful surprise!

FATHER ANDREWS STEPS FORWARD AND RAISES HIS FISTS ALOFT REVEALING A STUDDED LEATHER WRISTBAND ON EACH WRIST

FATHER ANDREWS
ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL!!!!!!!!

THE BAND ALL EXCHANGE UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKS IN THE AWKWARD SILENCE

INT. AN OFFICE. DAY.

TWO MEN DRESSED IN SUITS.ONE OF THEM ( BOSS ) IS SHOUTING AT THE OTHER ONE (DEREK)

BOSS:
You better be f**king joking me Derek!

DEREK:
I'm really sorry bu..

BOSS: (SHAKING A PIECE OF PAPER IN DEREK'S FACE)
What's the matter? Can't you read this? Didn't you go to school?

DEREK:
Yes of cour...

BOSS:
Then what does that say? What does that say right f**king there?

DEREK:
It says that we have to provide you with four hundred post-it notes, with the blue ones taken out.

BOSS PICKS UP A WAD OF POST IT NOTES AND POINTS TO A BLUE ONE.

BOSS:
So what the shitting f**k is this? Do I look like a wanker?

DEREK:
Not at a...

BOSS:
Thank you. Thank you Derek, for not calling me a wanker in my own office. Now get out there and do your f**king job.

DEREK MEEKLY EXITS THE OFFICE:

CUT TO:

INT. BOARD. DAY.

THE BOSS STANDS ON THE TABLE IN A ROCK POSE HOLDING A MICROPHONE. ALL THE CHIARS ARE FILLED WITH STAFF MEMBERS. SOME ARE WEARING BOARD MEETING 2010 T-SHIRTS. THEY ARE ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING HIM.

BOSS:
Thank you thank you. Now here's a new one I call "Mission Statement" I hope y'all like it.

GRAMS: ROCK BALLAD

THE STAFF MEMBERS TAKE SOME HIGHLIGHTER PENS FROM THE TABLE, REMOVE THE LIDS AND WAVE THEM IN THE AIR LIKE LIGHTERS.

BOSS: (SINGING)
Broad-based collaborative initiative. Inspiring encouragement in our brand through exciting and relevant media direct to our customer base so that we may make a difference...locally and globally. I said making a difference now, making a difference, make it, make it now, make it.

THE SONG FINISHES AND THEY APPLAUD AND CHEER. HE STEPS DOWN OFF THE TABLE AND IS PASSED A TOWEL BY DEREK. HE USES IT TO DAB THE SWEAT FROM HIS FACE AS THEY LEAVE THE ROOM.

CUT TO:

INT. AN OFFICE. DAY.

DEREK:
Well I think that went rather well.

BOSS:
Phone dialing solo not too long?

DEREK:
Well..maybe thirty seven minutes was a....

BOSS:
So now you're the big shot. Well excuse-f**king me.

BOSS GRABS THE COMPUTER MONITOR OF THE DESK AND THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW.

DEREK:
Sir it's still plugged.....

THE CABLES AND WIRES ATTACHED TO THE MONITOR NOW BEGIN TO PULL THE COMPUTER AND OTHER OFFICE EQUIPMENT EVERYWHERE. THE OFFICE IS NOW TRASHED COMPLETELY.

BOSS:
For f**k's sake Derek. Sort this out or you'll be cleaning toilets for the rest of your life. F**k me.

BOSS SWANS OUT OF THE OFFICE.

END.

EXT. HIGH STREET - DAY.

A BUSKER IS PLAYING THE GUITAR IN A SHOP DOORWAY, SINGING TERRIBLY, AN EMPTY PLASTIC CUP AT HIS FEET. A DRUNK STOPS IN FRONT OF HIM..

DRUNK:
I hope you're not thinking of becoming a tennis star.

BUSKER:
(puzzled look) Why?

DRUNK:
Cos you won't get anywhere with that racket.

INT. BACK STAGE AT A CONCERT THREE ROCK STARS ARE CHATTING IN THE GREEN ROOM.

RONNIE WOOD GOES TO HIS WALLET AND PULLS OUT A PHOTO

RONNIE WOOD
Look at that!

BILL WYMAN
Wow who's the bird?

RONNIE WOOD
My new girlfriend - she's 22

BILL WYMAN
Blimey nice work fella.

BILL WYMAN GOES TO HIS WALLET AND PULLS OUT A PHOTO

RONNIE WOOD
Whoa, Who's that?

BILL WYMAN
That's my new girlfriend - she's just turned 19!

RONNIE WOOD
Cor, she's gorgeous mate!

GARY GLITTER GOES TO HIS WALLET

BILL WYMAN
Don't you f**king dare!

RONNIE WOOD
Pervert!

BILL AND RONNIE WALK OUT IN DISGUST, SHAKING THEIR HEAD AT GLITTER.

GARY SIGHS DEEPLY AND PULLS OUT FREE PASSES TO ALTON TOWERS THAT HE WAS GOING TO SHARE WITH HIS PALS.

HE PLACES THE TICKETS ON A NEARBY TABLE, UNCLIPS HIS "ACCESS ALL AREAS" PASS AND LAYS IT ALONGSIDE THEM.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY AGAIN AND TRUDGES OFF ALONE.

END.

A man walks into an old, tatty and poorly patronised pub, seats himself at the
upright piano and starts to play. The first mournful notes take the breath from
the barman and the two drunks holding up the bar. The tempo rises, drifting from
melancholy into merry and up and on through all shades of all emotions.
The music filters out into the street, the pub begins to fill and in minutes
it's jammed with crying, laughing, dancing people. The pianist hits the audience
with waves of musical passion, taking them to the heights and dropping them to
the depths. He finishes his masterpiece with a frenzied blur of fingers, slams
the piano lid closed, stands, forces his way through the mesmerized crowd, out
of the pub and disappears into the night. The barman rushes after him.

BARMAN: You shouldn't be playing in pubs. Man, you're the most gifted musician
I've ever heard! You're amazing, you should be up there with the stars. That
tune was incredible, it could make you millions!

MAN: Yeah, I know. I've had offers but that "tune" is a work of inspiration.
It's an expression of the most profound love a man can feel, and I'm not going
to change the title just because publisher's marketing monkeys don't like it.

BARMAN: What! That's unblievable! What the Hell is the title?

MAN: I Love My Grandmother So Much I'd Eat Her Shit With a Wooden Spoon.

===============================
The Metaphysics of Pete Doherty
===============================

EXT: A PAVEMENT. DAY

CAPTION APPEARS: 'THE METAPHYSICS OF PETE DOHERTY'.

WE SEE PETE DOHERTY WALKING ERRATICALLY AND ALL OVER THE PLACE. DEATH IS SWIFTLY MOVING ALL AROUND HIM WILDLY SWINGING HIS SCYTHE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN LIKE A SAMURAI WARRIOR AND MISSING EVERY SINGLE TIME. HE STOPS AND LEANS ON HIS SCYTHE OUT OF BREATH. PETE KEEPS WOBBLING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

DEATH:
(CATCHING BREATH AND INCREDULOUS) Why can't I hit him? *Why* can't I hit him? You'd have thought *once* in fifteen years...

HE RUNS TO CATCH UP AND BEGINS SWINGING WILDLY AGAIN AND KEEPS MISSING. LIFE IS SAT ATOP A BUS SHELTER WATCHING THE CHARADE.

LIFE:
(SHOUTS) I told you you wouldn't be able to get him!

DEATH:
(SHOUTS) You don't get your tenner until he's thirty-five! I'll get him before then!

DEATH CONTINUES HIS PURSUIT OF PETE, AS LIFE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

END

INT. NIGHT. ROCK PROFILES SHOW. PRESENTER INTERVIEWS A ROCK BAND. THEY ALL HAVE CANS IN FRONT OF THEM.....

PRESENTER:
Tonight is the first time in many nights that I have the honour the present to you a band named by Rolling Stone magazine as 'The most average band of the 70's' and 'The most moustached band of the 80's'.

I'll start with the lead singer Maximus Fink. Maximus, how did it all begin?

MAX:
Well we started off playing at small venues, playgrounds, treehouses places like that. Then we moved on to bigger things like Community Centres. The name for the band...am..the ah....

GUITARIST:
Thundervision and the Calf of Tomorrow.

MAX:
Thundervision and the Calf of Tomorrow it's..

PRESENTER:
Yes that is something that perks a lot of interest. What kind of outlandish mindset were you in to come up with a name like that?

MAX:
Well it's to be taken literally.....that is what actually happened.

PRESENTER:
But how does -

MAX:
By the time our first album,'End of the Road' came out we had already got caught up in the Rock & Roll lifestyle and at this point I was on two shandy's a night, sometimes three. Obviously we could'nt keep this up and we were getting homesick. We were still gigging at home and we were sick of it.

We had released our first two albums at this point and we could tell we were rising stars.

PRESENTER:
But neither of them entered the top 100.

MAX:
Yeah but to get our vibe man you need to buy the album don't ya. It's a train of consciousness thing.

PRESENTER:
Ok. Just looking at the first four songs here, they don't seem to follow any sort of continuous theme. 'The Carpenters Head Was Never Let Go', 'Otter of the Bubble', 'Clown Beside the Sanctuary' and 'The Water was Too Wet'.

MAX:
No. I mean we were all semi-conscious on a train when we wrote it. You know train of consciousness.

PRESENTER:
But if you're talking of a stream of consciousness then you need to -

MAX INTERRUPTS AGAIN. AND THIS TIME BEGINS TO GET ANGRY.

MAX:
'Stream' of consciousness?! Who mentioned a stream? We were talking about a train. You can't even remember what kind of consciousnesses I'm talking about. I think I'm....... yeah I'm going to throw one of my patented tantrums now. This interview is over!

HE SWIPES HIS CAN OF SPRITE OFF THE TABLE AND STORMS OFF. THE REST OF THE BAND FOLLOW.

END.

ROCKSTAR FRED.S.HOTLOVE IS IN A MEETING WITH THE EVENTS MANAGER THE DAY BEFORE HIS SELL OUT TOUR AT THE O2 ARENA.

MANAGER:
Great to see you Fred. We're so pleased to have you performing at the O2 again.

FRED: (GRABS MANAGERS HAND FOR AN AWKWARD COOL HANDSHAKE ATTEMPT)
The pleasure's all mutual baby, the pleasures all mutual. Did you sort out my Rider?

MANAGER:
Well that's what I wanted to talk to you about. We've got most of the things on the list. Let me see... mineral water room temperature, Playstation 3.... Maltesers

FRED:
Did you take out all the brown ones?

MANAGER:
Yes! We actually did. But I must say that some of the other items are proving a little more difficult to procure.

FRED:
Don't tell me, the Doves of peace & the Juggling Monkeys?

MANAGER:
No they were fairly straightforward. Although the Monkeys have eaten some of the Doves.

FRED:
Serves em right for being so Peaceloving.

MANAGER:
Now item 6, When you say Time Machine you did mean a watch didn't you?

FRED:
Yeah I suppose that'll do instead. What about the Terra Cotta Army?

MANAGER:
We could only manage to get you 4 soldiers.

FRED:
That's more than enough, They'll look great next to my Waxwork.

MANAGER:
Oh yes about the Waxwork. Unfortunately Madame Tussauds can't do a new model at such short notice.

FRED:
Hold on! If I'm going to perform then I need to feel completely relaxed
And I always feel relaxed when I can see myself as the head of a timeless precious clay based invincible army.
.
MANAGER:
Don't we all Fred. Don't worry, they said they can sort something out, but they'll need to modify an existing waxwork that's all. They reckon that they could make one out of Davina McCall. All they need to do is make the boobs bigger & get rid of the moustache.

FRED:
That'll do for me dude.

MANAGER:
Now Item 9 was Impossible I'm afraid. We couldn't manage to get the entire original cast & crew of Cats the musical

FRED:
Yeah well that doesn't surprise me, stars like Elaine Paige & Wayne Sleep don't come cheap.

MANAGER:
Oh no they came straight over, brought their own costumes & everything. The problem was getting the Spotlight guys, they've moved on to bigger & better things.

FRED:
Look I'm not unreasonable, As long as you've got me Brian Blessed.

MANAGER:
Of course, he's in the hotel across the road, can't you hear him?

FRED:
Oh that's what that noise was!

MANAGER:
So all that leaves is item number 13

FRED:
Or the deal breaker as I've just this second decided to call it.

MANAGER:
Yes well I don't know how to break this to you but Unicorns don't actually exist & more importantly Lester Piggott retired years ago.

FRED:
Well then I shall have to bid you bonjour buddy.

MANAGER:
I mean the thing is though, Does it really matter Fred?

FRED:
Of course it matters, I want my fans to know that I got more stuff than Lady GaGa

MANAGER:
Yes and that's what we'll tell them. Whereas in reality we'll just give you the usual.

FRED:
4 cans of Stella & a copy of Nuts?

MANAGER:
3 cans

FRED:
Deal! See you tomorrow.
(MISSES WITH HIGH FIVE AS HE EXITS)

FX: CROWD NOISE.
CLOSE UP OF MEL B AND GERI'S FACES.

MEL B:
I'll tell you what I want, what I really want, is to know why we had to fly Economy to get here?

GERI:
Well now you know why the other girls didn't come?

MEL B:
And why are we here?

GERI:
For the last time. Our fans voted for where we play our final gig.

MEL B:
Are you sure they're our fans? They're all angry old men with big beards!

GERI:
Relax, I'm a UN 'Goodwill Ambassador'. I'm sensitive to Muslimism and Islamabalama-ding-dongs.

MEL B:
And this stage? My g-string's got so much sand in it, it's like Edward Scissorhands' giving me a smear test.

GERI:
Well this is downtown Kabul...

MEL B:
I'm bloody roasting in here.

GERI:
I'm just glad I wore my Union Jack Burkha. It's surprisingly cool.

<PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THEY ARE BURIED TO UP THEIR NECKS IN THE SAND>

<A GUN SHOT IS FIRED AND THE CROWD ROAR>

MEL B:
Good Evening Afghanistan!

GERI:
Girl Power, Whooo!

<A ROCK HITS THEM BOTH IN THE FACE>

GERI:
It's times like these I really miss Victoria.