There's More to Love than Dog Meets Bitch

I've got these two dogs - figuratively speaking - that I can't seem to do much more with at present than feature them in 5-10 minute playlets. Here's one. Any feedback/comments on it gratefully received.

SCENE:

A PUB. YOUNG DOGS (MASKS? PAINTED FACES? WHISKERS?) REX AND FIDO SIT AT A TABLE. FIDO EATS FOOD GREEDILY FROM A BOWL. THERE IS ANOTHER TABLE NEARBY.

REX: Enjoying that, are you?

FIDO LOOKS UP, FINISHES CHEWING, WIPES MOUTH

FIDO: All I'm saying is that song is definitely politically incorrect. It's exploitational. Just listen to the lyrics.

REX:Mate, it's a nursery rhyme. It's not meant to be taken literally.

FIDO:Yeah, but come on. 'How much is that doggy in the window, woof woof.' Try telling me that hasn't got sexual connotations. (PAUSE) I mean, we all know what 'woof woof' means, don't we?

REX:It's not 'woof woof'.

FIDO:How do you mean?

REX:It's not 'woof woof'. That line goes, 'How much is that doggie in the window, row row'.

FIDOIN DISBELIEF) Row row?

REX:That's what it says in the song.

FIDO:What's that supposed to mean – row row?

REX:That's what humans think we sound like. They think we say 'row row'. You know what they're like – can't do accents for toffee. (REX DOES AN IMPRESSION OF A HUMAN DOING AN IMPRESSION OF A DOG) Row row row row! See what I mean?

MIRRI HOVERS AT THE SIDE OF THE STAGE IN MANNER OF CAT UNSURE WHETHER TO GO IN THROUGH A DOOR OR NOT. FIDO SPOTS HER, IS TRANSFIXED BY HER AND PAYS NO ATTENTION TO WHAT REX IS SAYING.

REXee what I mean? (PAUSE) What are you looking at?

FIDO GESTURES TOWARDS MIRRI

FIDO:Her. Oh my dog. She's gorgeous.

REX: (HORRIFIED) Are you out of your mind? She's a cat.

FIDO:I don't care. I'm in love.

MIRRI SASHAYS TO THE EMPTY TABLE, TAKES OFF HER COAT, LICKS HER PAWS AND GLANCES AT REX AND FIDO

MIRRI:Hello boys. (FLASHES SMILE) I think I'll go and order a nice bowl of cream.

MIRRI SAUNTERS TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE & THEN GOES OFFSTAGE. FIDO WATCHES HER WITH HIS TONGUE HANGING OUT. REX PRETENDS TO BE UNIMPRESSED.

FIDO:I've got to talk to her. I've got to talk to her.

REX:You are not talking to her. She's a cat, for God's sake.

FIDO:What's wrong with cats?

REX:What's wrong with cats? Are you serious? Didn't you ever listen to anything your old dog told you when you was a pup?

FIDOTEARFULLY) I never knew my old dog. He left when we were still blind and crawling around in our mother's basket. (PAUSE) All I remember about him is a faint whiff of Old Shag.

REXK, I get the picture. Familiar story. (PAUSE) Right, I'll tell you what's wrong with cats. They're cruel, they're disloyal, they're fickle, they don't give a toss about anyone except themselves, their faces are stupid, their ears are really stupid, their tails drive me clean up the wall, and they can't even get through a doorway without dithering around for half an hour. And… (PAUSE) No.

FIDO: Yeah? What?

REX:I don't want to have to tell you this.

FIDO:You've got this far – just spit it out.

REX: They eat mint.

PAUSE

FIDOh. (PAUSE) Yeah, that is a bit strange.

MIRRI RETURNS WITH A BOWL OF CREAM, SITS AT HER TABLE, LOOKS AT REX AND FIDO, HESITATES & THEN APPROACHES THEM

MIRRI:I hope you don't think this is terribly forward of me, but do you mind if I join you?

FIDO:That's, er, that's alright.

MIRRI:Thank you. (SHE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE) You see, there's this frightful disreputable old tom who's been following me around, and I thought I'd shake him off by darting in here. I don't think he'd dare follow me in now, not with you two hunks to look out for me. Do you?

FIDO:Er, hopefully not.

MIRRI:I'm Mirri, by the way – and you are?

FIDO:I'm Fido – and this is Rex.

REX SULKS, DOESN'T MAKE EYE CONTACT

MIRRI:How charming. Such strong, quintessentially canine names!

FIDO:Um, do you come here often? (PAUSE) I'm just asking because I've not seen you in here before.

MIRRI:Heavens no, this is the first time I've ventured into such a dog's den as this. But they say variety is the mice – er, the spice – of life. (PAUSE) I suppose this is one of your regular haunts.

REXAFFECTING TOUGHNESS) We drop in from time to time, yeah.

MIRRI PRODUCES A PACKET OF POLOS AND TAKES ONE.

MIRRI:I'm forgetting my manners. Would you like one? (SHE OFFERS PACKET)

REX:No way.

MIRRI: (TO FIDO) But you'll have one, won't you dear? To keep up your doggish strength and those puppyish good looks of yours.

FIDO:Well, OK, I'll try one. (HE TAKES ONE & PUTS IT CAUTIOUSLY IN HIS MOUTH, THEN CHEWS VIGOROUSLY) It's quite nice!

MIRRI:Have another one.

MIRRI OFFERS THE PACKET AGAIN AND FIDO TAKES ANOTHER. REX SHAKES HIS HEAD DESPAIRINGLY.

MIRRICONFIDENTIALLY, TO FIDO) I have a confession. I didn't really come in to escape from a marauding tom. That was a convenient invention.

FIDOh?

MIRRI TAKES FIDO'S PAW AND STROKES IT.

MIRRI:Yes. You see, I really came in looking for a bit of rough. I hope that doesn't shock you.

FIDOSHOCKED) Er, no. No, it doesn't shock me. Of course not.

REXTO FIDO) You've got to snap out of it. You're mesmerised. She's seducing you with her infernal feline charms. She's a she-devil-cat-type- (PAUSE) thing.

MIRRI FIXES REX WITH A COLD STARE

MIRRI:Are you still here?

REX:Yes, I'm still here.

MIRRITAKES OUT PENDANT NECKLACE AND HYPNOTISES REX WITH IT) OK, well since you're here, could you please make yourself useful and go to Aberdeen and fetch me a boxful of brightly-coloured buttons.

REX:Aberdeen. Buttons. Brightly-coloured boxful. Yes.

REX GOES OFFSTAGE IN A TRANCE

MIRRITO FIDO) It's just you and me now. And a packet of mints.

MIRRI PUTS THE PACKET OF POLOS ON THE TABLE

FIDO:Yes. (PAUSE) What shall we do now?

MIRRI:Let's take our time. Let's get to know each other. (PAUSE) Tell me your dreams. Tell me your fantasies.

FIDOK. (PAUSE) Well, this is the most wonderful thing I can imagine.

MIRRI:Tell me, tell me. I am listening.

FIDO:You see, what I dream of most is my master taking me to the seaside and throwing a big stick for me miles out in the water, and me racing down to the shore, plunging into the cold salt water and swimming.

MIRRISHUDDERING) Swimming?

FIDO:Yes, feeling the water soaking through my thick fur and wetting my skin as I paddle desperately through the waves. (MIRRI DROPS HIS PAW) What's wrong?

MIRRI:I can't listen to another word. Swimming? Water? Chasing after sticks? Fur getting wet? Ugh. How utterly, utterly tasteless. You've completely put a damper on things.

FIDO:But how? (PAUSE) I love swimming, I do.

MIRRI: (GETTING UP) I'm mortified. I don't think I shall ever recover. I've never been so insulted in all my life.

FIDO:I don't understand what I've done wrong.

MIRRI:Get out of my sight, you great canine lump, before I dot your silly big black wet nose with my razor-sharp claws.

FIDO HIDES UNDER THE TABLE. MIRRI STALKS OFF BUT EN ROUTE OFFSTAGE, SHE NOTICES SOME FURNITURE (E.G. THE OTHER TABLE)

MIRRI:Mustn't waste the opportunity.

MIRRI GOES DOWN ON ALL FOURS AND STARTS RUBBING HERSELF AGAINST THE FURNITURE. FIDO GAZES AT HER LONGINGLY FROM UNDERNEATH HIS TABLE.

REX DASHES IN BREATHLESSLY HOLDING A BOX. MIRRI STANDS UP HASTILY, EMBARRASSED.

MIRRI:What do you want?

REXPANTING) Got the buttons.

MIRRI:What buttons?

REX:I got the buttons you wanted from Aberdeen.

MIRRIh, go away, you uncouth mutt.

REX:Huh?

MIRRI DOTS REX SHARPLY ON THE NOSE AND CHASES HIM OFFSTAGE. FIDO REMAINS UNDER THE TABLE.

PAUSE

FIDO:I'm not coming out.

Some of this made me laugh. I think the first part with the two dogs talking is stronger than when the cat arrives. Maybe the second bit relies too much on the idea that a cat going into a pub is funny. Perhaps Fido could try some mis placed chat up lines.

Other things that make cats dogs similiar different might be useful, like:

-Cats wave their tale in anger/dogs with pleasure
-Cats often have bells on their collars to warn birds/dogs have muzzles to stop them biting/
- Both cats and dogs get fleas

Like the polos thing, but you could make more of inuendos involving "holes" "rings" "sweets". Or maybe you could base the whole interaction on a famous seduction scene in a film.

Thanks for taking a look, Bard. Interesting point about it being funnier when it's just the two dogs talking. The problem I've got is that unless another character comes in, it becomes a cosy chat between the two of them & is a little lacking in any sort of drama. But I know what you mean - it is funnier when it's just the two of them.