Hi
This is about 10 minutes of a new sitcom I am writing. I've posted bits before, but I am just getting back to re-writing this and trying to finish the episode so some feedback would be great
MIKE AND JANICE (MARRIED) ARE SITTING IN A SMALL ITALIAN RESTAURANT, WAITING FOR TWO OTHERS TO ARRIVE. MIKE IS 48, WEARING HIS BEST SUIT, WHICH IN TRUTH IS A LITTLE FADED AND VERY TIGHT. JANICE IS A LARGE LADY, 45, BIG HAIR, BIG JEWELLERY, BIG EVERYTHING
JANICE:
Relax Mike, breathe easy
MIKE:
How am I supposed to breathe easy with this thing on? You said you could knot a tie!
JANICE:
I said I could tie a knot! Two very different things!
MIKE:
What if he's a dropout, a low life, a sponger, someone who depends on the state, or worse, someone who depends on me! . . . . . . . . . .What if he's a vegetarian!
JANICE:
He's 27, he's got this far without bothering you, and besides, you've spoken to him on the phone
MIKE:
Voices can be deceptive Janice. I give you Amy Winehouse! Her voice is Strange and Hoarse, while her face, well it's much the same come to think of it. Not sure of my point there exactly
JANICE:
I'm sure if he takes after his father, he'll have no trouble in the looks department. You've just got to hope the ears aren't a genetic thing!
MIKE:
Janice, you are not helping! Maybe I shouldn't have gone through with it, maybe I should have kept it to myself.
JANICE:
You should have done that 28 years ago
MIKE:
I can't believe I was stupid enough to agree to this. I could have just said no, not interested, leave me alone
JANICE:
He's your son, you've got responsibilities!
MIKE:
Fatherhood begins with helping with the delivery and cutting the cord. Not choosing the wine and paying the bill.
JANICE:
I thought you might be paying the bill.
MIKE:
It's the least I can do
JANICE BEGINS POURING WINE INTO THE TWO SPARE GLASSES OPPOSITE THEM, UNTIL THE BOTTLE IS FINISHED, SHE THEN PUTS THE EMPTY BOTTLE AND THE WINE LIST INTO HER HANDBAG
MIKE:
What are you doing?
JANICE:
I'm getting rid of the evidence. It's the cheapest bottle on the Wine List you tight git
MIKE LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED, CHECKS HIS WATCH, THEN LOOKS AROUND, HE SEES A WALL DEDICATED TO THE FAMOUS ITALIAN GANGSTERS TO HIS LEFT, THEN REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE
MIKE:
Look, I'm not made of money and besides, I've had no input into this boy's life, what if he's trouble, what if he's a nasty piece of work . . . .
MIKE DOESN'T NOTICE, BUT HIS SON SIMON AND GIRLFRIEND GRACE WALK IN JUST AS HE SAYS
MIKE: (CONTINUED)
What if he's a CRIMINAL?
SIMON:
Mike. . . . . Erm Dad?
MIKE:
And as I was saying, the price of the wine is Criminal. Simon! . . . . Son!
SIMON IS EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING AND VERY SMARTLY DRESSED. SIMON GOES TO HUG MIKE, MIKE GOES IN WITH A HAND SHAKE, SIMON CORRECTS HIS HUG AND GOES FOR A SHAKE, JUST AS MIKE DOES THE OPPOSITE. THEY SETTLE FOR A HANDSHAKE
SIMON:
This is Grace
GRACE IS VERY PRETTY AND DRESSED VERY ELEGANTLY; SHE SHAKES THEIR HANDS AND DOES A CUTE CURTSY. SIMON AND GRACE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE
MIKE:
This is my wife, Janice. The wonders of Internet Shopping
THEY ALL GET THEMSELVES COMFORTABLE AT THE TABLE, GRACE IS FUMBLING WITH HER NAPKIN, FOLDING IT AND UNFOLDING IT, EVENTUALLY LAYING IT ACROSS HER LAP, SIMON TAKES A SIP OF THE WINE AND WINCES, JANICE MAKES SURE THE BOTTLE IS WELL HIDDEN IN HER HANDBAG AND MIKE SIGNALS FOR THE WAITER AND MAKES A BOOK OPENING SIGN WITH HIS HANDS, THE WAITER UNDERSTANDS AND GOES OFF IN SEARCH OF MENUS
GRACE:
So, you met on an Internet Dating site, how sweet
JANICE:
Well, not really
MIKE LOOKS AT JANICE, AS IF TO SAY "SHALL I TELL THEM?"
MIKE:
I was buying some male cosmetics on Ebay, for the wrinkles. Janice was selling
SIMON AND GRACE LOOK AT JANICE, CONFUSED
JANICE:
I ran a small business. I used to sell men's cosmetics, aimed primarily at reducing the appearance of ageing.
GRACE:
So you don't anymore?
JANICE:
I'm afraid not, it was a really tough time for me. People started to leave angry feedback saying such awful things
JANICE SEEMS A LITTLE UPSET. SIMON TAKES ANOTHER SIP OF HIS WINE
SIMON:
I really do think you were ripped off (LOOKING AT MIKE)
JANICE RAISES HER EYEBROWS, SURPRISED AT SIMONS DIRECT STATEMENT
SIMON:
How much did you pay? I'd ask for my money back
MIKE LIKES THE IDEA OF GETTING HIS MONEY BACK AND LOOKS TOWARDS JANICE, WHO IS NOW ANGRY
JANICE:
Don't even . . .
SIMON:
It's terrible; how much did you say it was? It tastes like the cheapest one on the wine list
EVERYONE NOW GETS IT, BUT JANICE IS STILL ANGRY WITH MIKE
JANICE:
It was!
MIKE IS EMBARASSED AND TRIES TO ADJUST HIS TIE, DUE TO THE KNOT, IT JUST GETS SMALLER AND TIGHTER. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE
MIKE: (STUMBLING FOR WORDS)
I, I . . .I don't think it was the cheapest one my dear
JANICE PULLS OUT THE EMPTY BOTTLE FROM HER BAG AND BANGS IT ON THE TABLE, JUST AS THE WAITER ARRIVES WITH THE MENUS.
SIMON:
To be fair, that probably is the cheapest one on the menu
JANICE IS NOW A LITTLE EMBARASSED AS THE WAITER IS STILL STANDING THERE
JANICE:
Is there anything else?
WAITER:
Can I have my wine list back please (HE POINTS TOWARDS JANICE'S BAG)
JANICE DIPS INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT THE WINE LIST AND HANDS IT TO THE WAITER. HE TUCKS IT UNDER HIS ARM AND HANDS OUT THE MENU'S, THEY ARE VERY BIG
WAITER:
The soup of the day is onion, the specials are Calves Liver and Monkfish, both served with Garlic Mash and Garden Vegetables. I'll be back for your orders, and the menu's (LOOKS AT JANICE) in just a tick
THE WAITER PICKS UP THE EMPTY BOTTLE AND LEAVES
THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A MOMENT, MIKE FEELS HE HAS TO MAKE THINGS MORE COMFORTABLE
MIKE:
Wow, I really don't know where to start
SIMON:
How about the birth
MIKE:
Well, erm.
SIMON:
or we can start before that if you like. How about the day you left mum?
MIKE HAS ANOTHER TUG AT HIS TIE AND THEN TAKES A BIG GULP OF HIS WINE, HE WINCES, IT'S CLEARLY AWFUL
GRACE:
Why don't we start with something a little more upbeat? Like the day Mike met your mum
SIMON:
It was the same day
Grace:
Oh
MIKE:
Look, Simon, I don't know what to say. Your mum and me, it was very brief
JANICE:
Nice to see things haven't changed
MIKE:
Listen Simon; I really liked your mum. I thought the night was never going to end. I thought I'd found the girl of my dreams. I went home with a skip in my step. I found out the next day from one of her friends that her Dad was angry with her being late home and I never saw her again. She just shut herself away, well; her Mum and Dad kept her shut away more like. This was before the days of mobile phones and emails. I couldn't just call her up, or send her an email. Within weeks they'd moved away. Upped sticks and gone. There were rumours but I never knew how true they were. If I'm honest I didn't want to believe them, I didn't even want to think about it, I was 20 years old. 20 years old
MIKE'S SPEECH GETS MORE EMOTIONAL WITH EVERY WORD
JANICE:
I think I'll go for the Fish Cakes
SIMON:
Mike . . . . Dad. I'll be honest. I've got no agenda. I've no axe to grind. I contacted you because I wanted to get to know you. I'm not angry. I just wanted to make you sweat a bit
MIKE WIPES HIS BROW, LOOKING RELIEVED
SIMON:
Mum never stopped me asking about you. I was inquisitive from an early age. She'd tell me things she couldn't have known, just to keep me happy. Things like "You've got your dad's persistence!" She always spoke highly of you, never put you down in front of me. The one thing she did insist on was that I wasn't to contact you in her lifetime. I stayed true to her word. (PAUSE) I never did.
JANICE:
Actually, I might go for the stuffed mushrooms, do you think it comes with garlic mayonnaise?
SIMON IS GLAD OF THE INTERRUPTION, HE WAS BEGINNING TO GET A LITTLE EMOTIONAL
SIMON:
I would think so Janice (GLANCES AT GRACE FOR COMFORT) you can always ask for some if it doesn't
GRACE GRABS SIMONS HAND AND GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, JANICE NOTICES THE ENGAGEMENT RING, IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE
JANICE:
Ooh, what a sparkler! Wow, look at that Mike! That's what I call a ring.
GRACE:
It's perfect; I love it!
MIKE:
It's nice; it's really nice. Have you set a date?
SIMON:
We only got engaged on Saturday, it just seemed the perfect time to do it. All of our friends and family were there
JANICE:
PAAAAAAAARRTY! (JANICE MIMES DRINKING WITH BOTH HANDS)
SIMON:
It was mum's funeral
JANICE LOOKS HORRIFIED AND QUICKLY CALLS OVER A WAITER
JANICE:
Champagne over here please waiter! They're getting married! (POINTS TO GRACE AND SIMON) and he's paying (POINTS TO MIKE)
MIKE:
For the Champagne (MIKE JUMPS IN QUICK)
WAITER:
Shall I fetch the wine list sir?
JANICE:
I'm sure the cheapest one will do!
THE WAITER GOES OFF TO GET THE CHAMPAGNE
SIMON:
It's why I wanted to track you down. When we decide on a date, we'd like you there.