British Comedy Guide

All at Sea

I've been working on a radio sitcom for a little while now and thought I'd post a scene to test the water. It's called 'Son of Neptune' and it's set on a container ship.

Let me know what you think.

Archie and Owen have just received a message from crewman Groat that the Captain wants to see them.

************************************************************

SCENE 2: CAPTAIN'S OFFICE - DAY

CAPTAIN ANTWERP waits for OWEN and ARCHIE.

F/X: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

CPT. ANTWERP: Archie my boy! How's the wife?

ARCHIE: Still not married, Sir.

CPT. ANTWERP: And who's this with you? New recruit eh?

ARCHIE: Captain, this is Owen. You sent for him.

CPT. ANTWERP: Funny, can't remember ordering a cabin boy. Oh well, so be it! You can start in the toilet, it's filthy.

OWEN: Tempting as that is Sir, you asked for me to fulfil an order for you.

CPT. ANTWERP: That's right; the toilet! If that's not an order I don't know what is, now get to work!

OWEN: Archie, you talk to him. He listens to you.

ARCHIE: No he doesn't.

CPT. ANTWERP: What's that?

ARCHIE: Captain; Groat said you had an acquisition order?

CPT. ANTWERP: Groat? Groat? Groat! Oh yes, of course! You know, sometimes I think I might need one of those thing-um-ies, you know?

OWEN: A CAT scan?

CPT. ANTWERP: A day off. Now what can I do for you two?

ARCHIE: Captain, the order?

CPT. ANTWERP: Oh yes. I've got it written down so I don't forget. Yes, here it is. We've got the owner coming aboard when we dock in two days and I want to lay on a special dinner, very haute cuisine, and I know he's a bit of a connoisseur of endangered meats.

ARCHIE: Right. By endangered you mean, 'on the list of animals close to extinction'?

CPT. ANTWERP: That's it. But I want to go one better than that. I want to land a species that scientists have yet to discover.

OWEN: And that would be?

CPT. ANTWERP: An Ubberdubberdactyl.

OWEN: Let me get this straight. You want us to find a creature called, and forgive me if I pronounce this incorrectly, not being a cryptozoologist myself, an Ubberdubberdactyl?

CPT. ANTWERP: An Ubberdubberdactyl.

OWEN: A creature that so far as you know only exists in mythology?

ARCHIE: And so far as myself and Owen know, may only exist in your imagination?

CPT. ANTWERP: That's the ticket. Rudolf is already preparing one of the lifeboats for you and here's the map. You'll need that to find the island.

OWEN: Is it worth my mentioning that myself and Archie are cooks and not explorers who specialise in hunting creatures that don't exist?

CPT. ANTWERP: What?

OWEN: That's what I thought.

*******************************************

Share this page