Here's my sketch from last week. It's probably a bit too long...
HOT TUB POLITICS AND WALL STREET BANK BREAK-UP
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FX: BATHROOM: GURGLING SOUND OF HOT TUB
BROWN: Alistair! Come in. I want to discuss Obama's proposal to break up the banks.
DARLING: Yes – it's a very serious development. We can't afford to lie back and relax. By the way, what are you doing in that hot tub?
BROWN: Multi-tasking, my friend. Ooh! The Americans love hot tubs you know. When you've got one of these babies, you can invite your mates around anytime for drinks and dips.
DARLING: It seems a bit weird to entertain guests in the bathroom, Gordon. Shouldn't the hot tub be in the garden?
BROWN: Nonsense! I wouldn't want my neighbours watching me have a bath.
DARLING: I am your neighbours watching you have a bath.
BROWN: You're right. I should listen to you more often, Darling. Oh, hang on – surely it would be too cold outside?
DARLING: No silly! The hot water keeps you warm. The problem is: it's very bad for the environment.
BROWN: Oh bugger that! Anyway, back to business. Answer me this: how can we pretend to show our full support to Obama without interfering with British banks?
DARLING: We can't Gordon. (MELODRAMIC) We mustn't do shit until we've had time to think about it. (GEEKY VOICE) And besides, we need more information.
BROWN: Nonsense! That didn't stop the Tories – they said that they "fully supported Obama's plan – kind of". So we too must "fully support Obama's plan – kind of".
FX: TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
BROWN: Hello Alistair. Would you like to come over for (FUNNY VOICE) "cocktails and canapés"? Now, don't forget to bring your trunks, or you'll have to go commando.
DARLING: OK Gordon, I shall give it a whirl.
BROWN: Not in my hot tub, you won't! (HANGS UP)
DARLING: (TO HIMSELF) Go commando? On a Wednesday?
FX: GARDEN: GURGLING OF HOT TUB
DARLING: My point is Gordon – are you actually wearing Speedos? Sorry, what I meant to say was: there's no need to be hasty and I need to see more detail … (PANIC) of Obama's plans.
BROWN: No way. We "fully support Obama's plan – kind of" – like the Tories. There's a bandwagon rolling our way Alistair, and I'm not getting on it without you. Otherwise it might look like Obama's proposal wasn't basically my idea.
DARLING: It wasn't.
BROWN: Exactly. Now listen up. There's a delegation of US officials in town this week – I'll invite them over for (FUNNY VOICE) "cocktails and canapés".
DARLING: No Gordon, that isn't a good idea.
BROWN: Sure it is: We can chat with the guys in the hot tub; and I'll wear my sexy Speedos for the ladies.
DARLING: (PANIC) No Gordon, that definitely isn't a good idea!
FX: LATER IN GARDEN: CHATTER AND GURGLING
BROWN: Thank you all for coming! Has everybody got a drink? Fantastic! Now perhaps you could jump in first Alistair Darling – make sure the water isn't too hot for the rest of us?
DARLING: No problem, I don't mind being the guinea pig! Ooh yeah! That is lovely. Hang on, something's wrong … the water's turning red!
BROWN: Don't worry! I used an additive that turns the water red if somebody does a little wee-wee in the hot tub.
GUESTS: (ALL GASP AND GROAN WITH DISGUST.)
MAN: I think I'll pass, man.
WOMAN: Oh that's gross! You Brits!
DARLING: (SHOUTS) Bloody hell Gordon, you could have told me!
