I have to live.. with this?

Hey this is my first attempt just a little thing I knocked up based on two flatmates not suited for eachother at all. Tell me what you think

Scene 1 – Peter has just arrived home from work, exhausted and moody, he enters and sets down his bags rather carelessly and walks into the living room. Angelo is watching a cartoon on the television with dirty plates and cans in front of him.

Peter: Angelo! What the bloody hell are you doing?

Angelo: TV.

Peter (infuriated): I told you my parents are coming tonight get off your arse! I had this place cleaned! Phillipa was here today!

Angelo: Oh she was the cleaner?

Peter: What do you mean 'oh she was the cleaner'?

Angelo: Well I thought she was one of those Gypo's that breaks into your flat. Remember I showed you that video on YouTube? I told her where to go.

Angelo points his thumb behind him in a 'get lost' gesture. He now has a smug smile on his face.

Peter: What? How could you do such a thing! You're such an idiot! (He suddenly pauses then looks up) Oh yes. No you were right.

Angelo: I was?

Peter: Yes. I don't see why I didn't see it before. Of course someone is going to want to break into our flat for the 16-inch television and the stale f**king Cornflakes!

Angelo (a look of defeat on his face): Yeah well, I'm going out.

Peter (still angry): My parents are coming I need help with the dinner and everything!

Angelo: Oh come on you know I hate your parents! I don't see why I have to be here when they are anyway! Remember when your mum slipped on the front steps and blamed it on me! She was in A&E for weeks and kept trying to sue me, the bitch!

Peter (absolutely enraged): YOU SMEARED VASELINE ON THE CONCRETE STEPS!

Angelo (rises to his level): Blair raised the terror threat to significant! Significant! If you think im going to sit here and let those bastards bomb me you can think twice!

Peter (quite hysterically): WHAT?!

Peter stares into his face in utter disbelief. Angelo looks back, but appears to be looking in two directions. Peter begins to shake furiously.

Peter: I don't believe you! Oh forget it! Just go and get dressed they'll be coming in 45 minutes. Just go! I'll clean up!
Scene 2 – Peter, Angelo, Mick and Joan are at the dinner table. Peter is looking especially worn out. Mick and Joan are oblivious to all previous events.

Mick: -and some of the stuff was so graphic I was sure it shouldn't be on television. Two men doing that kind of thing?

They all give a polite laugh, apart from Angelo who mutters something.

Angelo (muttering): I bet you enjoyed it. Probably taped it.

Attention has now been diverted to him and Peter kicks him under the table.

Angelo: Why did you just kick me?

Peter (trying to cover it up): I was… going to tell you to get out my new gadget I got from the town the other day.

Joan: Oh, we know you love your gadgets Peter!

Angelo: Yeah. This one doesn't vibrate though.

Peter looks at him in shock and Joan and Mick look towards him puzzled.

Peter (speaking rather fast): Well here it is.

He lifts out a plastic bag onto the table and reveals a photo frame that slides pictures electronically.

Peter: Here we go. (He plugs it into his laptop)

The photo frame begins to slide pictures of him in random places and with friends and family.

Joan: Oh! Isn't that clever we really should get one of those for our flat dear! How exactly does it work Peter?

Mick and Joan lean in a little closer.

Peter: Well what you do is connect it to the laptop and it takes pictures that you have saved on there and just slides through them randomly. It's quite simple.

They all look at the photo frame. Mick and Joan are awestruck by the concept of the device. Suddenly everyone's faces drop as pornographic pictures are revealed on the photo frame. Peter manages to turn the laptop off as the third picture comes around. There is an extremely awkward silence. Peter's head slowly turns to face Angelo.

Angelo (slightly croaky): Erm, I should have probably mentioned I used you laptop earlier.

BUMP

Dear Mr. Bump,

It never really grabbed me

there are some funny lines in there, but it just seemed a little to similar (not that I can think of why its similar.)

I think it would work with a little tightening up as a sketch rather than a sitcom. Butthat's only my opinion.

A bit

Quite generic. I think you need to think of an actual idea if this is a sketch.
If it's a sitcom then some characters too.

It's a bit juvenile for my taste. The main source of humour appears to come from the fact that one character is insensitive, rude, violent, and unapologetic and everyone else is shocked by this (why are they still surprised by his behaviour?). The other characters are stooges for this. The parents are written as though by a teenager who doesn't understand or appreciate parents but sees them as generic old fuddy duddies, easily shocked and out of touch with the world (the Mum is pure "that's nice deary"). This is another reason why the piece feels cliched, old fashioned, and somewhat juvenile, though note - the comedy currently available that is aimed at the teenage market do not take this approach to character parents anymore.

Therefore, there isn't really a good part for anyone to play at the mo apart from Angelo, and the biggest problem with this is the logic - it's called "I have to live with this?" and the answer is no, no one does. So why are they living together? Why does one character allow the other to nearly murder his mother, who he then invites back and insists that his flatmate, who behaves the same mean way in every scenario (so far), be with him?

Lastly, you should try and have a mind for where you think the outlet for such material is. Obviously not TV or radio, so what sort of stage audience? Sketch or play? As a play it's lacking a sense of plot - it's one note throughout and no development. So maybe rework as a sketch where you can keep it short, to the point, and pull the same trick again and again (not my favourite type of sketch, but they do sell).

Hope this helps and sorry if you feel it's too harsh. I haven't commented on the other sketches of yours you keep bumping (that's a bit naughty, don't you think?) but tbh, I get really bored with sketches that parody TV shows (like gameshows/interviews, etc) for their own sake. It's not just you who do them, but as I was here, I thought I'd explain.

What a beautifully put and insightful crit, Empty. I can't argue with a single one of your points. I was going to put a similar crit up, but I shall not bother now. I've been out-critiqued.

I'm with Ben. Some great feedback from Empty.