Skit Comp 1-8.2.10!

Good stuff again but ultimate congrats to... OTTERFOX for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Kasm, Mr Sunshine, Cool Mikado
1 - 1 - James, Nigel Kelly
Special Mention: me, Timbo

Your new subject: NATURE
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 8.2.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

115 - Cool Mikado - NEW LEADER!
111 - Chris Forshaw
103 - Frankie
102 - Otterfox
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Fred Sunshine
87 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Michael Monkhouse
76 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Kasm
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
32 - Scratchyr
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Gerry McDonnell
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Angiebaby
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - James
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Stephen Birch
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT. DAY. PRESENTER NAMED TOM IS DRESSED IN WILDLIFE ATTIRE. HE WALKS TOWARDS CAMERA.

TOM:
Hi. My name is Tom Williams and I…

VOICE OFF CAMERA:
No its not!

TOM:
What?

VOICE:
Your name is Tom Wilkinson.

TOM:
Oh yeah.

TAKE 2.

TOM:
Hi. My name is Tom Wi-. (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) Who said something?

TAKE 3.

TOM:
My name is Tom Willig, Tom Wi, Tom…

VOICE:
Tom, just say your name!!

TAKE 4.

TOM:
My name is Tom, and I wasn't always this rugged man of nature you see before you.

TOM DROPS TO THE GROUND CLASPING HIS LEG.

TOM:
Oooh! Ow! Oh no!

CREW CROWD AROUND HIM.

CREW:
Tom, what is it? What happened?

TOM IS BEGINNING TO PASS OUT.

TOM:
Nettle… a nettle. Go to…. A commercial..

CUT AND COME BACK TO TOM SHAKILY STANDING IN A FIELD.

TOM:
Wildcat attacks are becoming more and more common. These days it can be very dangerous to go on a hiking trip so I have made a DVD with my 5 rules which will ensure that you will not be attacked. To find out these 5 vital rules be sure to buy my DVD.
For now I will give you a quick snippet of what's available on the DVD so I'm just going to give you 4 of the 5 tips.

Rule 1: Hiking.

Never hike alone. Hike with kids. The cat will attack smaller prey.

CUT TO FATHER AND 2 KIDS HIKING. 1 OF THE KIDS DISAPPEARS INTO THE TALL GRASS. THE SAME HAPPENS THE 2ND KID.
FATHER LOOKS AROUND, WIPES HIS BROW IN RELIEF AND GIVES A THUMBS-UP TO THE CAMERA.

Rule 2: Deer.

Never dress up as a deer when going hiking.

MAN APPEARS FROM BELOW CAMERA CHEWING GRASS WITH ANTLER SHAPED TWIGS STRAPPED TO THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD. HE SPOTS A WILD CAT, SCREAMS AND SPRINTS AWAY.

Rule 3: Never say 'Jimmy Walsh'

2 MEN TREKKING.

MAN 1:
Did you ever get your car battery fixed that time?

MAN 2:
Yeah, I took it to whats his name...... Jimmy Walsh.

THE CAT PULLS HIM DOWN AN EMBANKMENT.

TOM:
RULE 4: Insults.

Never call the cat insulting names. This will just enrage the animal. Your only hope in this situation is to pin the blame on somebody else.

CUT TO TOM WITH ANOTHER MAN CLOSE-BY.

TOM:
(shouts at cat which is off camera) Hey wild cat! You piece of crap. You watered down, sabre-tooth tiger wannabe!

CAT APPROACHES.

TOM:
Aaaagh (points at other man) It was him!

OTHER MAN IS JOLTED OUT OF SHOT.

TOM TURNS TO CAMERA;

TOM:
You see! So happy hiking everyone and make sure it's anyone but you…or um me…

END.

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

A LARGE GROUP OF ANIMALS ARE GATHERED AROUND A LION

LION:
...so we'll have no more urinating in the lake hey lads, it's disgusting.

ELEPHANT:
Hold on a minute Leo, I get it; you're the king and what you say goes, but were you ever elected?

LION:
We've always been a monarchy here Ellie. Keep your lefty Guardian-reading opinions to yourself.

HIPPO:
I'm with Ellie here. Having a king is pretty passé. Personally, I think we should vote for a president.

ANTELOPE:
A president? What about tradition.

HIPPO:
Tradition is a fancy term for a bad habit. Let's drop it.

TIGER:
Shut it Harry. Do you have any idea how much money Leo generates for the economy? You're crazy.

HIPPO:
You would support him; you're next in line for the throne.

TIGER:
Are you questioning my impartiality?

HIPPO:
Yes, yes I am.

GORILLA:
Cool it lads, it's not worth brawling over.

TIGER:
You're right, sorry. I just don't like these tubby liberals.

ZEBRA:
What does the king actually do?

LION:
I have to make a speech at Christmas, and wave a lot. It's really hard work.

HYENA:
Lol.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he'd recently converted to Catholicism

A zebra is happily walking in the wild when he spots a group of Chameleons sporting black and white stripes.

Zebra
Oh, hilarious.

The Chameleons chuckle to themselves.

Next day the Zebra is walking in the wild when he spots the same Chameleons. This time they are sporting tiger colours.

Zebra
Oh, ha, ha, ha. You guys are so funny I forgot to laugh.

Chameleon
Sorry. You've lost us?

Zebra
The tiger colours.

Chameleon
Tiger colours?

Zebra
You're pretending to be tigers. Oh I'm really scared. I better run.

Chameleon
Sorry mate. Don't know what you're on about. We've got our reflectors on today.

EXT. JUNGLE. DAY

TWO PRAYING MANTISES, PARIS AND SHARON, ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE AT A JUNGLE RESTAURANT, WAITING TO BE SERVED. THEY ARE JOINED BY MADGE WHO PULLS UP A SEAT.

PARIS
Madge, Sweetie. How are you?

MADGE
Bloody kids!

PARIS AND SHARON EXCHANGE A LOOK

SHARON
Not Wayne, again?

MADGE
Who else? Going out with that young Brittany – I've warned him. He'll lose his head over her one of these days.

PARIS
Oooh, yeah, a real mantis-eater, that one.

MADGE
He won't listen to me though.

SHARON
Well... that's the problem with one-parent families: no discipline

MADGE
True. Ever since his poor dad was decapitated in that tragic accident.

SHARON
Nasty bug got him, I heard.

PARIS AND SHARON GIGGLE CONSPIRATORIALLY. MADGE GIVES THEM A DISMISSIVE LOOK

MADGE
'Course, the problem with Wayne is he's got a lot of his dad in him.

PARIS
Not half as much as you have.

SHARON AND PARIS FALL ABOUT LAUGHING UNTIL THEY SUDDENLY SPOT A YOUNG MALE MANTIS APPROACHING

SHARON
Hell-looo, here comes the waiter.

PARIS
Ooh, he looks tasty.

SHARON
Know what you mean, girltis – I could eat him alive.

PARIS
Yeah, but would you spit or swallow?

THE TWO FALL ABOUT LAUGHING AND THE WAITER HESITATES TURNING TO GO AND SERVE SOMEONE ELSE

MADGE
C'huh! All you two do is have a good time, take your males home, have sex then eat. I'm losing faith in the whole thing.

SHARON
Losing faith? You've go to keep that faith sister. Just keep praying.

PARIS
Just keep looking for prey, more like.

SHARON AND PARIS DISSOLVE INTO LAUGHTER AGAIN WHILE MADGE SOLEMNLY TAKES OUT A WITHERED, GREEN TUBE AND PUTS IT BETWEEN HER MANDIBLES

SHARON
What's that?

MADGE
Only thing that keeps me sane, at the minute.

PARIS
It looks like a... a...

MADGE
Penis. Mhmm, it belonged to my ex.

BOTH HER FRIENDS FLINCH

PARIS
What's in it?

MADGE
Weed. Every time I want to forget about things I just tug on this.

PARIS
So, it's a kind of cock roach, then?

THE THREE CREASE UP IN FITS OF GIGGLES

SHARON
You kill me, Paris.

MADGE
Well she would if you were male.

MORE LAUGHTER ENSUES BEFORE PARIS STARTS LOOKING AROUND

PARIS
So, where's that waiter - I'm starving.

THE MALE WAITER IS JUST APPROACHING THEIR TABLE WHEN HE OVERHEARS THE REMARK AND MOVES OFF AGAIN HURRIEDLY.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY.

TWO ELEPHANTS – HUMPHREY AND FRED - ARE WALKING THROUGH THE JUNGLE.

FRED:
(Nodding towards approaching lion) Watch this.

FRED CURLS HIS TRUNK AROUND THE LION'S TAIL, SWINGS IT AROUND, THEN SLAMS IT ON THE GROUND UNTIL IT IS SENSELESS.

HUMPHREY:
(Looking shocked) Why did you do that?

FRED:
Because I'm bigger than that.

HUMPHREY:
You're mad, you are.

THEY GO AND DRINK BY A WATERHOLE. FRED SEES A CROCODILE NEARBY AND STAMPS ON IT UNTIL ITS HEAD IS CAVED IN.

HUMPHREY:
Why did you do that?

FRED:
Because I'm bigger than that.

HUMPHREY:
You're mad, you are.

RETURNING FROM THE WATER HOLE FRED SEES A HEDGEHOG. HE STANDS ON IT, TWISTS HIS FOOT ON IT UNTIL THE HEDGEHOG IS MASHED INTO THE GROUND.

HUMPHREY:
Don't tell me. It's because you're bigger than that.

FRED:
No.

HUMPHREY:
No? Then why did you do it?

FRED:
Because my foot was itchy.

HUMPHREY:
You're mad, you are.

TWO WOLVES (DAVE & ROB) ARE SITTING IN A COTTAGE HAVING A CUP OF TEA

DAVE:
So all I'm saying mate, is if you are going to dress as an old lady, try to cover up the eyes & the teeth, otherwise it's a dead giveaway.

ROB:
To be honest I would have thought it's pretty hard to pull off regardless.

A THIRD WOLF (BRIAN) COMES RUSHING IN.

BRIAN:
Boy! Boy! Quick lads there's a shepherd boy outside.

DAVE:
Come on Rob, looks like lunchtimes come early.

ROB:
Nice one! I'm starving.

THE WOLVES ALL RUSH OUTSIDE.

DAVE:
Where did he go?

BRIAN:
Where did who go?

ROB:
The little shepherd boy.

BRIAN:
Oh that! I made it up. sorry guys I was a bit bored.

ROB:
Oy! Don't cry Boy when there's no boy!

BRIAN:
Oh come on It's just a giggle.

DAVE:
You are such a twat sometimes Brian.

CAPTION: THE NEXT DAY

ROB & DAVE ARE AT THE TABLE AGAIN

DAVE:
So there I am Rob, I'm huffing, I'm puffing...

ROB:
And still nuffing

DAVE:
That's the problems with those new builds, they make them far too strong nowadays.

BRIAN COMES RUSHING IN AGAIN

BRIAN:
Boy! Boy! There's a little shepherd boy outside!

DAVE:
You're not lying again are you Brian?

BRIAN:
No I swear, there's a delicious shepherd boy right outside, quick before he get's away.

ROB:
Well come on then! What are we waiting for!

THE WOLVES ALL RUSH OUTSIDE AGAIN.

DAVE & ROB LOOK AROUND URGENTLY FROM LEFT TO RIGHT AND THEN STARE AT BRIAN WHO IS LOOKING THE OTHER WAY & WHISTLING INNOCENTLY.

DAVE:
Erm... Brian?

ROB:
There aren't any shepherd boys out here are there Brian?

BRIAN:
Aaaaah - I gotcha again. honestly if you could see your faces.

DAVE:
Just piss off Brian!

CAPTION: THE NEXT DAY

DAVE:
And they pulled out the next ball, number 11 Aston Villa at home.

ROB:
Wooah the last thing you need is a Derby at that stage of the season.

BRIAN RUSHES IN AGAIN

BRIAN:
Boy! Boy! There's a little shepherd boy outside.

DAVE:
Yeah.. right

BRIAN:
No seriously, I know I said it before.. twice, but this time it's true.

ROB:
What-ever!

BRIAN:
No I'm really serious this time

THEY BOTH STICK TWO FINGERS UP AT BRIAN
BRIAN SHRUGS AND WALKS OUTSIDE.

CUT TO:
BRIAN SITTING CHEWING ON A HUMAN LEG THERE IS A CROOK AT HIS FEET

BRIAN: (TO CAMERA)
I know there's probably a moral to this story, but I'm buggered if I know what it is.

(Apologies if I've posted this before, can't find it tho)

FRIGHTFULLY FELINE

Three camp GUYS are crouched on all fours.

FIRST GUY: Gosh it's fun being a lion in the zoo.

SECOND GUY: Dashed right it is. Look at this. (camp growl and flourish)

THIRD GUY: Oh stop it you fiend. You'll be the death of me.

FIRST GUY: Oh please don't die. We love you so. Even if your mascara is a little too thin.

THIRD GUY: (gasps)

A GIRL enters.

SECOND GUY: Oh look here comes a visitor. Let's all do it…

The guys do the growl and flourish.

GIRL: Lovely… That was of course Gay Pride.

INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO

A PRESENTER OF A CULTURAL ARTS PROGRAMME IS SPEAKING TO THE CAMERA. SHE IS JOINED BY GUESTS (INTELLECTUAL GUY, SYCOPHANTIC FAN AND TOKEN RELIGIOUS FIGURE) FOR A DISCUSSION.

PRESENTER:
Tonight we're discussing the eponymously titled debut from Mother Nature. Released three and a half billion years ago, nature has gone on to become the most successful franchise ever. But does the multinational power house that gave us myriad forms still deserve the plaudits? Intellectual Guy, what do you make of it all?

INTELLECTUAL GUY:
I think if you look at the work as a whole, it shows a lack of direction.
I mean, it was a few million years before there was anything other than a few cells floating about. While the blobby phase was important in terms of establishing character, there was no plot and it seemed a little bit...samey.

PRESENTER:
There certainly are lot of recurring themes in her work. Sycophantic Fan, do you ever feel that there could be more variety:

SYCOPHANTIC FAN:
I don't know why people always bring this up. I mean, sure there's a few with legs, or wings but there is this tendency to overlook the areas which demonstrate her full creativity.

INTELLECTUAL GUY:
Such as?

SYCOPHANTIC FAN:
The Platypus.

PRESENTER:
Don't you think that Nature would have benefitted from not putting so many ideas into one mammal?

INTELLECTUAL GUY:
If we're being frank, we've all seen a duck and we've all seen a furry creature of some sort I'm sure. Just stitching them together like that was lazy in my opinion. Although I have to admit the egg laying twist was enjoyable.

PRESENTER:
A lot of people, myself for one, seem perplexed that the way the piece is performed; the audience actually have to eat the cast in order to be able to observe the show. What do you both think she is trying to say in this instance?

SYCOPHANTIC FAN:
It can only be that in order to fully experience all things we have to know what they taste like.

INTELLECTUAL GUY:
I disagree.

PRESENTER:
Why's that?

INTELLECTUAL GUY:
Just do. I'm clever you see.

PRESENTER:
Thank you. Now. We only have time for one more question and I'd like to go over to token religious figure, who's joining us via video link. Now, token Religious Figure, you've seen all that creation has to offer in its beauty, its ugliness and more often than not, cruelty. Worthy of worship?

RELIGIOUS FIGURE:
I was appalled by the shockingly late appearance of humans. I had to sit through eons of creatures roaming the earth like they owned the place and when humans do finally get some decent parts with some lines; it's five minutes from the end!

SYCOPHANTIC FAN:
What about the dinosaurs?

INTELLECTUAL GUY:
Indeed; the dinosaurs were excellent.

RELIGIOUS FIGURE:
Erm...I must have fallen asleep for that bit. I don't remember anything about any dinosaurs.

PRESENTER
Ok. Thank you all for joining me. Good night.

END.

For radio:

REPORTER: So what is 'rewilding'?

COUNTRY TYPE: People don't realise, but this land would once all have been covered in wildwood, roamed by wild boar, beaver, elk, even moose. Our aim is to reintroduce that lost fauna.

REPORTER: But you are also reintroducing large predators, such as wolves, lynx and bears?

COUNTRY TYPE: As part of the ecosystem they play an essential role in controlling numbers.

REPORTER: Does not natural predation involve an element of cruelty?

COUNTRY TYPE: Ha ha. Townspeople need to understand it is simply nature's way.

REPORTER: Yes, but is the best place for this experiment really Romford?

CHAV: Aagh!!! Izza bear innit!

COUNTRY TYPE: You have to start somewhere.

FX: CHAV BEING EVISCERATED BY A BEAR

REPORTER: And if this is a success?

COUNTRY TYPE: Jurassic Croydon.

EXT. FOREST.DAY

PROFESSOR CARMICHAEL IS TRACKING SILENTLY THROUGH THE FOREST ACCOMPANIED BY MATU HIS YOUNG INDIAN ASSISTANT. THEY CONTINUE FOR A WHILE UNTIL MATU ACCIDENTALLY STANDS ON A TWIG WHICH SNAPS WITH A LOUD CRACK.THEY BOTH FREEZE UNTIL IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THERE HAS BEEN NO ADVERSE AFFECT. MATU SILENTLY SHOWS HIS APOLOGY AND THEY CONTINUE TO TRACK UNTIL THEY REACH A CLEARING. IN THE CLEARING STANDS A UNICORN

PROFESSOR CARMICHAEL
Look, there Matu, we have found Re'em, last of the Unicorns

MATU
She is truly beautiful sire

THEY GAZE UPON IT IN AWE FOR A FEW MOMENTS

PROFESSOR CARMICHAEL
Pass me my rifle Matu

MATU
Here sire

PROFESSOR CARMICHAEL TAKES AIM AND FIRES, KILLING THE UNICORN INSTANTLY

PROFESSOR CARMICHAEL
Yes, one shot!

THEY HIGH FIVE LAUGHING

OKLAHOMA
Idiot!

EXT. DAY. COVENT GARDEN.

A CROWD ARE GATHERED WATCHING A STREET ENTERTAINER. THE ENTERTAINER IS DRESSED AS TARZAN.

A TOURIST WALKS PAST AND TARZAN SNEAKS UP BEHIND HIM, IMITATING THE TOURIST'S WALK.

AS THE TOURIST STOPS AND LOOKS ROUND, TARZAN DOES THE SAME.

CAMERA TILTS UP TO BANNER SAYING 'TARZAN, LORD OF THE APE.'

'Some people say it's not natural, but I'd seen Sex and the City and I was looking forward to my first cougar experience.

Turns out he was just using me to buy him cigarettes.'

Scratchyr