Picasso Jones and Billy Foothigh in Grave Matters.

Radio Show [I could'nt get this to copy and paste so had to try and write it in the thread!.]

A couple of pages from one of set of six shows featuring Jones and Foothigh two police officers in olde England.

Narratornce again ladies and gentlemen the two most famous
policemen on radio are out to solve another case of
intrigue and cunning.This time our detective duo find themselves
[PAUSE] where are you this time?

Foothighssh...we're over here.

Narrator:Where?

Foothigh:Here in this graveyard[SFX.WIND.BELLS.WOOD.CREAKING.BARKING.]

Narrator:Right.I'm off[SFX.RUNNING AWAY.]

Foothigh:[SHOUTING AFTER HIM] Scaredy cat.

Narrator:[FROM DISTANCE] Watch out its behind you.[SFX.WIND.BELLS.CREAKING BRANCHES
LOUD SHOUT BOO FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER.]

Jones: Ignore him Foothigh theres nothing to be scared of.The dead can't hurt you.

Voices: Oh yes we can[SPOOKY LAUGHTER]

Jones: I'm going to have a word with the scriptwriters about this.

Footmanir?[SOBBING]

Jones: What is it?

Footman:I want my mummy[CRYING.SUCKING THUMB]

Jones: Oh don't be daft man, theres nothing to be frightened of and as for wanting your
mother shes right here with you,isn't she?

Foothigh:Yes sir.Shes buried by that large tree that keeps creaking all the time.Five years to
the day since she died.[SFX.CREAKING TIMBERS] Right on the stroke of midnight it
was.[SFX.WIND.BLOWING.BELL CHIMES.] I remember someone was singing at the time

Jones: Was it chucking out time at the pub downstairs?

Foothigh: Would you mind if I paid a visit?

Jones: Number ones or twos?

Foothigh: To see my mother sir.

Jones: Oh yes,off you go.I'll keep watch.

Foothigh: Won't be a moment[SFX.WIND.FOOTSTEPS.]

Jones: Hang on I'll keep you company.[SFX.RUNNING]

Foothigh: Here we are.

Jones: Would you like a minute?

Foothigh: Can I have a light?

Jones: I thought you'd given up?

Foothigh:No sir,the lantern.I want to read the inscription.[SNIFFLE]

Jones: Here hold this.I'll read it for you.[CLEARS THROAT] Here ,lies Cinderella
Foothigh...Died at sea...Fell off the quayside into the dock...God bless her
and all who sailed in her.

Foothigh:Brings a tear to the eye.

Jones: That'll be this wind,cuts right through.

Foothigh:You know never knew my father...

Jones: [WHISPERING] Nor did your mother.

Foothigh:[SNIFFLE] On my birth certificate it says fathers unknown,but one day I'm going to
find him and when I do I'm going to run right up to him and punch him so hard in
the kneecaps..

Jones: Leave it Foothigh,don't go upsetting yourself
SFX.GIGGLES.
Jones:[cont] Quick behind the tree.

Femail Voice: Oh Arthur I can't do it 'ere.Its kinda creepy.

Mail Voice:Go on.No one will see.

Jones: [CLEARING THROAT] Excuse me.

SFX.LOUD.SCREAM.ZIPPING OF TROUSERS.

Male Voice: 'Ere its one of them Peeking Toms.

Foothigh:No we're not,and its Pepping Toms.

SFX.LOUD SCREAM.

Male Voice: There's bleeding two of 'em.Why you pair of per...

Jones: Police officers.

Foothigh:Why its Mr Heavens.

Jones: You know him?

Foothigh:Its the vicar who buried my mother.

Male Voice: Foothigh?

Femail Voice: Yes you are aren't you?

Mail Voice:Is that your mothers grave?

Foothigh:[SNIFFLE] Yes it is.

Femail Voice: Did she die when you were small?

Jones: No hes always been that size.

Femail Voice: How did you get in the police force?

Foothigh:I lied about my height.

SFX.GHOSTLY NOISES.

Narrator:Is there anybody there?Is there anybody there?

Jones: I thought you had gone home?

Narratoromeones locked the door.

Foothigh:Hope your not scared are you?

Narrator: Who said that? Oh didn't see you down there.

Jones: Stop it the pair of you.

Narrator: One and half of us.

Jones: Now Mr Heavens why are you in this graveyard at this
late hour?

Foothigh: Yes whats up vicar?

Femail Voice: Nothings up now.

Vicar: My goodfellows my assistant Miss Lotte Ballsover and myself are here on a
mission.

Foothigh: Missionary position more like.

Vicar: We aim to bring solice,peace and hope to the lost souls of the night.

Foothigh:Are souls all around us?

Narrator:That would be a yes from where I'm standing.

Vicar: Many are the souls that wander the vast ether of the night unable to past over to the
other side.

Jones: What channel 4?

Vicar: Far beyond the reaches of time and reason...

Foothigh:You don't mean channel 5?

Vicar: Out there in the great voids of space...

SFX.CREAKING BRANCHES.HOWLING
WOLVES.CRYING.SCREAMS.THE THEME
FROM TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED.

Foothigh: I want my mummy

Vicar: And she wants you my son,fear not for the lord is upon us.

Femail Voice: One of his employees was nearly upon me.

Jones: Foothigh drag your arms away from that headstone.
[ SFX.PLOP.PLOP.] and as for you vicar I must as you to
leave this sketch at once for there is much at stake.

Vicar: Yes of course and talking of steaks there is something I
must do before daybreak.Come Lotte.

Lotte:Not this time.

SFX.FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

Hi Happy, I enjoyed the start with the interaction with the narrator. I also like the contemporary references (channel 5 etc). There were some really funny lines but IMHO it lacked an actual story to hang the lines on. Saying that, if the characters were more defined I could see this being enjoyable to listen to.