Some of them need re-writing, especially to fit into a proper set but feel free to let me know what you think.
1. I love listening to Test Match Special, or Geoffrey Boycott as he's better known.
2. My ex told me that her new boyfriend is twice the man I am, he's got two cocks.
3. Not entirely convinced that it was a good idea to replace the laminate in the kitchen with a pelvic floor.
4. My uncle died after years of telling us he was struggling with "the Black Dog", we thought he meant depression but apparently it was next doors Alsatian.
5. Just splashed out on a new car, the guy in the showroom was furious.
6. Bizarrely aggressive ad in the JobCentre. "Male porn stars wanted, come and have a go if you think you're hard enough".
7. I love the park at the end of the road, it's right up my street.
8. Just seen a woman blow a raspberry, it's amazing the porn you can find on the internet.
9. Got my loft converted, it's now Church of England.
10. I've joined the Trade Union for pessimistic actors, Negative Equity.
11. How many people who are really bad at telling jokes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, no two, erm...no that's not it. Four! Bugger.
12. I recently tried snowboarding, that's where the CIA tie you to a board and push you off a mountain.
13. I'm planning to open a nightclub in Truro and call it "Disco in Kernow".
14. My family are having an argument about the seating arrangements for the summer barbeque, I'm sitting on the fence.
15. Just seen a Yeti with an amazing six pack, think it was the Abdominable Snowman.
16. The biggest problem with Chinese capital punishment is that 30 minutes after an execution they feel like another one.
17. Bought a DVD called "Get Fit by Training to be a Boxer" but got fed up with the constant skipping.
18. Went to a Japanese restaurant where the meals were served and then taken away again, last time I go to Yo-Yo Sushi.
19. Vin Diesel, to be honest, not my local French restaurant's best table wine.
20. Just saw a man smoking two reefers, he was double jointed.
21. Overheard conversation - "What's your pet hate?", "Well he doesn't like it when I stick my finger up his arse".
22. Easiest thing in the World? Neutralising jellyfish stings, piece of piss.
23. Bought the American update for Pro-Evolution Soccer, it's called Pro-Intelligent Design Soccer.
24. Just switched my mobile to predictive text and it told me I'm going to die in June 2047.
25. Moths, also known as "I can't believe it's not butterflies".
26. How do you tell the difference between a rook and a crow? Rooks can only fly horizontally and forwards and backwards.
27. Just eaten my lunch in the cafe outside the supermarket, I believe that's what the Italians call "Al Tesco".
28. When I was asked to do some interior design for Richard Ashcroft I told him "The rugs don't work".
29. I've written a childrens story about a sexually ambiguous monkey called "Bi-Curious George"
30. Traveled home by pogo stick last night, got stopped by the police for jumping a red light.
31. Bought a book about the history of hitchhiking, am thumbing through it.
32. My pizza just called me a "F**king stuttering prick" and shot me in the foot, last time I get a "Goodfellas".
33. Been told that I can write-off my new car against tax, so I'm just off to wrap it around a tree
34. The best thing about Festish Porn DVD extras is the "gag reel".
35. My film about the English writer Wodehouse has been certified as PG.
That's my favourite Tony.