Hello, thought I'd be brave and get some feedback from you lot who are much cleverer and more successful than me - which you all inevitably are.
I've already got a few ideas as to why these weren't picked, but would apreciate your thoughts.
1.NEWS REPORTERMr. Cameron, you've recently stated that you
Believe the alcohol labelling system to be too confusing, and you'd like to see some changes.
2.CAMERONYes, that is correct. At the moment we measure in units, but the problem is no one knows what a unit looks like, Boris in particular.
3.NEWS REPORTERSo, how would you clarify matters?
4.CAMERONWell, I'd just measure everything in good old
British pints. That way you know you've always got two units to your measure, unless it's actually drinkable, then it's four, and that's made up of three nips, unless you're drinking whisky, in which case, that's twenty, unless you're going by double measures in which case you'd say ten, but it would be the same, or four gills, which you can't actually buy in pubs these days, but might be good if you wanted to drink like a fish, except, they're not very big, so you'd probably have to start at a flagon, which you might know as a quart, then you go up in barrels that are not called barrels unless you want thirty-six gallons, and they increase in multiples of the nine times table apart from the ones that don't, and they are pins, firkins, ankers, kilderkins, barrels hogsheads and tuns, which you can remember quite easily because of the parts of the body that go wibbly after you've drunk that much and how you pronounce them, though really no one's getting up from under a tun. So there you go. Simple.
5.NEWS REPORTERMr. Cameron, thank you. I need a drink.
[END]
I thought the babble might be funny in istelf, but really that's pretty basic, and probably needs more of a killer end-line.
****
1. NICOLAHiya Cheryl. What was it you wanted me for?
2. CHERYLOh, Nicola, pet. I'm dead excited, mate. I've almost finished me book, I just had to tell someone about it.
3. NICOLAYou've been reading a book? See, I knew you could do it.
4. CHERYLNo, no, you don't understand. I've written us a book, haven't I? Being renowned as a successful and talented singer just isn't enough for us anymore. I want to show the world that there's more to my tiny skull than masses of hair, do you know what I'm saying?
5. NICOLAIt is difficult to make out sometimes with that Geordie accent. But go on.
6. CHERYLWell, it's about this dead ordinary girl from Newcastle who wakes up one morning to find herself utterly transformed. Her arms and legs are all spindly, her head is massive, her waist is tiny…
7. NICOLAAh – a semi-autobiographical Cinderella story – excellent!
8. CHERYL… she's got a long abdomen, her jaw has turned into a pair of crushing mandibles and she's grown a couple of antennae.
9. NICOLAHang on, is this about Lady Gaga?
10. CHERYLNo, she's turned into a beetle. And she just goes on as though nothing has happened. It's an existentialist exploration of the alienating effects of being a lowly worker in the capitalist system.
11. NICOLAWell I must say, I'm surprised. What happens in the end?
12. CHERYLShe goes to parties in skimpy outfits, gets papped and marries a premiership footballer.
13. NICOLAA footballer? Not another beetle?
14. CHERYLThat wouldn't be realistic. If Paul McCartney couldn't get on with a one-legged freak, I don't think another five limbs would help really, do you?
[END]
Go on, let rip!
