Skit comp 20-28.1.10

Another bumper batch but ultimate congrats to... ME for winnin'! I shall enjoy myself thinking of you, give myself 10 points and PM me for next week's subject. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - me
2 - 5 - Gerry McDonnel
1 - 1 - Cool Mikado, James, Kasm, Mr Sunshine, Stephen Birch, scratchyr
Special Mention: Nigel, Angiebaby, Jon Pearson, old chestnut

Your new subject: VEHICLES
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.1.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

111 - Chris Forshaw
110 - Cool Mikado
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
92 - Otterfox
89 - Fred Sunshine
86 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Michael Monkhouse
76 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
51 - Kasm
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
32 - Scratchyr
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Gerry McDonnell
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Angiebaby
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Stephen Birch
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - James
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

An aeroplane.
Suspicious-looking ABDUL is sitting next to a manic HOUSEWIFE.

HOUSEWIFE: Hello.

ABDUL: (jumps) Sorry – it's just people don't normally sit next to me on the plane.

HOUSEWIFE: Oh no I love it next to you. That's a real whopper in your pants there.

ABDUL (jumps again) That's private.

HOUSEWIFE: And it looks lovely. Can I touch it.

ABDUL: Of course not, it'll go off.

HOUSEWIFE: So much the better.

ABDUL: Listen, I decide when to feel this knob so it shoots off.

HOUSEWIFE: Poof.

ABDUL: I'm sorry?

HOUSEWIFE: Are you gay?

ABDUL: No I'm bloody serious. When I rub this tool we explode.

HOUSEWIFE: Mmm…

HOSTESS rushes in.

HOSTESS: I heard that Sir. One move and we bring you off.

HOUSEWIFE: Oh gosh…

ABDUL: This is all your fault you silly cow. You know what'll happen now? I'll get stoned.

HOUSEWIFE AND HOSTESS: Mmm…

The Ballard of TomFuellery

I'm running my car on a mixture of gaaaases...
And when we got time we sit down for some glaaaasses....
I put some power back when I've taken a leeeeeak -
It's an energy crisis, the oil's at a peaaaaaaak…

I'm using ethanol and methanol,
And yes this is no hyperbole,
I'm getting up to 30 mph.
A cup of tea, "just milk for me"
The motor said quite helpfully,
"And did you know in thunderstorms it's sour?"

The fumes are rising round my face
I think the pipe is still in place,
Did Herbie ever win that race?

Oh Lindsay Lo please sit upon my…chaaair.

I'm using ethanol and methanol,
And yes this is no hyperbole,
I'm getting up to 30 mph.
A cup of tea, "just milk for me."
The motor said quite helpfully,
"And did you know in thunderstorms it's sour?"

And here up on a crowded cloud
I laugh at petrolheads that crowd.
Around James May and Clarkson J
(It's probable that one is happy)...

It doesn't matter anyway
I beat the Sunday trafficay.
By giving up as fossil fool,
And switching to some stagnant gruel.
Made in
An Amazonian's
Swimming poooooooool.

Will the Kraft takeover of Cadburys have a postive effect on car manufacture in Britain? Well someones got to make those egg cars into dairylea triangles....

EXT. DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. BUS TICKET BOOTH - DAY.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN (breathless and sweating)
When's the next bandwagon for Port au Prince?

TICKET SELLER
(pointing) That one leaves in five minutes.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN
Any tickets left?

TICKET SELLER
Two. Better hurry. It's the latest bandwagon. All the celebrities want on it.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN
Then I'll take one. How much?

TICKET SELLER
Five thousand US Dollars.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN
What? That's bloody extortionate.

TICKET SELLER
Not when you take into account the publicity.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN
Okay. I'll buy it. And hurry up. I'm sweating here like a politician caught in a brothel raid.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN PAYS BY CREDIT CARD.

++++

EXT. PORT AU PRINCE . MAKESHIFT CONCERT HALL – DAY.

ALL THE CELEBS ARE THERE. THEY'VE DONE THEIR SPEECHES, SONGS ETC, THEN ROY CHUBBY BROWN WALKS ON STAGE.

HOST
Now, here we have a comedian from Britain to put some fun into our lives. Roy Chubby Brown.

A DEAFENING APPLAUSE.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN
Hungry?

CROWD:
YEAH!

ROY CHUBBY BROWN PULLS OUT A GOLD VISA CARD FROM HIS WALLET.

ROY CHUBBY BROWN
Then why don't you feast your eyes on that.

DEAD SILENCE

EXT.STREET.DAY

A COUNCIL WORKER IS STANDING NEXT TO A TOW TRUCK OPERATING SOME LEVERS AND CONCENTRATING ON CAREFULLY LIFTING A CAR ONTO THE BACK OF THE TRUCK. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CAR SLIPS AND CRASHES TO THE FLOOR

COUNCIL WORKER
Shit!

THE COUNCIL WORKER REACHES INTO ONE OF HIS POCKETS AND PRODUCES A FIFTY PENCE PIECE WHICH HE PUSHES INTO A SLOT ON THE LEVER PANEL THEN BEGINS TRYING TO 'GRAB' THE CAR ONCE MORE

Did you hear about the speeding juggernaut driver who crashed his lorry on the motorway while delivering thousands of jars of coffee?

When he was cut from the wreck his head was completely decaffinated from his body!

A police spokesman has advised others to take the accident as a warning not to speed, even if you are running latte.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Jesus is hanging on his cross atop a slight hill in the middle of the field. After a moment, a tractor goes past. A crow lands on Jesus' head.

INT. A UNDERGROUND RAILWAY CARRIAGE. DAY

A GROUP OF TOURST ARE HAVING A GUIDED TOUR OF THE UNDERGROUND. A GUIDE STANDS AT THE FRONT SPEAKING THROUGH A MICROPHONE.

GUIDE:
If you turn to page eleven of your tour guide guide, <beat> you can see some superbly detailed photos of the section we're about to enter.

THEY FLICK TO THE PAGE IN TOUR GUIDE. THE IMAGES ARE JUST BLACK RECTANGLES.

GUIDE: (CONT'D)
Now there's an interesting story to this section of tunnel.

TOURIST:
Is it the one about the blokes who dug a tunnel again?

GUIDE:
It's got a tunnel theme, but ohh, never mind. Now. If you all look to your left you can see fine example of...

TOURIST:
Dark?

GUIDE:
I was going to say murkyness.

TOURIST:
A dark murkyness?

GUIDE:
Ok a dark murkyness! But if you look into the dark murkyness you can see there's life down here, even in these conditions, bereft of light.

TOURIST:
What the long thing?

GUIDE:
Yes, just there in the darkness...and is that? Is that a little one next to it? How beautiful to see a parent teaching the ways of life to its offspring.

TOURIST: (LOOKING VERY HARD THROUGH WINDOW)
Are you sure? They don't seem to be moving.

GUIDE:
Yes I'm sure and you know, there's an interesting story of how they came to be down here, in the underground.

TOURIST:
Is it about some blokes who put some pipes and cables in a tunnel again?

END.

EXT. DAY. CAR SCRAPYARD.

A 1930'S VINTAGE AMERICAN GANGSTER STYLE CAR SITS IN A SCRAPYARD.

NEAR THE CAR IS A CRUSHER MACHINE.

A CRANE ATTEMPTS TO GRAB THE CAR, IT CLAMPS ONTO THE CAR'S ROOF BUT IS UNABLE TO LIFT IT INTO THE CRUSHER.

THE CAR DOOR OPENS AND THE ANTHILL MOB RELUCTANTLY GET OUT.

THE CRANE IS THEN ABLE TO PLACE THE CAR INTO THE CRUSHER.

AS THE ANTHILL MOB WALK AWAY THEY TURN AND SEE THE REST OF THE WACKY RACES VEHICLES LINED UP TO BE CRUSHED AS ALL THE DRIVERS LOOK FORLORN.

FOR RADIO

CLARKSON
So Hamster, what erection-raising roadster do you have for us this week?

HAMMOND
I have been gazing into the future, Jeremy. And here it is.

CLARKSON
Radical stylings. Not sure I care much for the high driving position. How are we doing for horsepower?

HAMMOND
Right now? One half horsepower. A horse's arse in fact. It's a bicycle, Jeremy you twat. And with an upsurge in demand for oil from developing countries, if you are watching this on Dave, you could already be riding one.

CLARKSON
But wait a minute, you will find, I think, that the oil price has stabilised.

HAMMOND
There are one and a quarter billion Chinamen and counting, none of them like walking, and global oil production has peaked, much like our careers. You do the arithmetic Jeremy.

CLARKSON
Ah, but now that's where I have you. The boffins will come up with something. The law of market forces dictates that where there is demand the market will supply.

HAMMOND
And your law of market forces is laughed out of court by my laws of physics. I used to introduce Brainiac, I know stuff. 60 million years of stored sunlight has been squandered, mostly sitting in traffic jams. Now shift your lardy arse.

FX: Bike gears

CLARKSON
Eek.

HAMMMOND
Not that your arse is going to be lardy much longer. Obesity a global epidemic? Problem solved!

CLARKSON
Because we are all going to be fitter and leaner from riding our bicycles?

HAMMOND
No because without your cars all you fat bastards are going to die of coronaries.

CLARKSON
Blimey.

HAMMOND
James meanwhile has been looking at the latest in eight wheel technology. Roller skates.

MAY
Coming through! Aaagh!

FX: Sound of man on roller skates crashing into a bicycle.

END.

EXT. CAR - DAY

A FAMILY OF FIVE ARE DRIVING ON A MOTORWAY. DAD IS THE DRIVER; MOM IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, GARETH (AGED 10), HENRIETTA (AGED 8) AND HARRY (AGED 6) ARE IN THE BACK SEAT.

DAD:
Can you be quiet in the back please, it's distracting.

GARETH:
It's Henrietta. She's winding me up.

HENRIETTA:
I am not.

GARETH:
She is Dad. She's being a right c**t.

DAD:
I don't care, just keep the noise down.

MOM:
Listen to your father. I've got a headache.

HARRY:
You weren't saying that last night was you mom, you rabid old skank.

DAD:
Harry, show some respect.

HARRY:
I'll have you f**king killed.

EXT. DAY.

PRESENTER:
...ha ha ha and that's how to swing a crow under the influence. Next up we have Ernie Wasp who says he is going to revolutionise the future of travel with his latest invention which he calls a 'Circolium'.
Ernie, explain this new invention of yours.

HE LOOKS TO HIS LEFT BUT ERNIE APPEARS FROM THE RIGHT.

ERNIE:
Yes I really feel this is going to take off in a big way. The Circolium will take you anywhere you want to go. It doesn't require petrol or diesel and in todays world we should be doing what we can to help the environment.

PRESENTER:
But how does it work? Can you show us?

ERNIE:
Sure.

ERNIE PICKS UP WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A WHEEL FROM A BIKE. HE PUSHES IT ALONG AND RUNS ALONG BESIDE IT.

ERNIE:
You see.... It takes you where-ever you want to go and if you're only a beginner it's lightweight so you can carry it until you get used to it. I can see this taking over from the car as the number 1 mode of tranport.

PRESENTER:
Are you sure its taking you. It looks like you are taking it.

ERNIE:
No, no, no. I'm following the Circolium. Here, hop on, have a go.

PRESENTER:
Hop on?! To what?! You're carrying a wheel under your arm!

ERNIE:
(INDIGNANT) Yeah. At first. I havent mastered it yet. Plus, this is just a prototype.

PRESENTER:
So your prototype is something that has been around for thousands of years.

ERNIE:
(Sarcastic) What, so the wheel was around in the 1700's?

PRESENTER:
Yes.

ERNIE:
..................Yeah but this is a Circolium.

PRESENTER THROWS HIS HEAD BACK IN DISMAY.

END.

AN INVENTOR (PETER JARVIS) STANDS IN FRONT OF A PROJECTOR SCREEN. HE IS MAKING A PRESENTATION TO THE DIRECTORS OF 'BLYTH & WEBLEY AUTOMATION'

MR BLYTH:
Well I don't impress easily Mr Jarvis, but what you have there is very exciting.

PETER:
No this is just the projector, your projector. I haven't even switched it on yet

MR BLYTH:
Oh there's more to come, wonderful, wonderful. Well! Please continue.

PETER:
(SWITCHES PROJECTOR ON TO REVEAL AN IMAGE OF A SAUCER SHAPED VEHICLE WITH A DOMED ROOF)
Introducing the answer to the worlds energy problems... the JARVIS 3000 Antigravitational Transportational unit.

MR BLYTH:
Well that's quite um... oh dear. Well it's very...

MR WEBLEY:
Ugly! very ugly. What on earth does it do?

PETER:
It's a Hover car, a fuelless anti gravity Hover car. To be honest I thought you'd both be astounded, or at least slightly impressed.

MR BLYTH:
I have to agree with Mr Webley I'm afraid, it is rather dipleasing to the eye. Why is it that shape for heavens sake?

PETER:
So that it can float in mid air! In order to utilise the graviational buffer field, the Jarvis 3000 needs to be streamlined at these precise angles, it's completely new technology.

MR WEBLEY:
Maybe it would look better if it had some wheels.

MR BLYTH:
Ooh yes, some wheels.

PETER:
But It doesn't need wheels, it's a flaming Hovercar!

MR BLYTH:
But we like wheels.

PETER:
If you were to add wheels it would alter the specific ultradynamic shape & therefore prevent it from Hovering.

MR BLYTH:
I don't think people will be interested in this at all if it doesn't have wheels. I find that wheels always improve the look of a vehicle.

MR WEBLEY:
That's the thing you see. Inventions need to look good first & foremost, and if they can do anything useful or different then that's an added bonus.

MR BLYTH:
I Mean you blew us away with the projector thing earlier, but this Hovercraft gizmo isn't really grabbing us in it's current form.

PETER:
Well How about I add some wheels then.

MR BLYTH:
Add some wheels you say? Hmm interesting.

PETER:
That still wouldn't solve the brand new problem of how it will actually move.

MR WEBLEY:
Yes that is a rather troublesome obstacle.

PETER:
Unless we were to use some kind of petrol powered engine to rotate the wheels, and try to achieve locomotion that way.

MR BLYTH:
Now that sounds very clever(TO MR WEBLEY)I told you he was good!

PETER:
So what you really want me to invent for you... is a car!

MR WEBLEY:
Nonsense! the car's been invented already, we are looking for you to invent a new, innovative & original product.

MR BLYTH:
If you can design some sort of wheel mounted ground based motorised Hovercar then we'd definitely be interested.

PETER: (SWITCHES OFF PROJECTOR)
Ok then! If you guys are willing to continue to fund my research, then I promise you I will work on this for as long as it takes and indeed much longer beyond that.

MR BLYTH:
That's the spirit Mr Jarvis!

PETER:
Now where can I phone a Taxi? This is going to take a considerable amount of work & I've got no time to lose.

MR WEBLEY:
No need for a Taxi Mr Jarvis....

(WE SEE MR WEBLEY SITTING ON A MOTORBIKE WHICH HAS A LARGE CYLINDER ATTACHED TO THE BACK WITH A PROPELLOR ON THE TOP )

MR WEBLEY: (CONT)
I can give you a lift on the back of my new JetPac.

INT. TRAIN CARRIAGE. DAY.

SHIRLEY, WEARING A DARK SKIRT-SUIT AND HOLDING A CLIPBOARD, IS TALKING TO A MIDDLE AGED MAN IN A FLUORESCENT TABBARD WITH 'PRESENTATION TEAM' WRITTEN ON ITS BACK. THEY HAVE JUST CLIMBED INTO A TRAIN CARRIAGE THAT HAS BEEN SERIOUSLY VANDALISED AND THE TWO OF THEM PICK THEIR WAY THROUGH IT CAREFULLY.

SHIRLEY
Morning, John. Newly commissioned train and what horrors have we got in store, this morning?

JOHN (BIT NERVOUS)
Um well, Ma'am, didn't think it was going to be you. Are you sure about this? It's fairly graphic.

SHIRLEY
I've been on the trains all my life. Nothing can shock me.

OPENS TOILET DOOR TO LET SHIRLEY PEER IN. SHE WITHDRAWS HER HEAD, GAGGING

JOHN
Well, four of the five toilets are out of action. Completely overflowing.

SHIRLEY (REELING AWAY GAGGING)
Shit!

JOHN
We prefer the term effluence, Ma'am.

SHIRLEY (RECOVERING)
Uhuh. Busy morning train, John. Any chance desperate commuters could use them?

JOHN (SHAKING HEAD)
Can't see how. There's also graffiti everywhere: spray paint on walls and etching on windows. Football orientated, of course.

WOMAN
What teams? Could the transport police trace them back?

JOHN
Nah, too vague. 'United rule! City couldn't score in a brothel'. Underneath: 'But they all scored with your Mum – City for the cup'

WOMAN
Commuters will be furious! (SPOTTING SOMETHING) These seats – they're all soaked, John.

JOHN
Vomit, blood, bodily fluids… if it can be produced by the human body – you'll find it here in living colour.

WOMAN (WRITING ON HER CLIPBOARD)
Which means office workers and executives will have to stand throughout their journeys or sit in it and leave the train with wet, stinking patches all over their clothes?

JOHN (SHRUGS)
Not a lot else they can do.

HE OPENS THE INTERNAL DOOR TO THE FINAL CARRIAGE WHERE WE SEE A TEAM OF MEN DRESSED LIKE JOHN IN THEIR FLUORESCENT TABBARDS PISSING ON SEATS, SCRATCHING INITIALS INTO THE WINDOWS, AND GENERALLY DESTROYING THE FABRIC OF THE CARRIAGE. JOHN QUICKLY PULLS THE DOOR SHUT AND STANDS BETWEEN IT AND SHIRLEY, LOOKING HIGHLY EMBARRASSED.

SHIRLEY
What the hell?

JOHN
Um... well, I can explain everything.

SHIRLEY IS SLACK-JAWED. SHE STARES AT HIM AND THEN DOWN AT HER WATCH.

SHIRLEY
The train is already 50 minutes late leaving the depot. If we go over the hour – commuters can claim money back! Your lot should have finished f**king up the interior by now.

JOHN
I know it's cutting it fine, Ma'am, but we'll be all done in five minutes, I swear.

SHIRLEY TAKES ANOTHER LOOK AT HER WATCH, SHRUGS AND STARTS HOISTING HER SKIRT UP.

SHIRLEY
Well get a bloody move on. Now open the door again and find me an untouched seat – I could use a dump myself.

END