The eve of Saint Crispin's day, 1415, Agincourt. France.
Henry V is stood before his vastly outnumbered army, who are starving, thirsty and plagued by illness. He is half way through his speech.
Henry V : And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian. Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, And say 'These wounds I had on St Crispin's Day
Cut to two camp English Longbowmen.
Man 1: Ohhhh St Crispian's Day, did you buy any presents?
Man 2 : Presents? You don't buy presents on St Crispian's day.
Man 1 : Really? That's a shame, I got you a nice arrow - look! What do you do on St Crispian's Day then?
Henry V : Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red. This story shall the good man teach his son; And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by, From this day to the ending of the world,
Man 2: How should I know? Who is he anyway? Saint Crispin. Sounds like a baker.
Man 1 : Noooooo! He's the patron saint of shoemakers.
Man 2: Really? That is good news, just what we need facing thirty thousand blood seeking frenchies, a new pair of shoes.
Henry V : We few, we happy few, we band of brothers,For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
Man 1 : Well I wouldn't say no, mine are shot to hell! All this nasty mud.
Man 2 : Quite frankly, I'm fed up to the back teeth with it all. How is one meant to keep himself nice?I haven't any rouge for weeks!
Man 1: Why don't we just get on with it? They run at us, we fire at them. A couple cop it in the eye, they bugger off. We go home.
Henry V : And gentlemen in England now-a-bed . Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
Man 2: Oh I wish I were in England in bed with a gentleman, I can tell you!
Henry V : So do I darling!
Ends
