EXT. LARGE FARMHOUSE – DAY
Long shot of a large and opulent farm-house nestled in a valley, somewhere in middle England.
INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - DAY
ANGUS, a middle aged gentleman farmer, sits with two black labs at his feet, reading a broadsheet while puffing on a pipe. He wears a flat cap and tweed jacket.
His WIFE, a horse toothed woman wearing a headscarf and green wellies enters. When she speaks it is with a mouthful of plums.
WIFE
Angus, I'm worried about the cows... they're still not producing milk.
He folds his paper, and addresses her in a similarly plummy way.
ANGUS
Have you tried playing music to them darling... I'm sure it worked on an episode of that James Herriot programme.
WIFE
I even played them the Toreador Aria from 'Carmen'. Not a drop.
ANGUS
Hmmm... and the automatic washing machine didn't work either?
WIFE
That's right... I got Fred to plumb one into the cow-shed last week, and they haven't even bothered switching it on!
ANGUS
How odd... that seemed to perk your mother up no end when we bought her one last year.
WIFE
I think it's their hooves... they can't work the dials.
ANGUS
Besides the point... jolly ungrateful I'd say. I suppose I'd better go and have a word.
Disgruntled, he rises from his chair.
INT. BARN - DAY
CLOSE UP on Angus as he stands as if he's addressing troops.
ANGUS
Now listen here, ladies... I don't want to speak out of turn, but you've really got to start pulling your weight around here, or it's the old heave-ho for the lot of you.
PULL BACK to reveal the milking stalls, which contain donkeys.
Angus turns proudly to his wife, who is standing beside him.
ANGUS
There... that ought to do the trick!
She smiles gratefully back at him.
CLOSE UP of panto donkey hoof pushing in soap drawer of washing machine, and pressing on switch.
PULL BACK to reveal panto Donkey head, with lit fag in it's mouth.
DONKEY
(in Glaswegian accent)
Stuck-up twat!
