Noah and the ark Page 2

Scratchyr, the last line is really funny. Really funny. The rest of it is over literal and factual - as Dan said. I still think you explain yourself too much.
I also get the feeling that you didn't bother to read up about Noah.

Here's some 'facts' for you:

Noah was 750+ years old.
The Ark had a displacement of 22,000.00 tonnes. It was made from cedar wood.
Noah built the Ark with the help of his sons, Japhet, Shem and Ham.
He didn't just put animals in there he put all plants and trees in
Noah invented wine.

Finally. You can't take the piss out of the Bible, it is already taking the piss out of us.

Quote: scratchyr @ January 18 2010, 8:34 PM GMT

I understand that there are some religious members on the BCG and I do not wish to offend them for the sake of it.

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I laughed at this bit

Quote: Godot Taxis @ January 19 2010, 3:41 PM GMT

Scratchyr, the last line is really funny. Really funny. The rest of it is over literal and factual - as Dan said. I still think you explain yourself too much.
I also get the feeling that you didn't bother to read up about Noah.

Here's some 'facts' for you:

Noah was 750+ years old.
The Ark had a displacement of 22,000.00 tonnes. It was made from cedar wood.
Noah built the Ark with the help of his sons, Japhet, Shem and Ham.
He didn't just put animals in there he put all plants and trees in
Noah invented wine.

Finally. You can't take the piss out of the Bible, it is already taking the piss out of us.

View original

Ah Godot, I can rely on you. Hold my hands up to this one as it's more explainy than usual. I did read up about Noah but didn't cross reference that much so I actually did think that he built it by himself. Knew he was over 700 years old, and through my own mistake I didn't include the plants and flowers. Thanks for kick in the pants though, one day I'll get my explaining down to an acceptable level. My last two sketches that you mentioned that on (is that even a sentence?), I took your advice and they were greatly improved because of it.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 19 2010, 3:42 PM GMT

I laughed at this bit

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I'm not usually so respectful to the worshippers but as this isn't a site about that sort of thing I thought I'd do the fair thing and show some "respect"

I have re-written this from a slightly different angle. I've tried to take into account all the comments about lack of Characterisation, jokes, and brevity.
Any thoughts welcome.

INT. A SHED. NOAH IS HAMMERING PIECES OF WOOD TOGETHER.
HIS WIFE ENTERS CARRYING A CUP AND SAUCER.

WIFE:
I brought you a cuppa pet.

NOAH.
Ahh thanks love.

WIFE.
This looks complicated. You sure you're up to it?

NOAH:
Yeah. Build a boat, fill with animals. Bang. Done. No biggy.

HIS WIFE STUDIES THE PLANS AND NOTES LAYED OUT ON A BENCH

WIFE:
Did you see the bit about including all the plants and trees?

NOAH STOPS HAMMERING AND LOOKS AT THE PAPERS WITH SUPPRESSED CONCERN.

NOAH:
Yep yep, all under control.

HE SLAPS THE WOOD CONFIDENTLY.

NOAH ( CONT )
Got one kind already.

HIS WIFE LOOKS AT THE BOAT NOAH IS MAKING. IT IS THE SIZE OF A SHOE BOX.

WIFE:
It looks a little small. You did convert it into Cubits?

NOAH:
Who's the chosen one round here? You?

WIFE:
Well I was ju...

NOAH:
Exactly.

WIFE:
Why don't I ask the boys to help you chop down some more trees. Just to be on the safe side.

NOAH:
If it means I'll get some peace, be my guest.

WIFE:
It would make feel better but I suppose you know what you're doing. You've made a boat before.

NOAH LOOKS SHEEPISH.

WIFE: (CONT)
You have made a boat before right? Noah?

NOAH IGNORES HER AND GETS BACK TO WORK. HIS WIFE EXITS THE SHED. NOAH LOOKS FROM THE BLUEPRINTS TO HIS BOAT AND BACK AGAIN. HE MOVES ONE BEAD ON AN ABACUS. HIS EXPRESSION TURNS TO ONE OF REALISATION.

CUT TO.

NOAH AND HIS SONS CHOPPING AT A TREE WITH A SMALL AXES. IT BEGINS TO RAIN.
THEY DESPERATELY BEGIN TO CHOP QUICKLY.

END.

I really like it, the new revised version. Others may say about a slightly long build up, but personally, I like it. There possibly is more scope for humour earlier in the piece, maybe some more niggly conversation between Noah and Mrs Noah. As it stands though a right nice sketch IMO, with a good visual ending.

Yeah, rewrite much better. Characterisation especially. Made me laugh. Kudos for persevering!

Could probably crowbar in one or two more jokes to ice the cake.

Dan

Very nice rewrite funny clever and it's all in the dialogue/characterisation.

Perfect if the God channel does a sketch show.

Minor technical point.

The Slug line is just: INT or EXT a location and a Time of day

The 'stage directions' or 'visual exposition go in a separate paragraph.

INT. A SHED. -- DAY

NOAH IS HAMMERING PIECES OF WOOD TOGETHER.
HIS WIFE ENTERS CARRYING A CUP AND SAUCER.

and

EXT. FOREST -- DAY

NOAH AND HIS SONS CHOPPING AT A TREE WITH A SMALL AXES. IT BEGINS TO RAIN.
THEY DESPERATELY BEGIN TO CHOP QUICKLY.

FADE OUT.

I liked the interaction. Very realistic dialogue.

Didn't drag this time. Tons better I'd say.

Quote: billwill @ January 19 2010, 10:02 PM GMT

Minor technical point.

The Slug line is just: INT or EXT a location and a Time of day

The 'stage directions' or 'visual exposition go in a separate paragraph.

INT. A SHED. -- DAY

NOAH IS HAMMERING PIECES OF WOOD TOGETHER.
HIS WIFE ENTERS CARRYING A CUP AND SAUCER.

and

EXT. FOREST -- DAY

NOAH AND HIS SONS CHOPPING AT A TREE WITH A SMALL AXES. IT BEGINS TO RAIN.
THEY DESPERATELY BEGIN TO CHOP QUICKLY.

FADE OUT.

View original

Excellent, Thanks BillWill. Wished I'd read this before I just posted another one. You have cleared up so many questions I had on this matter.

Cheers Everyone else too. It felt a lot more me if you know what I mean. Couldn't have done it without your feedback though, so thanks very much

Scratchyr I really like it now. The small boat could be very funny if the reveal was done right.

It's got a nice unhurried feel and I still love the rain at the end. Good stuff!

Wasn't he a drunk too, Noah? Some story about him falling asleep in a tent I remember. I think it's definitely better than the first draft, less drawn out.