Mafia Meeting

Hello. Is this a just too predictable and cheesey? Or could it work with a tweak? This is the first draft but if it's a shit idea I'd rather know now.

Cheers

INT. A DARKLY LIT BACK ROOM. TWO RIVAL MAFIA BOSSES SIT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER AT A TABLE, EACH FLANKED BY THEIR OWN HENCHMAN.

BOSS 1:
I'm glad you decided to accept my little invitation. These things…these things can get ugly, if left untended.

BOSS 2:
No one wants a war it's bad for business and that is bad for everybody.

BOSS 1:
That we can agree on. So, you will understand why I was a little upset by your last message.

BOSS 2:
I don't know what you mean.

BOSS 1 GETS A MOBILE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND BEGINS TO GO THROUGH HIS INBOX.

BOSS 1:
Err…hold on…Nope that's not…is this? No…Ah..Fancy Dress party. Fifteenth of April. My hideout. Theme is: Sleeping with the fishes. Love Rival Boss.

BOSS 2:
I remember, what's the problem?

BOSS 1:
I don't like being threatened. I mean if you were a real man maybe, but by text? You're no better than a Dame.

BOSS 2:
I invite you to my party and this is how you respond? With the grace of a mule?

IN A FIT OF ANGER BOSS 1 STANDS UP AND PULLS A GUN. BOSS 2 RESPONDS LIKEWISE FOLLOWED BY BOTH HENCHMEN. A STAND OFF ENSUES.

BOSS 2: (CONT)
I was only asking if you wanted to come. You could have just said no.

BOSS 1:
You mean you're actually having a party?

BOSS 2:
Yes. You dumb Schmo.

BOSS 1:
(LOWERING GUN) Ok ok It's just that it's a bit hard to tell sometimes with a text you know?

BOSS 2:
Well I meant it in a friendly way.

BOSS 1'S HENCHMAN WHISPERS IN BOSS 1'S EAR

BOSS 1:
My boy here says you could have used a smiley face.

BOSS 2:
What can I say? It's an old phone. It don't do too good with emoticons.

BOSS 1'S HENCHMAN WHISPERS IN BOSS 1'S EAR

BOSS 1:
My boy says you only need a colon followed by a closing bracket.

BOSS 2:
Your boy says a lot don't he?

END.

I'm glad it didnt end up being an actual 'Sleeping with fishes' party. That would have been a very obvious ending. I think the texting exchange towards the end is very good, that was definitely the highlight. The very last line I thought could be stronger but overall nice, lovely idea and not that obvious

Like with most of your stuff it goes somewhere you don't expect.

I thought it was good - but would agree wit Otterfox that the last line needs to be better. End on more of a punch.

Thanks Otterfox and Bigfella. I couldn't agree more about the last line. If I'm honest I just didn't have one but thought I'd post it to see what you guys think.

Kasm came up with a good idea that they could revert to their old violent ways in the face of not being used to technology, which I thought was a goodun.

Either way it's clearly not firing on all cylinders, thanks again.

Couldn't you use the colon as a gag - ie him thinking it was a human colon??? Which leads back to him being a Mafia boss cutting someone open?

It did cross my mind but I've heard people at work make that kind of joke a few times (colon / colon) so wasn't sure whether to put it in. But, I wasn't thinking of it in that context, which I like, I'll give it a try. Nice to see you back on the Crit, I've missed your input BF.

Good stuff, agree with others regarding the end. My take on it would be after boss 2 says 'its an old phone, it don't do too good with emoticons.' Boss 1 gets confused and says something like 'Emoti cons, what the hells that? we're ex cons.' But feel free to tell me to get outta here if you wish.

I like the idea (classic BCG critique response alert).

I was wondering when I read it the other day whether you could have made it so it was a kids party and they have their sons next to them, whispering in to their ears, rather than goons. And they are settling a dispute between the kids 'Mafia Style', following a texting confusion. It's just an idea, but as the sketch is it lacks a bit oomph, for want of a better expression.

Keep it up (as the actress said to bishop)