Stand-up Comedy Routine

Having at last just finished my sitcom I am now ready to turn my attention to Stand-up, and could be gigging as soon as next Tuesday, which is quite a scary thought. Unfortunately, having had these ideas floating around my head for some while, I don't know if they are funny any more, and would greatly appreciate some feedback on my routine. I'd like to know if it is funny obviously, but also if it may be a tad too offensive, and may make me come across as being quite ignorant and generally unlikeable. Thanks in advance.

"I see we have a lot of Uni students in today, lucky bastards! I've just finished Uni, and I remember before I went, I had the "drug" chat. "Be careful, don't give in to temptation, just say No". Unfortunately, I did develop a drug problem when at uni, I couldn't f**king find any. I went down every dark alley, sat on every park bench and shat on every dodgy toilet, all to no avail. I felt like the choir boy who doesn't get fiddled.

It can be quite a nervous time, the first year of University, who are you going to end up living with? My first year, there were 11 of us and a few were french. And I have to say, this made me even more nervous, but after a few months my irrational hatred of the french had been replaced by a thoroughly rational hatred of the french. The stereotype is true, they do eat too much cheese, and the sex, the french girl I was next to had more sex in an evening session than some do in their entire lives, priests for example, or still births.

But stereotypes are generally bollocks, I mean I'm Welsh therefore I must shag sheep, and the reason given for this; There are lots of sheep in Wales. Come on! We have lots of women too you know. All Americans are stupid, a stereotype which has been enhanced greatly through George W Bush. I think the biggest indictment of Bush is that he was so bad, Americans were willing to vote for a black man to replace him. That takes some doing.

There's a lot of America bashing in the world now. None more aggressively than Al Qaeda. They are against American capitalism and consumerism running the world, that it leads to greed. To Greed, and it may well do, but Osama Bin Laden has 9 wives! 9! Come on Osama, aren't you being a teensy bit hypocritical?
Are there are any members of Al-Qaeda here tonight? If there are, you only have to do one thing to win my support. Bomb the BBC studios when Comic f**king Relief is taking place, now that's a cause I can believe in. I used to think Comic Relief was a support group for poor comedians, but now I realise it's just rich people asking slightly less rich people for money to help abjectly poor black people to free there conscience and sleep at night. Never before have so many wankers congregated in such a small space, If you exclude the house of commons of course, the "wanker per square meter" count is much higher there.

American support for Israel is also a big reason for this bashing. President Ahmadinejad has stated several times that he wants to wipe Israel off the map, and he would, but sadly for him under Sharia law tipex has been outlawed. Apparently one sniff and the women go crazy, they start to talk and everything. It's mental! I imagine getting a blow-job off a woman wearing a burqa must look a lot like the ghost of Christmas future giving head.

There would be benefits about living in Iran though, for example there's no paparazzi, the chav underclass of the media world. The paparazzi are so sick and twisted they were probably trying to get up-skirts of Jade Goody even after she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Vermin. "Pierre, shall we call for ze ambulance or take picture of ze car crash?", that's French by the way, you'll be pleased to know I am multi-lingual, I can do many accents! "We take picture, you stand there next to ze body of Princess" "Like this Pierre?" "Zat is tres good Clement, Now look shocked, Oh beautiful, beautiful". Can I just say for legal reasons that may not have been an entirely accurate portrayal of events, I fear my accent was more of a Brittany persuasion than Parisian".

While I think your routine is well written, the first para is good but it gets steadily more angry in tone and content, seeing it written baldly here, but of course in delivering it live more things come into play such as how you yourself come across to an audience, and whether you have the personal charm to carry this off, so in my humble opinion I would put more conversational stuff in, and leave out the 'still births' bit,too offensive, and the cervical cancer and the racist bits...sorry!

Well written piece, but as already mentioned you tend to make yourself more and more angry as the set goes on... (unless that is the idea?).
I would leave the "still birth" line out,that's a very touchy subject and I expect will just have your audience grimacing rather than laughing at it.

As said try for more conventional, offensive is good, I love offnesive humour and have been told by many friends and work collegues that I am marmite with some of the things my head comes up with but you do run the risk of just offending the whole audience with certain lines.

Quote: Mickeza @ January 17 2010, 1:14 PM GMT

President Ahmadinejad has stated several times that he wants to wipe Israel off the map, and he would, but sadly for him under Sharia law tipex has been outlawed.

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If I'm being picky you don't WIPE tipex......
You could always try something like...
"Sadly the tissue bin next to the maps are all full of shit smeared toilet paper" (that was just off the top of my head, don't judge me)

IMO there's way too much waffle around each joke.

For example the opener I would change to "Are there any students in? I developed a chronic drug problem at uni. I couldn't find any."

That way you can pack in more gags and get a bigger laugh count.

I also suggest swapping the 'still births' for something like Susan Boyle. Don't try to get laughs by trying to be edgy and shocking - it very rarely works.

Thanks for the replies, I do think a good performer could possibly carry the offensive stuff off without appearing offensive, if that makes sense. I mean the racist Obama bit is more having ago at America for being racist, which it does have a strong history of being, and the Jade Goody joke is again having a pop at the media rather than Jade Goody. As for the waffle, I know I couldn't pull off a set of just one liners, and I dislike Tim Vine and other such comedians who do this anyway, so wouldn't want to. I love Dylan Moran, and half of his set is him remembering what he's going to say.
I did think that about the "tipex" joke not literally making sense. I think I will change it to "remove Israel", so thanks for that. It is actually rather ironic that I have just written a sitcom without a single swearword or anything that could be considered remotely offensive which could be shown at 2pm on a Sunday, so maybe I just decided to let it all out in this. I think I shall take the advice on board and tone it down a touch, I have a shed load of material that I wrote a year ago, the only problem is when I wrote it down, I did it in bullet point paragraphs only referencing the jokes with a link to the next one, and a year on I've forgotten the bloody jokes!
I do however think the comedy world, neigh the world, is in desperate need for another Bill Hicks, but unfortunately at the moment this is more Frankie Boyle. Work to be done me thinks.
(Sorry for not quoting a response to your replies directly, I don't know how to multi-quote

Quote: Mickeza @ January 18 2010, 8:46 PM GMT

As for the waffle, I know I couldn't pull off a set of just one liners, and I dislike Tim Vine and other such comedians who do this anyway, so wouldn't want to. I love Dylan Moran, and half of his set is him remembering what he's going to say.

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Fair enough, but you're not Dylan Moran and you don't have an hour and an audience of fans that have just come to see you. You have five minutes and an audience of probably pissed punters who expect you to be rubbish.

Try it out and let us know how you get on.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ January 18 2010, 9:03 PM GMT

Fair enough, but you're not Dylan Moran and you don't have an hour and an audience of fans that have just come to see you. You have five minutes and an audience of probably pissed punters who expect you to be rubbish.

Try it out and let us know how you get on.

View original

Yay, I can quote directly now
You are of course completely correct, however Dylan Moran is still expected to make people laugh, and he does this even with his memory lapse, long pauses of saying nothing, followed by repeating himself. I watched "Comedian" with Jerry Seinfeld recently, and he said people who think he gets a break are talking nonsense, he may get 30 seconds "free", but after that, he's just another comedian there for one purpose: To get laughs, if you don't get the laughs then your screwed no matter who you are. Of course this is entirely irrelevant to my routine, as I don't have one having never performed this, and it's entirely possible there aren't enough flat out gags here, it would depend on my personal "charm", as someone else so eloquently put it.
The point about time is a great point, and I will cram some more one liners in, but aren't you also supposed to attempt to get some personality across? Even if it is only 5 minutes? Doesn't comedy come from character? I don't know, I've never done stand-up before, so I'm probably talking utter tripe, but listening to Woody Allen, a lot of his stand-up is about him, and you laugh because it's him, and you know his personality traits. (I understand an audience at the start wouldn't know my personality traits, but in order for them to understand them, I'd have to be me, and me isn't telling gag after gag unfortunately, I'm also terrible at remembering gags, hence why the routine above is linked so heavily)
If I do it, can I use the Susan Boyle ending to replace the stillborn bit? I do find that a much more appropriate and topical ending, plus it's funny!

Okay, sorry to bump this. After the advice I got last time I have tried to edit this drastically (although the first 2 paragraphs are similar) and make it a touch more political but with more gags and less anger. I have kept the most controversial gag, basically because I like it. Any comments would be appreciated as I have agreed to perform at a gong night next month, I thought that might be easier than a normal night.

I see we have a lot of Uni students in today, You lucky bastards! I've just finished Uni, and I remember before I went, I had the "drug" chat. "Be careful, there'll be drugs everywhere. When you go outside, drugs. When you're in a club, drugs. When you're having sex, drugs." "Drugs when I'm having sex?" "Well she has to be on something to shag you" "Alright Mum... f**king hell!" Despite the warning, I did quickly develop a drug problem while at uni... I ran out, and couldn't f**king find any. I went down every dark alley, sat on every park bench and shat on every dodgy toilet, all to no avail. I felt like the boy scout who doesn't get fiddled!

It can be quite a nervous time, the first year of University, who are you going to end up living with? My first year, there were 11 of us and a few were french. And like a lot of people, at that time I did have an irrational hatred of the french, but I have to say that after living with them for a year, that irrational hatred went away.... and became a rational one! The stereotype is true, they do eat too much cheese, and the sex, the French girl lived next to had more sex in an evening than some do in their entire lives, priests for example, or still births! I think I'll edit that slightly when I make the key note speech at next weeks "Catholics of Swansea" Society dinner, I'll say "aborted babies" instead, that should get 'em all going... at me with pitchforks!

If you ever want to distract a Catholic, say you see an IRA member setting off a car bomb outside, then abortion is your holy grail. Of course in the long run, they'll set off the bomb anyway, the only difference being this time you'll be inside! But at least you will have "burnt out rather than faded away." Literally! On visits to Ireland, my gran always used to explain to me how abortion was murder, before sending me off to the shop to post her weekly Sinn Fein donation! But I'm not ashamed to say that I am Catholic, some people are these days, what with the whole sex abuse scandal. In fairness, Leviticus does say "To lie with another man is an abomination" Key word Man! It doesn't mention boys, so I don't see what the problem is! But Priests are supposed to be celibate, and they also can't get married, which is odd because I've always thought that a great way to ensure celibacy was marriage! Right, I've done my token piss take off Catholicism, now I can move on to Islam without appearing racist. I can see some of you are quite scared by this, don't worry, there aren't any suicide bombers here, and if there are, well, we're all f**ked anyway!

President Ahmadinejad, has anyone noticed that he looks like Roy Keane? It's really hard to tell the difference in photos, one a psychotic loon and the other... Well you can finish that off yourselves, I wash my hands of it, like Pontius Pilate. That's a hugely symbolic part of the bible, but is it possible that "washing his hands" was just his schtick? "Hey Pontius, which toilet paper shall we get" "I wash my hands of it" "Pontius, Chinese or Indian?" "You decide". Anyway, Ahmadinejad. He doesn't recognise the state of Israel, it hasn't aged well! And he's insinuated several times that he wants to remove Israel from the map, and he would, but sadly for him under Sharia law tipex has been outlawed. Apparently one sniff and the women go crazy, they start to talk and everything. It's mental! I imagine getting a blow-job off a woman wearing a burqa must look a lot like the ghost of Christmas future giving head. "I predict in three minutes you will go back to ignoring me", "How do you do it?"

You can't deny Ahmadinejad is more entertaining than our politicians. The members of our cabinet strike me as the type of people who punctuate when they speak, I mean I barely punctuate when I write! I had a lecturer who would not only punctuate when he spoke, but he'd also just make up punctuation! 'Marx believed that "Scare Quotes" Capitalism would eventually fall'. What the hell are scare quotes? Are they quotes that wear hoodies? "Hoody Quotes". And what is the appropriate etiquette when such quotes come along? Am I supposed to hide under my desk and await rescue? And most importantly were these terrifying quotes dealt with effectively in the Patriot Act? Say what you want about Bush, and I'm sure many of you have, but what a fantastic name for an act that was. It was going to be called the "Keep your children safe from dirty bearded arabs" act, but it turns out even Muslims are protected by the Supreme Court.

Of course George has gone now, replaced by celebrity, I mean President, Obama. I think that's the biggest Indictment against Bush, he was so shit as President that Americans were even willing to let a black man replace him, which does take some doing. I do thank Bush for the whole Iraq thing though, which put me in an unusual predicament, as I was against the war, but for the war coverage, mainly because there's bugger all else on T.V! I mean the first few days of the conflict it's like fireworks night every night. The only difference being it's real guys that are burning! I used to feel quite deranged for enjoying watching, but then I realised the reason why they fly in at night, it's not for stealth reasons, it's to give us sick f**kers at home a better view!

I don't like it when the news try to get us to relate to the casualties of war though, how the f**k can I relate to these people? One step outside and they could be blown to smithereens, the biggest excitement in my life is crossing the road when the little man is red! And then there's that misleading phrase "viewers may find the following images disturbing", and you're like "here comes the good shit!" Your girlfriend is screaming at you to change channel because she's eating, but you can't, you're transfixed on what's about to come. And it comes... and it's pathetic! No gore, just lot's of people crying and some bandaged up limbs, it's very disappointing! I get more offended watching Casualty on a Saturday night, and I don't just mean the acting!

The recent big news story of course, has been the Earthquake in Haiti. It's really sad how lots of babies have been stolen amid the confusion, but what were they thinking letting Madonna into the country? But fear not folks, for a charity single is on the way. Performers such as Susan Boyle, James Blunt and Mika are covering the R.E.M classic "Everybody Hurts". And anyone who hears that shit will most definitely hurt! Probably themselves! Gordon Brown asked Simon Cowell to put the single together, giving millions of registered voters yet another reason to not vote for Labour in the upcoming election. "Never mind the fact he pissed all the gold away and there aren't any jobs, that charity single was all his idea, and for that reason, he's out!". However in the interests of balance and fairness, don't vote for Cameron... he's a Tory twat! Goodnight.