INT. DAY. MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
INTERVIEWER:
Charles Bronson once starred in a film entitled 'The Evil That Men Do'. Well today in an unprecedented move from prison authorities I am about to interview Starstruck Bill, the infamous celebrity serial killer.
STARSTRUCK BILL IS SAT HANDCUFFED IN A CELL OPPOSITE THE INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER:
Bill, the first question is simply, how did it all begin?
STARSTRUCK BILL:
I started as an autograph hunter, rapidly progressed to stalking then the next thing I knew I was staring at an upside down Mick Jagger who was hanging from a meat hook.
INTERVIEWER:
Tell me about Davina.
STARSTRUCK BILL:
Ah Davina, lovely Davina. She was really submissive and talk about toned, phew. I was cupping both her breasts, this was after I had chopped them off of course. Then I turned round to her and said 'here's your best bits.' I mean she was already dead so there was no feedback.
INTERVIEWER:
Gordon Ramsey was next on the hit list Bill?
STARSTRUCK BILL:
Yep, now he, I have to say, was a real ignoramus. Right through his torturing he was effing and blinding. I said to Gordon, 'Gordon I'm offering you the chance to die with some decency and decorum'. But no, I had to sew his arse to his face just to shut him up.
INTERVIEWER:
You're incarcarated for the rest of your life, have you any regrets Bill?
STARSTRUCK BILL:
I regret not getting to Cowell before I was caught. I'd have tightened that belt round his waist so much he'd have looked like an egg timer.
INTERCOM VOICE:
Time's up now sir.
STARSTRUCK BILL:
You couldn't lift that bag up and empty it please?
INTERVIEWER LIFT BAG UP AND EMPTIES HUNDREDS OF LETTERS ON TO TABLE.
STARSTRUCK BILL:
Loads of fan mail to reply to, have you a spare pen by any chance?
INTERVIEWER HANDS BILL HIS PEN. BILL USES IT TO OPEN HIS HANDCUFFS AND APPROACHES INTERVIEWER.
FX LOUD FART NOISE FROM INTERVIEWER.
STARSTRUCK BILL:
Give us a hand opening these letters mate.
