I am currently working on a new sitcom called 'A day in the life of me' which is based on a failing comedy and his daily lifes experiences.
I have got a few scenes completed but the one below I am not sure if it is where I want it to be. So help please?
Are there enough jokes? Is it quick and snappy? Realistic?
Background to it: Charlie was once tipped to be the next big thing in comedy writing but after four years of nothing Michelle has become frustrated. In the scene before this Charlie has been told by his girlfriend that he has to get a proper job or she is going to leave him.
Scene 3.INT – CAFÉ
It is a busy greasy spoon filled with people. Black & White photographs hang on three of the walls whilst a menu covers the fourth wall. Steam fills the room as the kettle comes to a boil and the sound of people chattering can be heard.
Charlie and Monkey sit at a table both sipping a cup of tea. On the table next to them sits four black scaffolders all very well built and dressed in hi-vis clothing. One of the men is telling a joke.
CHARLIE
(talking to Monkey) Can you believe that? No discussion nothing… she run's my life like a Pol-Pot regime.
MONKEY
So what you gonna do?
CHARLIE
I dunno
BUILDER #1
(to his friends) So the man hits the badger on the head, turns to the doctor and says
Charlie overhearing them turns to them.
CHARLIE
(INTERRUPTING) Excuse me… you've not quite told that right.
BUILDER #1
What the f**k?
CHARLIE
Yeah it should be racoon instead of badger and it's actually paramedic not doctor.
BUILDER #1
What the f**k do you think your doing interrupting my story?
CHARLIE
To be fair you wasn't telling it right... If your gonna tell a joke do it right.
BUILDER #2
And who are you the f**king joke police?
CHARLIE
No I'm the Charlie Devonport.
Charlie pauses and waits for a reaction. The builders all look at each other confused.
CHARLIE (CONT)
Charlie Devonport… I used to write for the sketch show 'Lemon Chicken'
BUILDER #2
Never heard of it.
CHARLIE
Oh…. Well we were quite big in Stoke…
The first builder stands up towering over Charlie and Monkey.
BUILDER #1
Listen here you little twerp…. you can be Donald Duck, Harry Hill, Tony Blair or f**king queen Elizabeth the ninth, you ever interrupt me again Il make sure the only writing you ever do will be done from a hospital bed. You got that?
CHARLIE
Yeah.. I got it..
The builder picks up a tube filled with brown sauce and begins to squirt an obscene amount all over Charlie's breakfast and into his mug of tea.
BUILDER #1
Eat that you little twerp. Come on lads.
All four builders stand up and leave each giving Charlie a nice slap on the back of the head as they pass.
CHARLIE
The jokes on him Monkey cause I like brown sauce.
DISSOLVE TO:
All feedback is much appreciated. Thank You. 