Stand-up stuff

I've been writing stand-up stuff lately and here is some of it that I would really like to get some opinion on.

Cheers

Do you think Ray Mears has ever accidentally set up camp in a notorious dogging site? "All you need to do is rub these two bits of wood." "Yeah that's right. Rub it."

You know that flies eat poo. Do you reckon their mouths start watering when someone farts?

Nipples are like shoes. Everybody has them, they come in pairs and if they're too big you just look stupid.

I'm jealous of people who walked in on their parents having sex. I walked in on my dad wind-milling his cock in the mirror.

I'm sure you're all familiar with braille, the feely language for blind people. I'm not such a big fan of it to be honest. I shagged a blind girl with a ribbed condom. She thought I was f**king her with a book. She went "Chris! What are you doing with that pocket dictionary!" Only joking(pointing at crotch and winking) Complete works of Shakespeare.

Women are better creatures than men. You can tell by the different ways the two orgasm. A woman is in pure bliss and screams with pleasure. Its lovely. A man goes URGH and pisses a different colour.

You know that necrophiliacs shag dead people. Do you think funerals make them horny?

You know that cannibals eat people. Do you think midgets are party food? Like on sticks with a bit of cheese? Next to the cock sausage rolls.

What do you call a family tree in Norfolk? A family curly wurly.

How do you stop a mouse squeaking? Spray it with WD-40. Until it dies.

They're ok, I didn't laugh at any but some made me smile - Jimmy Carr is adopting a similar style, seems to go down well.

If you were to perform them I would strongly advise getting them out rather quick as one can fail and one can be a success but you have to keep a momentum.

The last two are great, though the mouse one is a bit mean.

Cheers for the comments guys. I do see my style as very Jimmy Carr-ish and pretty pacey so they would be quite quick and delivered in a kind of apathetic way.

Glad you like the mouse one. That's one of my favourites

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ January 8 2010, 1:55 AM GMT

How do you stop a mouse squeaking? Spray it with WD-40. Until it dies.

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Love it.

Thought these...

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ January 8 2010, 1:55 AM GMT

You know that flies eat poo. Do you reckon their mouths start watering when someone farts?

I'm jealous of people who walked in on their parents having sex. I walked in on my dad wind-milling his cock in the mirror.

I'm sure you're all familiar with braille, the feely language for blind people. I'm not such a big fan of it to be honest. I shagged a blind girl with a ribbed condom. She thought I was f**king her with a book. She went "Chris! What are you doing with that pocket dictionary!" Only joking(pointing at crotch and winking) Complete works of Shakespeare.

Women are better creatures than men. You can tell by the different ways the two orgasm. A woman is in pure bliss and screams with pleasure. Its lovely. A man goes URGH and pisses a different colour.

What do you call a family tree in Norfolk? A family curly wurly.

View original

were funny and would defintely work. The ones I weren't fond of would probably work. I think you've definitely got a set there. If you don't get any laughs blame it on your delivery.

Yay someone likes some of the other stuff aswell

Cheers for the comments. After a few more people's thoughts I shall start dead-heading.

I think you have talent as a comedy writer but these lines need to be a lot more polished. I also think it would work well if you stuck with some sort of theme with the possibility of tying some jokes together.

There's something in the Braille one but I think you need to come at it from a different angle. Some of the shorter ones are a bit Christmas Cracker-y but overall would probably work as inbetweeners.

Keep it up.

I am working at tying some of them together. Currently I have a rather surreal and silly chunk on girlfriends and another chunk on animals, but they're related one-liners rather than stories.

The trouble is I write them all like this so in theory they should all work on their own, but yeah working them into groups helps to gloss over the weaker ones I guess.

I know what you mean with the braille one. While I like it in its current form, it does feel like there's more to be squeezed out of it so I'll have a think on that one.

Cheers