British Comedy Guide

Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 7

Week 3 fails:

Zoe Ball has named her new daughter Nelly May. If she's anything like her mother, she almost certainly will.

Gordon Ramsay's restaurant Claridge's has been branded the gastronomical equivalent of Celebrity Big Brother, as it boasts the same amount of stars.

Kai Rooney is turning into the double of his father. He enjoys sucking breasts of women 30 years older than him.

Tiger Woods has allowed an organisation to use his name for their sex addiction support group. 'Tiger Woods Addiction Therapy' is proving very successful…the acronym less so.

A Chinese inventor has devised a way to power mobile phones with a can of Coca-Cola. You hit a geek over the head with it and steal his battery.

A shop-worker who resembles Leona Lewis is considering plastic surgery to get her life back. A co-worker who resembles Kerry Katona is considering a bucket of KFC.

Harry Redknapp has been charged with tax evasion following a 26-month investigation. Mike Leigh is writing a movie script based on the tale, provisionally titled: "The Lying the Twitch and the Fraud Probe"

Comedians Bill Bailey and Jo Brand have warned teenagers about the dangers of drinking too much alcohol. "It's a real problem" said the hairy funnyman. "I agree" said Bill Bailey.

Correction:

We'd like to correct the punchline to last week's Ronnie Corbett joke, as people found the term 'it was just a little shit' offensive. On reflection, we should have used the term 'vertically challenged'.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 21 2010, 12:05 PM GMT

Week 3 fails:

Kai Rooney is turning into the double of his father. He enjoys sucking breasts of women 30 years older than him.

A Chinese inventor has devised a way to power mobile phones with a can of Coca-Cola. You hit a geek over the head with it and steal his battery.

A shop-worker who resembles Leona Lewis is considering plastic surgery to get her life back. A co-worker who resembles Kerry Katona is considering a bucket of KFC.

These made me laugh :)

Quote: CKY88 @ January 21 2010, 12:01 PM GMT

Newsbullet – Because news doesn't have to be information.

That made me laugh.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 21 2010, 12:05 PM GMT

Harry Redknapp has been charged with tax evasion following a 26-month investigation. Mike Leigh is writing a movie script based on the tale, provisionally titled: "The Lying the Twitch and the Fraud Probe"

Clever! Funny!

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 21 2010, 12:05 PM GMT

Comedians Bill Bailey and Jo Brand have warned teenagers about the dangers of drinking too much alcohol. "It's a real problem" said the hairy funnyman. "I agree" said Bill Bailey.

Not clever! Funny!

:)

Dan

Cheers gents :)

Gerry - those are the best set of gags I've ever see you post. Well done.

Quote: CKY88 @ January 21 2010, 12:01 PM GMT

2) The FBI this week released a picture of how Bin Laden may look today. It's comforting to know that the millions spent on intelligence can confirm Osama did in fact receive the Braun Multi Shaver for Christmas.

Newsbullet - giving you the low-down coz we ain't guna slow down!

These were the winners for me.

Thank you, I find getting feedback from the people on here even if it's all lies helps to give me the motivation to try again next week :)

Week 3 Fails:

MALE
The bar I went to last night had an 'All-you-can-drink' night. They gave me a Beef Martini. That was all I could drink.

CHAVVY TEENAGER
They put us in detention at school and made us listen to Mozart. It was a nightmare. George Szell's recordings with the Cleveland Orchestra are far too literal and direct, and lacking in any subtlety whatsoever.

FEMALE
I mean, if there is a God, how can he allow such senseless suffering? No-one should have to listen to Geoff Hoon talking for more than twenty minutes.

YOUNG DRUNK MALE
Yeah, well, I drink about 15 cans in one evening. I don't know why. I don't even like chopped tomatoes.

Last one an adaptation of Eddie Izzard, but I only realised after I'd sent it off.

Boy, am I naffed off right now.

I like the beef martini one. It's silly but funny.

Dan

The teenager and Geoff Hoon gags were ace.

Quote: biddyhell @ January 21 2010, 2:48 PM GMT

CHAVVY TEENAGER
They put us in detention at school and made us listen to Mozart. It was a nightmare. George Szell's recordings with the Cleveland Orchestra are far too literal and direct, and lacking in any subtlety whatsoever.

Very good.

[quote name="biddyhell" post="578213" date="January 21 2010, 2:48 PM GMT"]Week 3 Fails:

MALE
The bar I went to last night had an 'All-you-can-drink' night. They gave me a Beef Martini. That was all I could drink.

This one and the chopped tomato :P

[quote name="Gerry McDonnell" post="578073" date="January 21 2010, 12:05 PM GMT"]Week 3 fails:

Harry Redknapp has been charged with tax evasion following a 26-month investigation. Mike Leigh is writing a movie script based on the tale, provisionally titled: "The Lying the Twitch and the Fraud Probe"

Comedians Bill Bailey and Jo Brand have warned teenagers about the dangers of drinking too much alcohol. "It's a real problem" said the hairy funnyman. "I agree" said Bill Bailey.

Gerry - These really hit the funny spot. Redknapp one is very clever.

Here are my unsucessful quickies. Well done to all who got recorded, hope you all stay in.

THICK YOUTHWill the other brothers carry on wiv the music if they hang Chemical Ali?

OLD MANCalling single women over fifty who like clubbing, Tweeting and exotic holidays 'Swofties'? They used to call them gold digging coffin chasers in my day.

POSH WOMANWe've just booked a family holiday to Switzerland. There's a new Roman theme park. Apparently there's no age limit for children.

OLD SOLDIERThe government was very clever in the war. Fill a dead tramps pockets full of mis-information and stick him in a hostile area. Doesn't seem to be working too well for Gordon Brown though.

BRUNETTEOf course blondes are more aggressive, There's always extra pressure around a vacuum.

CORRECTIONS:Last week we stated that Beyonce, following her one-off show, was the first person to be paid £1.2 million by a Libyan for one nights work. We should have said, excluding Lockerbie.

CORRECTIONS:
We should have made it clearer in last week's show that plans to ban risky unmanned coin operated leisure facilities related to tanning salons and not those out of
the way public facilities that married male MPs seem to find themselves at.

In last weeks show we stated that the Met office would be left with millions of pounds worth of useless forecasting equipment if they lose their 90 year long contract with the BBC. We now accept that they can go back to making tea with it.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 21 2010, 12:05 PM GMT

Harry Redknapp has been charged with tax evasion following a 26-month investigation. Mike Leigh is writing a movie script based on the tale, provisionally titled: "The Lying the Twitch and the Fraud Probe"

:D

You wuz robbed. Although the lawyers may have intervened.

For what they are worth:

Oh absolutely, class is more important than race. So long as a chap's family came over with the Conqueror, who cares what colour he is, wot?

It's amazing what they can do now. My optician was able to tell with just a quick look that I had Alzheimer's. Then he told me I could put my shoes and socks back on.

With this snow the Council's not been round to empty my bin in weeks. It's all very well, but suppose this had happened in summer, eh?

Yeah, right, but see the point the Pope was making was that, if, instead of keeping schtum, Pius the Twelfth had come out and spoken up for the Jews, the Holocaust could have been really bad.

(FEMALE) Yes, I am going on holiday so I do need to diet. I need to lose at least twenty pounds before I am photographed naked.

Oh yeah, I'm right in favour of tax breaks for being married. I'd be quids in. I'm a bigamist.

Another week, another set of failures; ridicule at your pleasure...

SarcMark sketch:

MILES:You lot, yes you out there, our listeners. You are simply the greatest audience in the world ever. No contest. Full-stop. Fin.

PERSON #2:Miles, of course, is either lying, insane, or using sarcasm to comic effect… But if you were reading a text or email how would you know?

MILES #1:Luckily, and I mean that sincerely, American company Sarcasm Inc have introduced the 'SarcMark' - a much needed grammatical tool which allows any brain dead idiot to identify if a statement is intended to be sarcastic.

PERSON #2:Brilliant.

MILES:Indeed. The SarcMark, as it has hilariously been called, looks a bit like a cartoon ear with a little dot in the middle.

PERSON #2:Although some would say it just looks like they seen people coming, doesn't it Miles?

MILES:No. It just looks like a cartoon ear… But does it work?

PERSON #2:Well let's see. Imagine, I sent you an email which read 'Miles, your Mum smells of fish!' I mean, what would you think?

MILES:I'd think your right. She works in a fishmonger.

PERSON #2:Does she?

MILES:No. (PAUSE). I was being sarcastic.

PERSON #2:But you didn't use the SarcMark

MILES:But I haven't replied to your email yet. I was just saying.

PERSON #2:Right. So you see how confusing it can be?

MILES:And you've met my Mum. She smells of lavender oil and peppermint tea.

PERSON #2:Right, right, okay. Let's try another. What if I sent you a text that read, 'Miles, I want you. From the first time I saw you fingering Katie Price's biography at Waterstones in Hull. I knew I wanted you'.

MILES:I know you have. And it wasn't Jordan's biography I was fingering. It was her Perfect Ponies: My Pony Care Book. A book so good it won best kids book at WH Smiths.

PERSON #2:Really?

MILES:No. It was actually only short listed…

PERSON #2:(INTERRUPTS) Look Miles, your really not getting this.

MILES: ... she was robbed. She was robbed

PERSON #2:Miles!!! In the name of… Miles. Sarcasm?

MILES:No, its a good book.

PERSON #2:No Miles, we're talking about sarcasm

MILES:Oh right, right, sorry. You weren't very clear about that were you?

PERSON #2:Yes, I know. But If I had used the SarcMark

MILES:Things would have been clearer

PERSON #2:Much clearer.

MILES: And less embarrassing too.

PERSON #2:Yes.

MILES:It's a bit like that time in the restaurant when the waiter kept asking me if wanted aromatic duck

PERSON:He wasn't asking you anything Miles. He was calling you a sarcastic …

END

Voxpops:

1 OLD MAN:Yeah, it's getting worse round here. Ever since the BNP got in, hat crime has gone through the roof.

2 MAN #1:But at least governments are trying to help in Haiti. The US is sending $100 million. The UK is giving £62 million plus technical support. I mean, we can't expect our journalists to suffer like that?

3 WOMAN #1:They want bankers to get into teaching? Come on… What could a lying, cheating, scumbag like that possibly learn from a banker?

4 MAN:I want one of those social mobility scooters. But they work better if you're married.

Corrections:

Last week we ran a story about technophobia which featured adult entertainer Ron Geremy. Due poor sound quality we would like to our assure our listeners that Mr Geremy was in fact referring to his fax machine.

J

I'm glad those all you can drink deals at pubs are banned they're a right rip off. My local charged a fiver all you can drink and then a tenner a piss.

We would like to apologise for announcing that James Cameron will be filming the newest Conservative Party Political Broadcast.
David Cameron's only available in 2 dimensions.

Baby Doc Duvalier has made a statement to the Daily Mail. He has since been offered a job as their head of child health scare stories.

Rikie Gervais was embarassed when he found out he wasn't going to be presenting the Golden Globes. He infact has been hired as Dave Beckham's gag writer.

Spain has agreed to extradite a pilot to Argentina for flying planes from which enemies of the regime were thrown to their deaths. Ryan Air are furious as he was going to help with their new scheme for charging passengers extra for landing the plane.

I'm glad Google have stood upto China's attempt to censor them. But I'm worried about this country. I Googled Gordon Brown and twat and the only adess I got was "I'm not.com."

We would like to apologise for eroneously claiming that 60% of Americans think that Barrack Obama is doing a poor job as President. Infact 60% of Americans wish he'd go back to rapping and making fun of Carlton.

It's good news that Nigeria has released those English hostages. Now if Gordon Brown just banks them he'll get another million hostages when the cheque clears.

Bums I sent the wrong jokes.

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