Quote: Tony Cowards @ January 8 2010, 8:46 AM GMTWe'd just like to point out that after last week's report regarding the dispute by homeowners over which house in Stratford belonged to Shakespeare the local tourist board have now agreed to put a plaque upon both their houses.
Contrary to our special health report last week we'd like to make it clear that it isn't true that black men cannot get arrhythmia.
Pearls before swine.
Thanks Timbo, I think my problem (I also sent in some Voxpops which I'll post up if I can find them) is that I find it a bit of a struggle to write topical material so for this week I just sent in some "generic" stuff which was not particularly "zeitgeisty".
Lots of good stuff on here though, well done peeps and keep the faith.
Most of these are great. NJ was clearly spoilt for choice.
Most of my vox pops were rubbish but here's the one I did like that I wrote:
I loved the X Factor and Rage Against the Machine songs equally so I
did the only fair thing and downloaded both tracks illegally.
Did they do a gag on exploding trousers?
Quote: Nogget @ January 8 2010, 4:24 PM GMTDid they do a gag on exploding trousers?
How would that work?
Ha ha, funny that Elise!
"So the Lib Dem leader's said that he's not a king-maker; I guess even the sperm banks get it wrong sometimes."
"Apparently France are trying to introduce a law banning psychological violence; does that mean they're going to stop making dance music?"
I wrote about 4 or 5 others but those two are the best of last week's bunch in my opinion.
Quote: Elise B @ January 8 2010, 3:53 PM GMTI loved the X Factor and Rage Against the Machine songs equally so I
did the only fair thing and downloaded both tracks illegally.
Great one
•('COCKNEY GEEZER') I've got no objection to these ex-cons getting their cabbie licences, really. I mean, I wouldn't have got the job otherwise. [SOUND OF LOCKING CAR DOORS] Now where d'ya wanna go, love?
•(IRATE OLD WOMAN) All this fuss about the bloody snow. I think it's best to take it all with a pinch of salt. Well, I would but it's all bloody gone!
•('WIDEBOY') I've made a mint from clearing people's drives, so I hope it keeps snowing and like the saying goes 'there's no business like snow business'.
•(YOUNG WOMAN) Well, he's no Wogan, is he? But you'd never have guessed he was a ginger from his voice!
•('CHAVVY GIRL') Yeah, I heard, right, that David Tennant offered to help Gordon Brown, but he turned him down cos he didn't have the Tardis anymore. So now Brown's trying to get hold of Michael J Fox to see if he's still got the Delorean.
•(MAN) If I was in that situation, I'd have done exactly the same thing. Myleene Klass without any make-up on, of course I'd have run away.
•('CHAVVY WOMAN') I always make sure my Chardonnay's got the right nutrients in 'er lunchbox, 'am shaped like a Teddy bear, protein; crisps, that's 'er carbs and a bag of 'aribo, that's 'er fruit. [PAUSE] What about vegetables? She's not a freak!
My dross from week 2. Congrats to those who get stuff on (Elise saw you might get something on, fingers crossed and well done!)
News Headlines
Myleene Klass, The "Potters Bar Slasher", confirmed today that the Knife she used to frighten off a pair of intruders was nicknamed Lancelot, and had been chosen by 'James Prince' from Swindon.
Corrections
In last weeks immigration report, we stated that the current population of Great Britain was 65 Million. We should have added that this figure was expected to drop to 62 Million once all the Snowmen had melted.
Quote: ShoePie @ January 14 2010, 3:38 PM GMTCorrections
In last weeks immigration report, we stated that the current population of Great Britain was 65 Million. We should have added that this figure was expected to drop to 62 Million once all the Snowmen had melted.
Very nice! Sweet too.
I tried to think of topical jokes that didn't involve the snow, but I failed miserably. Two vox pops:
I don't see the point of snow tyres. I mean, when it gets warm don't they melt?
I don't mind these new wind farms starting up, as long as they don't use pesticides.
Good stuff , snow men impacting on population size was particularly good. I also liked the snow tyres joke.
Saying that though the level of everyone's work seems pretty good to me and Newsjack clearly have lots of decent stuff to choose from each week.
Keep going everyone and congratulations to anyone that got in/on!
My attempts.
THUG:
I'm not racist but... all these snowmen look the same to me...
VOX-POP:
Under-16s in Glasgow pubs have to be accompanied to the loo by an adult. That's just a public inconvenience.
VOX-POP:
Nick Griffin faces jail over whites-only membership of the BNP. This is just persecution. Politically, where are ghosts, albinos and snowmen supposed to go?
VOX-POP:
Teenagers talk with, like, only 800 words a day. That's like, well, you know, it's like... desg... dusg... disgrease... not right good. (BEAT) Innit?
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for the insinuation that by using football fans as the first contributors to the nation's sperm reserve thrust, the human race has begun its devolution back to a race of Neaderthals.
Dan
VOXPOPS
1) What? The Italian's have found a way to change wood into human bone, does that mean 'Pinocchio' was based on a true story?
2) Oh no no no a sex robot is definitely not for me. I have enough trouble putting away the hoover… Oh no not in that way!
3) Would I take my clothes off to pay back my student loan? Hell yeah I'd take my clothes off for a big mac!
4) I dunno 3D pornography, I mean the film was good an all but blue people making out, it's not for me.